(Remember, he's only venting. ;-))

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Savior
by Dana K

So, Chuck is gone, and that's the end of that.

Well, not really the end, but it feels that way.  I mean, my best friend left to go to Hollywood.  I should feel happy for him, but I'm not. I guess I'm not as selfless as I thought.  Selfishly, I wish he had decided to blow it all on the stock market.  Or a girl.  Or, for God sakes, a poker game.  Anything that would keep him here with me and Marissa and Robin and Mona and Crumb and Tony and  .  .  . well, us.  We.  It's not really we anymore.  It's like, not-we.

So, here I sit.  With the cat and my paper and my bar.  And no partner.  Now I have to change my whole set up here, you know that?  I mean, it's not a partnership anymore.  Now it's just a single entrepreneurship.  Can you believe it?  I don't want to change it.  Why can't I just tell them that he's on vacation, that he'll be back.  Maybe I should do that.  Yeah, I think I will.

Who am I kidding.  They'd never let me lie like that, and my damn conscience probably wouldn't let me escape.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have one, so I could be like Chuck, so carefree in my selfishness.  But I'm not.   And the truth is, I don't think Chuck is so carefree either.  The thing is, is that Chuck has always had this kind of false persona extended, like a force field on some Star Trek movie or something. He acts like he enjoys everything, but there are some moments when you can see the pain in his eyes.  A sadness when he realizes all the people that he has left by the wayside.

I know that he left trying to gain back some of that happiness that he had lost along the way in life.  But I just wish he could have found his happiness and his love for humanity in Chicago.  With me.

Of course, maybe he needed another town.  Maybe a new life, in order to change his old life.  I just wish he could have had me in the new one as well as the old one.
 

"Gary?"  a feminine voice said softly. 

Gary turned in his chair and smiled.  "Renee.  You told me you were going to be gone for another week!"  He stood and gave her a hug. "I missed you."

Renee smiled gently, her blue eyes gazing into Gary's.  "I .  .  .wanted to surprise you.  It was getting pretty lonely at my parent's house."

Gary looked down at the petite blond with a smile.  "I'm glad.  So, how is old Hickory holding up?"

Renee put her arm through his and they began walking.  "Well, they got a new shopping mall."

"Really?  Wow, that must make it almost  .  .  . busy."  They laughed, recalling their tiny little town that was more like a
village sometimes.

However, as Renee looked into Gary's eyes, she noticed that the laughter didn't reach them.  "Gary.  What's wrong?  You don't look too well."

Gary's eyes fell to the floor.  "Renee, while you were gone, Chuck.  .  . he went to California."

"What?!"  Renee almost fell over.  "California!  Why?"

"I don't know," Gary said.  "He wanted to .  .  . make home movies.I mean, family movies, ya'know."

Seeing his crestfallen face, Renee pulled him close and wrapped her arms around him.  "I'm sorry Gary.  But maybe he'll be back."

Gary held her close, thankful for someone to care for at this sensitive moment.  "That's what I keep telling myself.  But somehow .  .  .I doubt it."
 

So now I feel alone .  .  . though I'm not.  I mean, here, I have Renee in my arms, and I feel something that I haven't felt in a long time.Love.  But yet, Chuck is gone, so I'm feeling a mix of emotions. What did mom call it?  Bittersweet.

Yeah, love is a risk, a painful one.  I risked it without my own knowledge with Chuck, but now I know it.  The little guy is my best friend. And I love him, as I love Marissa, as I love my parents.  It should be hard to admit, and I know I'm not the real emotional type, but maybe that's because I've been too afraid.

Well, there's no time for fear now.  This is the real world that I'm in, and I can't lie to myself.  I know I'm no less of a man because I admit to myself that I love my friends.  In fact, it might make me more of a man.  Or, maybe I'm too much like my mother.

Either way, I have feelings to deal with.  My God, you'd think someone like me wouldn't have any problems, right?  I own a bar, I have great friends, and great parents . . .  But it's not enough.

Savior, save thyself.

So that's what I'm going to do, God damn it.  I'm going to care about myself for once, instead of everyone else.

Like Chuck used to say; sometimes you have to be selfish, or you go insane.

          The End

Email the author: Dana K
 
 

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