print this story!

Disclaimer: Firefly and all related elements, characters and indicia © Mutant Enemy Productions and 20th Century Fox Television, 2003. All Rights Reserved. All characters and situations—save those created by the authors for use solely on this website—are copyright Mutant Enemy Productions and 20th Century Fox Television.

Author's Note: This Mal is a little dark. I just kept thinking about the episode "Serenity" and how he reacted to Simon in certain situations.

Reflection Deep
by Kellygirl

Mal sits in his favorite chair, actually it's the only chair in his room. He loves this chair and does some of his best thinking in it. He looks at the sleeping man in his bed and tries to figure out how they had come to this point. He'd told himself over and over that he would not touch him, that shipboard romances were dangerous and distracting. He knows this is not going to end well. It has been four weeks since the doctor, nervous, big eyed and stuttering had come to his room to seduce him. Mal had argued with the younger man, had told him he was not some knight in shining armor. His armor had dented and rusted away a long time ago. When Simon had kissed him, he'd stopped arguing because it felt good, too good. With the first touch of the doctors' lips he knew he could lose himself with no effort. Anything he wanted to do the doctor would let him. Every thought, every ache, every touch he knew he could have it all softened and fulfilled by the man that ran his fingers under his suspenders before Mal had slipped them off. He'd grabbed Simons' head and looked into his eyes. He saw the boy that Simon had been, and the man he was slowly becoming and knew that if he allowed this to continue the whole dynamic of the crew would change. No way they wouldn't eventually catch on. No way that Zoe wouldn't drag him somewhere for a little talk, preacher'd probably give him one of his ‘special hell' talks and Inara would just be stunned and hurt. He knew she had feelings for him and she was an amazing woman but he could never wrap his mind around actually being with her in a relationship. He had a possessive side that lurked deep in him and he knew that her job would always be a major sore point with him.

That first night he'd undressed Simon while his mind cursed and screamed at him. His conscious had quieted when he had entered Simon and the peace he'd felt had no comparison. Afterwards they both had lain drowsy and sated. Simon had not been talkative, he'd seemed to sense Mal needed to think. He'd rested his head on Mals' chest and let his fingers slowly stroke Mals' arm. He had slept and although he had awoken when Simon got up he had not tried to stop him. The next day he didn't see the doctor until dinnertime. He looked at Simon who didn't look at him. He wanted to tell the doctor to come to his room. He wanted to hear him whimper and moan his name again. He pushed those thoughts away and discussed the upcoming job with Zoe and Jayne. Seemed like another group of townsfolk needed a bandit taken out. They'd be there tomorrow and as Mal expected there were a few jokes about not accepting any flowered hats or drinks from young women.

Later in his room sleepy and still damp from a shower he'd listened to the noise of someone climbing down his ladder. He looked and saw how far away his gun was out of habit then sat on his bed and waited for Simon to take his clothes off and climb into the bed. Then he'd done everything he'd thought about at dinner and then some. He apologized later for the bruises on the doctors' arms and hips. Simon said he didn't mind but Mal could tell he wasn't used to it. He had told the younger man a little about their upcoming job. He'd been just as surprised as Simon when he'd asked for the doctors' opinion. While listening to his advice with one ear Mal had asked himself what in the hell he was doing. Half-time he didn't want anyone's advice so why'd he ask for the doctors?

The job had gone fairly well, Zoe got a scratch but no one was shot. They got two other jobs based on the recommendations of the mayor and those went pretty good too. Only had to kill one outlaw and it seemed like their name was getting around to more and more planets as a crew that did their job fair and did it quick. He and Simon continued their get togethers and just like he knew would happen the crew found out. He'd thought only Zoe and preacher would lecture him but it turned out that he had to listen to Kaylee and Wash talk his head off about the doctor too. He apologized to Kaylee but she brushed it away and told him she was happy for him. Wash had been angry but in the end had just told Mal to be careful. He'd made his way to the infirmary to tell Simon about his day of lecture; Zoe and Book had done exactly what he'd expected with Book adding vague threats to his lecture, he saw Jayne and Simon talking. He'd watched them for a moment, watched Simon laugh at something Jayne had said. Watched Jayne touch the doctor on his shoulder and briefly touch his hand. He realized that Jayne was flirting and wondered what Simon would do when he realized it. He looked on as Simon smiled and nodded at Jayne. His stomach hurt but he ignored it. When Jayne left Mal stepped into the infirmary. He'd talked with Simon making sure he had the supplies he needed. Simon had seemed distracted and Mal couldn't take it anymore. What had started out as a question about Jayne had turned into an argument that ended in Simon's bed. Mal had driven Simon crazy by teasing him until he had agreed with Mal that certain things were not to be allowed. Mal had then taken Simon over the edge of pleasure and into pain by making him come twice quick and hard. Then he'd held Simon as the doctor had quietly cried.

Mal shakes that memory off and also the guilt. He was sorry for his actions that night but he knows he would not hesitate to do it again. Simon was his and in the days following that night Mal finally accepted that a part of him; a part that was hurt and always angry, was owned by the young doctor. When Mal thinks about such things he realizes that this affair with the doctor may not be the healthiest thing for either of them. Why does the doctor effect him like he does? Mal doesn't know and he hates not knowing. Hates that he seems to hurt Simon, physically and emotionally. He could end it but wasn't no guarantee that one day he wouldn't drag Simon off and fuck him in some corner or alley or wherever. None of his other affairs had been like this. Was he afraid? After the war didn't much scare him. Losing his ship he admits scared him. It scared him deep in his soul. He realizes, like the sun rising up over a mountain, that the same place he keeps that fear is the same place Simon resides. The only part of his soul left. He wants to shy away from that realization but he forces himself to continue. He knows he's not a reaver or nothing close but is this all that's left of his soul? Sure he gives back medicine to them that need it. He accepts chickens and other things instead of money on some jobs. He gives refuge to two wanted by the Alliance. These things are part of him and he always thought that made him an OK man. Not sterling or anything but he has seen worse. If this thing continues with Simon, and he knows it's not going to stop, will he change so much that the things he does now he will not even consider? What will he do to Simon in the long run? He already sees caution in him sometimes and he never, ever wants to see a time when Simon will flinch from him or even worse, take River and try running on their own. Maybe you need to talk to Simon a voice in his head tells him. Maybe you can tell him you're afraid that what you two have is not as serious to him, that one day he will be the one to tell you it's over.

Mal decides he will wake Simon and they will talk. He won't threaten or force Simon to say what he wants very much to hear. He'll let him talk and he will talk and they will work this out. That's all they can do because if they don't Mal will have something else to fear; that he will become unrecognizable to himself, that he will become something that he loathes and start to do things that are not OK. He smiles to himself. Will that make him Jayne? He frowns. Jayne wasn't really like that and Mal knows it but he's mad right now at the mercenary. He does need to figure out a way to apologize to him. They'd had a small argument last night that had included threats to certain body parts if Jayne didn't stop flirting with the doctor. Jayne had agreed that he'd done a little flirting and he'd stop. If he'd only stopped talking at that moment Mal would have walked away but no. Jayne being Jayne had to mention that pretty rich boys were fickle and once he and the doc were done could he have a turn? He'd hit Jayne before he thought about it. He winces as he remembers the look on Jaynes' face and the amount of blood that came from his nose. Simon had quietly cleaned Jayne up, reassuring him that it was not broken and the swelling would be gone in a day or two. After Jayne left he'd listened to Simon and answered yes to his question if this was the result of an argument about him. Mal had tried to not get angry but when Simon had started on some obviously prepared speech about making his own decisions even ones that they didn't agree on Mal had snapped. That had been four hours ago. Mal stands up and stretches. His bones pop and he can breathe easier. He walks over to the bed and trails his hands down Simons' back. He continues until Simon rolls over. Mal looks at him and smiles sadly. His left eye is already darkening and his cheek is bruised from where he'd hit the edge of the chair after Mal had hit him. He briefly runs his hand through Simons' hair. He's relieved that Simon doesn't flinch but knows it's still a big possibility. "I'm sorry about earlier doc and I realize that ain't good enough. We need to talk. I need to tell you some things."