This is a Marissa POV on, 'My Name Is.' Basically how she feels about Gary after he's shutting her out. Those who don't like depressing fics, don't read this. I give you a fair warning.

Rating: PG-13

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Now or Never
by Ally McKnight

Gary's hiding something, I know it. I can tell by his voice, so low and emotionless, but even more than that, I can tell by the way he's constantly avoiding me. It's not an accident that he leaves before I come in every morning, or an accident when something just suddenly appears in the paper.

Gary is my best friend, and I really cherish the relationship we have. Just friends, nothing more. I like that. I can talk to him and he can talk to me. At least I think Gary can talk to me. In the past, even if he doesn't talk he'll listen to me, but now he does neither. He always rushes off, using the stupid paper to hide behind, telling me we'll talk later. Why does later never come?

I know he wants to talk about what's going on, but I know he can't. He's too scared. No matter how many times he put his life in danger, he's still scared of talking to me. Maybe he's scared of the truth, maybe he doesn't want to know the truth. But, I know he wants to talk to someone. To me, to his parents, to Chuck.

I can easily hear the desperation in his voice. Like he's telling me to tackle him, tie him to a chair, and make him listen. Of course, he can't say that. I can't focus on anything right now, all I can think about is him. I want to help him, if only he'd let me.

I hear to office door open and close. Gary. Maybe he'll open up.

"Hi, Gary. How was your day?" I ask, giving my warmest, most inviting smile.

He grunts in response. He crosses over to the desk, and shuffles some papers around a bit. I can hear the sound of his leather jacket as he shifts nervously. He's obviously more than a little uncomfortable. Sometimes being blind, means seeing more than what's actually there.

I pause briefly. How am I supposed to respond to that? What can I do? How can I make him listen?

"Gary.... are you doing okay?" My voice stays as calm and steady as it possibly can be. Why am I such a coward? Why can't I just tell him I know he's hurting?

"Sure, Marissa," Gary replies, with fake cheerfulness. A lie. His voice is husky, and has the slightest twinge of sadness in it. Not to mention I can smell the liquor on his breath. Not much, but enough the drown his sorrows for a good few hours.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, Gary," I say simply.

"Yeah, I know. I j-j-.. I just, um, I gotta go, okay? I think that, I um, I think I hear my phone ringing upstairs."

I nod in defeat. "Okay. Talk to you later." His phone is, of course, not ringing.

"Later," Gary echoes. Another lie. I hear his heavy footsteps as he ascends the stairs, and I sigh.

Why can't I talk to him? I know he wants to, and my soul is practically screaming at me to do so. He can't even talk to his parents. The Hobsons love each other, but they have trouble even saying so. How can Gary tell them what's wrong?

With Chuck, it's the guy code. No feeling talk. Pretty women, fast cars, sports, all fine. No deep thoughts, no statements about depression. If Gary tried to, Chuck would probably tease him about writing to 'Dear, Abby.'

I love Gary, and I don't want him to be hurting, like I know he is. Though I suppose he may have good reason to be. Marcia, the coward she was, threw his suitcase out the window, Emma left him for Marco, Merideth, for bigger and better papers, and Erica, because, well, because there was no chemistry, the list goes on.

Gary wants to get married, and he dreams of having children. A little boy named Zeke, who plays hockey. Or a little girl, of course, named Zeke. Frankly, Gary would be the perfect father. Maybe he's right when he says the paper doesn't want him to be happy. Maybe the damn cat is in love with him. Who knows? But if anyone deserves happiness, it's Gary. He's done more in one day, than most men do in their entire lives. I admire him for it.

I wish he could talk to me. I wish I could talk to him. He's been down lately, depressed even. I've got to get through to him.

"Marissa?" His soft voice comes. He sounds choked up, like he's about to cry.

"Yes, Gary?" I ask hopefully. Maybe he'll talk now. Maybe he'll pour his heart out to me, and maybe I'll hug him, stroke his hair, tell him everything's going to be okay. Maybe.

"I... well..." he pauses, reconsidering. "I've got to get going, there's going to be a car accident." Gary's voice sounds almost ashamed. I get the feeling that there is going to be no car accident. "So, uh, hold down the fort while I'm gone, okay?"

I nod, fighting back the urge to cry. "Be careful." As the last words escape my lips, it dawns on me that I've never made sure that he was careful. What if something bad happened? What if something worse than Jeremiah happened? And I didn't talk to him. It's all my fault. I'm a stupid coward.

"Gary?" I suck in a deep breath. Now or never. Confrontation time. Don't back down.

"Yeah?" Gary asks.

I run through the whole week in my head. All the times the wall between us crumbled just slightly, and he let in one feeling. Every time he let me in, even if just for a minute. When I heard him crying softly. I didn't confront him, I was to scared. Scared that he'd then shut me out of his life even more.

Maybe he knows I heard him. Maybe he saw me, my hand on the doorknob of the office, wishing that I had the guts to go in there and hold his hand, and guide him through his troubles. Gary's just been one big puzzle lately. Unfortunately for me, I don't have the right pieces to complete it.

"Makes sure to zip up your jacket," I say half-heartedly. Coward.

I hear him zip up his jacket. I hear him sigh.

It looks like it's going to be never.

Email the author: coventrys@yahoo.com
 

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