Teen angst. Teen suicide, violence all in this fic. A little depressing, so not for younger audiences. A song fic to 'Adam's Song,' by Blink-182.

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In My Room Alone
by Ally McKnight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He gripped the razor tightly in his hand, just inches above his bare wrist. His hand trembled slightly, and sweat and tears poured down his face.

He felt his stomach turn over and just in time he leaned his head into the toilet bowl. He lost his lunch, hugging the sides of the porcelain toilet, weeping.

"I have to do this," he muttered pitifully. "But I can't."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took my time, I hurried up,
The choice was mine I didn't think enough.
I'm too depressed to go on.
You'll be sorry when I'm gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once he managed to calm himself down, he grabbed the razor again. It was for the best.. right? Nobody would miss him. His mom would only worry about the cost of his burial.. wouldn't she? His father would just... wait.. what would his father do? He probably wouldn't care, the boy decided, and lowered the razor down to his wrist.

He wiped the sweat off his brow with his free hand. 'Do you really want to do this?' He asked himself. He'd asked himself that question many times, and he always came up with the same answer. Yes.

He'd done all the thinking, and there was nothing worth living for. There used to be. There used to be pretty girls, and fast cars, and friends, lots of friends. Now nothing mattered, and the funniest jokes were as dull and pointless as his history classes.

Nobody would miss him. Nobody.. right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside.
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived.
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time in my room alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He unfolded the letter again. Stalling for time. Trying to make the right choice. The letter was simple. It didn't tell his family he loved them, because that would be a lie. He hated his family for everything they ever did to him. He hated his father for hitting his mother, and he hated his mother for letting him.

He hated to whole world. Nothing was okay, and nothing was fine.

The letter only had a few lines.

To whom it may concern:
   I am committing suicide and you'll never see my
face again. I hope you realize that all this is your
fault. I hope that you cry at my funeral, and wish you
treated me better. I really hope you do. I can't go on
like this, I'm so depressed. Just give all my stuff to
Kevin, he's the only one that deserves anything.
                           From: Me

P.S. Play 'Adam's Song,' at my funeral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown.
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again.
You'll close if off, board it up.
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall.
Please tell Mom this is not her fault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He knew that it wasn't really his mom's fault, but he blamed her just the same. She should've done something about what his dad was doing to her. She should've  left. Why did she have to stay? Why did she have to be the loving wife? Why the heck did she put up with it when his father came home late at night, drunk, stupid, and dangerous?

It was his time. He was supposed to die. If he didn't, he'd be stuck in the same black hole of depression and angst. It was his time. He had to go. It didn't matter who'd care and who'd cry, he had to do it. There was no point in life anymore. If he went, maybe his parents wouldn't fight anymore, and maybe his dad wouldn't beat his mom again. Maybe they'd be happy again.

He raised the razor for the last time, and took a few shaky breaths. His last breath of air. He stopped. The phone was ringing. Saved by the bell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never conquered rarely came
But tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside.
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour was over I'd survived.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What do you want?" He demanded.

"Don't do it, Adam," A voice said on the other line. A strong voice, definitly a guy's voice.

"Why not?" He demanded.

"There's a better way to get through it. Get help. You're not meant to die. Andrea, your friend. She's in love with you. She doesn't want you to die. Kevin, he's your best buddy isn't he? He'll fall to pieces without you."

"Yeah. And what about my mom?" He demanded. "Huh? Will she still let that jerk beat her up? Huh?"

There was a long pause. "Adam... you're all your mother has right now. If what you're saying is true, then she needs you. You can't die. You have to get through this. Trust me. I've been through this kind of thing too. We all have."

"No you have no idea how I feel! You've never felt what I've felt. Like I'm trapped in a black hole, and there's never a way out. You have no idea what I've been through, so don't even tell me you understand!" He screamed in rage.

"Don't do it," the man urged.

"Why not? Nobody'll care."

"I'll care."

"Why should you care? You don't even know me. I'm just a statistic, another teen suicide for the books."

"You're not a statistic, and you'll never be one. You're a person, and you have a reason for living." The man paused. "Whether you realize it now or five years from now, that's up to you, but you do have a reason to go on."

The phone slid from his hands. He pciked it up and slammed the phone down, and stormed into the bathroom.

He picked up the razor and...he put it back where he found it. He ripped the suicide note to shreds, and flushed his vomit down the toilet. To the naked eye, it was a normal bathroom, a little smelly, but normal. To Adam, it was a place to die. But not anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He knew that his life wouldn't be at all easy, and there'd be times when he'd try to do it again. But he had to work through all that, and find the light at the end of the tunnel.

He flopped down on his bed, breathing heavily, tears still running down his face.  He couldn't believe what he had almost done. Now he wondered: if that guy hadn't called, would he have done it?

He rolled over and sighed. It wasn't worth knowing.

But his life was something worth fighting for.
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Email the author: coventrys@yahoo.com
 

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