Ahem...this fic is utterly pointless. There is really no plot, all the characters are OOC, and odd things are going on. I wrote this basically for laughs. It's ummmm...kinda stupid, but I enjoyed writing it. Oh! Flames are accepted too!

Disclaimers: I don't own anything except for a few thing that you don't reconize. Most of the junk belongs to CBS and Sony TriStar.

Oh, and if you're craving a serious, angsty, wonderfully written fic..hit the 'back' button now. This is a parody! Sequel if requested, flames highly appreciated!

No spoilers.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
One Pointless Fic...To Go...
by Ally McKnight
 
 

Narrator: Gary Hobson, sad and remorseful, begins walking down the street...

Gary: Singin' do wah ditty, ditty dum ditty do! He looks good. (Claps.)

Narrator: (In best Mommy voice) Gary Matthew Hobson!

Gary: (Ducks. Looks around.) Mommy? I is sorry.

Narrator: That's okay hun. Now this is *supposed* to be an angsty fic.

Gary: Why?

Narrator: Because.

Gary: Because what?

Narrator: Because the author wants it to be! Now look sad.

Gary: But I can't be sad.

Narrator: (Sighs) And why not?

Gary: Cat told me a secret.

Narrator: (Interested) What?

Gary: (Whsipers) The cat in the hat comes back...again. (Giggles) Isn't that cute?

Narrator: (Sighs)

Gary: So you see why I can't be sad?

Narrator: (Thinks hard.) Just..just..pretend like somebody stole your last tater tot!

Gary: (High-pitched wail) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Who stole my tater tots!!!! (Grabs man walking down the street and
looks him up and down.) DID YOU TAKE MY TATER TOTS?!

Man: (whispers) I see dead people. (runs away, giggling.)

Gary: (whimpers) Where are my tater tots? (begins to cry.)

Narrator: Gary...

Gary: Sob...gasp..choke..sputter...gasp....

Narrator: Gary! Nobody stole your tater tots.

Gary: Really?! (tater tots magically appear in the palm of his hand. he strokes them, crying tears of joy.) I....I..I thought I'd lost you...forever. (sobs hysterically.)

Narrator: Ahem! Gary..back to the scene.

Gary: (holds one of the tots up to his ear. giggles) Oh, Tiny Tot, you're so funny. You should be on 'What's Line Is You Anyhow?'

Narrator: (Angry) GARY!!!

Gary: Riiiiiight....the scene. (kisses the tots) Okay, kids, you can go play but be back in an hour. Remember to put on your boots and scarves....And no fighting! (turns to narrator) Yes?

Narrator: Okay, now Hobson. Something terrible has happened. Look sad...or pouty, all the women viewers love pouty. Ummmmmm... Taco Bell ran out of fire sauce and you failed to prevent it.

Gary: (screams hysterically, yet again) Think of the children! Will somebody please think of the children!!!!

Narrator: Uh, Gar? What children?

Gary: My children, silly. (takes out  Barbie and Ken dolls.) This is Zeke, (points to Ken) and this is Zekette, (point to Barbie) They like to play hockey and read war novels.

Narrator: (exasperated) Let's go see how Marissa's doing, shall we?

   SCENE CHANGE

(Marissa is driving the McGinty's van, singing along with the radio.)

Marissa: WAR!! Huh! Good God. What is it good for?

Narrator: Wait one cotton picking minute....Marissa's blind. Why is she driving?

(Suddenly..a white rabbit appears)

Rabbit: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I shall be late. (glances at pocket watch, and scurries into the Super de Duper de, Plot Hole!

Narrator: (yells) Okay, who ordered the plot hole?

(Henry suddenly pops out of the plot hole. He looks as if he's about to cry. Sniffling....he tells his tale.)

Henry: I'm so...sorry! I thought it might be fun to look at the "Giant, Big ol', Huge, Gimungus, Fanfic Authors Repetitive Catalog That Has Too Long of a Name." Then Mommy found it, and went on a shopping spree with Gary's Double Platinum Visa card.  She was unstoppable!!

Narrator: Don't worry kid. We'll look into some foster homes for ya.

Marissa: (singing) Oops, I did it again..I played with your heart...got lost in the game...

(Chuck magically pops into the picture in a Britney Spears-esque outfit, complete with tiny blouse and skirt.)

Chuck: (sings in squeaky voice) Hit me baby one more time. (dances and giggles. soon disappears down the plot hole, taking Henry with him.)

Marissa: (finally stopped singing) Look what I picked up today. (holds up the "Polly's Pretty Perfect Perm Perfecter.") I'm going to give the cat a little perm. (giggles) And then maybe Gary. Curly haired men are always the cutest.

Narrator: Uh, maybe we'll go see how Gary's doing...

   SCENE CHANGE!!

(Gary's loft. Armstrong, Miguel, Patrick and Gary, are sitting around, having a slumber party. All the men are wearing frilly pink jammies, except for Gary who is for some reason wearing Sammy Sosa's baseball uniform.)

Armstrong: (attempting to braid Miguel's hair) Oh. My God. Did you see what she was wearing? Capris, and high heels. Ummm...like...ewww.. (giggles)

Miguel: You know, I like heard from Molly, that she like, has a crush on, like, (giggles) Gary.

(Gary is sitting on the couch, watching Titanic and crying his eyes out.)

Gary: Why does Jack have to die! They were meant to be together! (stops. smiles suddenly) Hey! Kate Winslet is a babe! Die Leo, die!

Narrator: (In your classic, Wonder Years narration) It was at that moment that I realized that nothing would ever be the same. Sure, it seemed like I was only watching Leonardo Dicrapio drown in the Titanic, but I knew better. My relationship with my DVD player would never be the same.

Patrick: Do these jammies make my butt look big? (attempts to try and see.)

Armstrong: Only on every other Saturday.

Patrick: (looks at calendar) Darn! It's my big butt week.

Narrator: (still in Wonder Years classic narration) Those few  words would alter my life forever, in a way I can't explain. I grew up a lot that day, too soon really, but I learned some valuable life lessons.

Gary: Mr. Voice, will you please SHUT UP!

Narrator: I learned that some things might be worth the wait...

Gary: CAN IT!

Narrator: .....(too scared to speak.)
 

KNOCK, KNOCK!

Miguel: (giggles.) I wonder who that could be! (opens door to loft)

(Chuck and Crumb are standing outside. Chuck is wearing normal blue jammies, 'cept for ahem, his ahem, diamond tiara. Crumb looks smashing in his green pig jammies with bunny slippers.)

Chuck: (holds up bag of peanut butter horse radish potato chips.) Party time!!

Armstrong: Omigod, hey!

Crumb: Sorry we're like, late. We thought we like, saw, like *Nsync at the like, 7-11. We like, tried to follow them, but it like, turned out it was like, a bunch of like, garbage men.

Gary: (stands up) Guys..girls...all you icky things..(ba dum bum, bang! drumroll) Now that you're all here, there's something I have to tell you. (drops his head.) Y'all might wanna sit down for this.

(Everyone promptly falls to the floor)

Narrator: D'oh!

Gary: (looking scared) Guys...I..I....I

Patrick: (off-key) I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day

Armstrong: When it's cold outside....

Crumb: I've got the month of May.

(Suddenly all the men begin singing and dancing. The song end shortly)

Chuck: Wowee. That was funtabulous!

Crumb: (girlie giggle) Oh, totally. Wait. Didn't Gary have something to tell us?

Gary: That's right. (dead silence. a cricket chirps. Patrick burps.)

Patrick: 'scuse me.

Gary:  I have.. I have an incarcerated petunia. The doctor's say I only have one week to live.

All: *Gasp*

Chuck: Who? What? Where? When? Why?

Patrick: *Gasp*

Armstrong: This is like, so 'One Life to Live.'

Crumb: How much cash do you like, think we could make for, like, selling them the like, plot?

Chuck: What are you going to do about this, Gar?

Gary: Whaddya think I'm going to do about it. I'm going to go to the track and make millions. Then I'll bury my treasure and make a fake map leading to the city dump. The Hobson Treasure will go down in history...What else would I do?

Armstrong: I think he means about the paper.

Narrator: Now at a time like this, one might ask questions such as, 'Where's the ketchup?' Or 'Why did Sly Stalone make another Rocky movie?' Or a few of you might ask, 'How does Paulie know about the paper. Well, a nameless person...*cough,* *cough,* ERICA, *cough,* *cough,* caused this story to have a very hole-filled plot where nothing makes sense.

Gary: I'm going to keep working until I die.

Patrick: *Gasp*

Chuck: You're going to run around all day saving lives, in your condition?

Gary: (in a decent Maxwell Smart impression) And loving it.

Crumb: (in a not so decent Cheif impression) Never leave your duck loaded.

Narrator: Looks like a few of us have been staying up late watching Fandemonium Marathon again.

Patrick: *Gasp*

Narrator: Patrick, you can stop gasping now!

Patrick: *Gasp* Choking....on *GASP*...JuJu Bee.

Narrator: Oh. OK then. Carry on.

Patrick: *GASP* Thanks.

Gary: But, c'mon guys, let's not let the startling revelation that I'm going to die a slow and painful death kill the mood.

All: (thinking) OK!

Patrick: *Gasp* Help...

Gary: I got an idea. Let's prank call! (smiles, and picks up the phone)

Miguel: (giggles) Like, who ya callin'?

Gary: (whispers) Brigatti.

All: (giggle)

Patrick: *Gasp*

Gary: Shh, it's ringing!

Brigatti: Hellllllooooo.

Gary: (in deep voice) Hello. Have you ever taken a bus?

Brigatti: Yes. Why?

Gary: (in high-pitched voice) WELL YA BETTER GIVE IT BACK!!

All: (giggle)

Patrick: *Gasp*

Brigatti: (in low, attempted sexy voice.) Gary..is that you? My honey bunches of oats? I want you you manly man, you ball of manliness in one manly square. Come to me, my Gar Bear!

Gary: (eyes widen. slams phone down. pauses. giggles.) She wants me!

Crumb: (giggles) My turn! I'm prank callin' my mommy!

Crumb's Mommy: Hello.

Crumb: (in high-pitched voice) Um, hi. Is your, like, fridge, like, running?

Crumb's mommy: Why, yes it is.

Crumb: Well ya better go and catch it. (giggles)

Crumb's mommy: Oh, hello, Marion. (screams the next part) How are you? Are you still having the bed wetting problem?

All: (giggle)

Patrick: *Gasp*

Crumb: (blushes) Let's do something else now.

Miguel: (giggles) Call up boys and hang up without saying anything?

(Everyone stares at him. Patrick falls to the floor, in a desperate attempt to get the Ju Ju Bee out.)

Narrator: As you may have noticed, Patrick has been choking for an insanely long time without dying or having his face turned blue. To file any complaints call Erica Padget at 1-800-YESIMFAKE. And yes, we do realize that there are two many numbers in that number. Deal with it.

Patrick: *Gasp* I...will...no..*Gasp* not eat any green eggs...*gasp* and ham.

(Cat suddenly leaps in through the fire escape, it's fur curled in a very odd, unattractive way.)

Chuck: (punches Gary's shoulder) Gary, you dog. Did you invite girls over?

Cat: Lord, help me! She's gone nuts! (spies all the guys in their jammies) Hiya, boyssssss. (giggles)

Armstrong: She's a pretty nice-looking feline!

Crumb: (slaps him across the face.) You're a married man!

Patrick: *Gasp*

(Marissa runs in, looking for the cat. Marissa is, oddly enough, wearing a rain coat, sandals, and a sombrero)

Marissa: C'mere, Kitty. It's manicure time!

Cat: AHHHHHHH!! (runs down the stairs)

(Marissa, after playing one game of pinball, and downing a can of soda, runs out after her. Stops in the doorway and turns around.)

Marissa: I love your pj's, Crumb Cakes.

Crumb: (blushes) My mommy picked 'em out!

Marissa: Call me sometime. (she runs down the stairs)

Gary: Argh! (swings pillow at Crumb's face.) Pillow fiiiiiiiiiight!

(Shrieking and giggling can be heard Chuck is shoved out the window and into an ice cream truck. He enters the loft again with a crate full of Blue's Clues ice pops. Everyone sits at the counter, eating the pops. Suddenly, a beep goes off.)

Gary: Anybody want some salt free, sugar free, fat free, low cal, taste free, popcorn? (holds up a bowl)

Chuck: (pats his belly) I'm on a diet.

Gary: OK then.

Chuck: I didn't say I wasn't going to eat any! I just merely said I was on a diet. (pushes everyone out of the way and buries his head into the bowl, devouring the whole thing.)

Gary: Ooooookay then. Let's play Truth or Dare. (collective giggles)

Patrick: *Gasp*

Gary: I'll go first...Paulie..truth...or dare...

Paulie: Dare!

Gary: I dare you, to kiss everyone in the room named Chuck.

Chuck: Hey!

(KNOCK, KNOCK)

Gary: I'll get that. (opens the door.) *Gasp*

Patrick: *Gasp*

(It's Lois and Bernie)

Bernie: Hey, Gar!

Lois: Are you boys playing nice? You aren't making Paul kiss Chuck again, are you?

Gary: Of course not, Mommy.

Bernie: Hey, Gar!

Lois: That's my sweetie pie. Have fun, Pumpkin. (frowns) Oh, wait. You've got something on your face. (licks fingers and attempts to rub it off)

Gary: Mommy, please. Not in front of my friends. You're embarrassing me!

(Lois of course, knows this, but like any good Mommy, she also know that her on real job in life is to humiliate Gary. It's her civic duty! Uh-huh.)

Lois: Don't be silly. Nobody's looking.

(Everyone stands there, gawking and pointing at him.)

Lois: There. It's gone. (kisses Gary on the cheek) Bye, bye, my precious baby boy. Sweet dreams, honey buns.

Bernie: Hey, Gar!

Lois: I love you, my wittle Gary Berry Boo Boo. (pinches his cheek, satisfied with his current state of humiliation)

Gary: Love you to, Mommy.

Bernie: Hey, Gar!

Gary: Love you to, Daddy!

(They finally leave. After teasing 'Gary Berry Boo Boo for a couple of long, miserable hours, they all decide to tell scary stories.)

Gary: (finishing up) And then Erica said in her evil, worse-than-fingernails-on-a-chalkboard-voice...'That's not butter...that's my dye job.

All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Patrick: *GASP*

Armstrong: I want my Mommy. And Mr. Snufflebee Bo, my teddy bear.

Miguel: I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks!

(KNOCK, KNOCK)

Lois: (voice) Get to bed now, boys. Sleep tight. Don't let the one eyes, one horned, flying, purples, people eaters bite! GOOD NIGHT MY LITTLE GARYKINS!! (can be heard whispering) My baby boy, having his first slumber party. He's growing up so fast.

Bernie: (voice) Hey, Gar!

(Everyone finds a place to sleep. Nobody seems to notice that the bed is vacant. Crumb chooses to sleep inside the fridge, Gary on his pinball machine, Miguel, hanging in the closet, Chuck, on the toilet, Armstrong, in the shower, and Patrick, well, Patrick decided that the bed of nails next to the bookcase would be the most comfortable spot.)

Gary: So....whaddya wanna do..tomorrow.

SCENE CHANGE

(Author reads over what she has just written!)

Author: My God! This is terrible! Nothing makes sense!

(Then inspiration strikes)

Author: I've got it. Slap on an ending, and plead insanity!
 

So....the ending...

Gary's incarcerated petunia turned out to be an ingrown toenail, so the hero lives on. Patrick never did stop choking on the Ju Ju Bee, but he still lives, singing back up for *NSYNC.

Chuck lost his tiara in a fight with an elephant, Crumb burned his pj's in a fire, Miguel never found his way off the peg he was hanging on, and Armstrong....well... he has no real memory of that day.

Marissa and Cat went to the beauty parlor and got matching afros. They now open for Shania Twain, singing Diana Ross songs.

   THE END!!!!

Email the author: coventrys@yahoo.com
 

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