White CanvasVOY: P/T and slight others; PGBy: Alexandra Ortiz; DrCerulean@aol.comDisclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, the ship they're on, or anything like that, those belong to Paramount. The only thing I own is the situation that they're in. This is set sometime in the near future, and doesn't have much to do with any other episode. This is my first attempt at writing anything even semi-serious so please go easy on me. I love e-mail, please... send me feedback. This is dedicated to Deb, Lauren, Erin, and Betty who sat through my few hours of yelling and complaining, and my bathtub for inspiring me. White Canvas "He's old enough, now." "But he's still a little boy Owen, let him ask about it first." "He's seven years old, that's too old to believe in fairy tales like that." "Let's at least wait until after the holiday. Not on Christmas Eve, you'll break his heart." "Thomas should have been told the truth from the beginning, tradition or not, Santa does not exist." Tom stopped in the middle of his skipping routine. Creeping up to the edge of the hall, he sat, listening. He couldn't understand, "No Santa? It's not, it can't but even mommy's saying it, and dad . . . doesn't care." Tears started falling down his face, but dried them quickly so his father wouldn't see. Tom ran into the living room . . . "Mom, can I go - " "Thomas, no running inside the house." "Sorry Dad. Mom, can I go outside and down to the lake?" "If you wear a jacket and come back in an hour." Tom nodded and ran out the door careful not to let it slam as he shut it after him. He kept running as fast as his legs could take him, until he reached the waters edge. He sat on a large rock, feet dangling off the edge and silently allowed his tears to fall. He sat there for what seemed like n eternity and looked up only as the large white flakes began to fall, slowly covering everything in his sight . . . Lt. Tom Paris woke up suddenly, his face all wet. He gazed around his quarters trying to clear his blurred vision. This dream had been haunting him for three nights now. Holidays seemed to bring out the worst memories. He got up and padded toward the bathroom but stopped at his dresser. Grabbing the little box sitting on the top of it he gazed at his only glittering reassurance that life was, or seemed to be as it should. B'Elanna sat in the messhall, a dozen PADDs surrounding her meal. Oblivious to the cheerful surroundings, she jumped when a hug came from behind her. "Merry Christmas B'Elanna, don't you ever put those down?" She looked behind her as Tom walked around her, a frown distorting all his face except for his shining eyes. "Look, helmboy, if you didn't put so much stress on my engine's then I wouldn't have to work so hard!" "Point taken. Well, join me tonight at Neelix's party?" "I don't know if I'll be able to, I have a lot of things planned for today and with most of my engineer's taking the day off, I may have to work late." A brief flash of disappointment spread over his face before quickly being replaced by grin. "Promise you'll try?" "Promise not to fly near anything that doesn't look like empty space?" "Ah, that's up to the Captain, but I promise to try." Tom stood up a sly grin enhanced by his twinkling eyes, kissed B'Elanna quickly, and dashed off, right before his shift was to begin. "Why can't that man ever have a busy or bad day? Then maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty," B'Elanna muttered as she swallowed down something that was supposed to resemble caffeine and continued to read. The party was in full swing when he walked in. A large banquet table off to one side was quickly being emptied by his hungry crew mates. Brightly coloured decorations covered everything in sight. Tom walked over to Captain Janeway at one corner of the room, talking to Chakotay and Harry who were laughing over drinks. "Good of you to join us, Tom." "Glad you made it." "Pleasure's all mine Captain, Harry. So Chakotay, enjoying yourself?" "Neelix really did a good job this time. Even on the food. It's delicious." "Don't tell me he learned how to use a replicator?" The small group laughed and quickly changed the subject as Neelix walked by. "Hello Everyone. I'm glad you came. Tom, where's Lt. Torres tonight, I'm surprised she's not here with you?" "B'Elanna? She was a little tired. She said, she might come in a little later tonight." Tom watched as Janeway eyed him carefully but then turned away, obviously ignoring his white-lie. As much as he wanted B'Elanna to come, he wanted it to be because she actually wanted to, not because of an order. The Captain and Chakotay spent most of the night together, they danced, laughed, and were able to forget about most of the troubles currently plaguing the ship. Even Harry allowed himself to socialize more than usual. He walked up to 7 of 9 toward the middle of the evening, and asked her to dance. The sight was hilarious but touching. Although Ôdancing is irrelevant' and she uncertain of what to do, she tried and it looked as though she might have actually enjoyed herself. It was 2321 hours and B'Elanna still hadn't shown up. "Computer, location of Lt. B'Elanna Torres." "Lt. Torres is in engineering." Tom stood up, said his goodbye's to the few remaining officers, and walked out into the empty corridor. He walked toward his quarters although he didn't feel tired. Deciding to go to the other holodeck instead he grabbed a jacket out of his room and changed course. Arriving at the holodeck, he selected a program he had once made of his house, only this time, he added a snow theme. He walked into the scene and was taken aback as to how real the snowfall was, and the emotions they stirred up in him. Walking on the path to the pond, he stopped instead at the back porch. Tom sat on one of the steps to think about everything plaguing him and his dreams. "Computer, location of Lt. Paris." "Lt. Paris is in Holodeck Two." B'Elanna rushed through the halls toward the holodeck, hoping that Tom wouldn't be too mad. Even though she technically hadn't promised to definitely come, she knew that Tom had been looking forward to the event for weeks. Walking into the program, B'Elanna shivered at the sudden drop in temperature. Following the dimly lit path leading behind the bright home, she stopped at a porch occupied by one lone figure. "Tom?" He turned slowly at toward the quiet voice calling his name, and turned back to stare into the dark woods. "Snow is so, so . . . undescribable. It's beautiful and soft, but so bitter. Sometime's it's so peaceful, wiping out the underlying cold, other times it can be so harsh and merciless." B'Elanna hadn't been sure what to expect from him, but this little sermon certainly hadn't been it. ÔIt definitely is cold, pretty, but chilly,' she replied, shivering against the frigid breeze. "What are you doing out here?" "Thinking. The party got a bit dull after a few hours, so I came out here." "I'm really sorry I didn't make it, I know how much you were looking forward to it. And with mostly support staff today, we weren't able to get a lot done early on." Tom looked up at B'Elanna and saw the sincerity radiating from her chattering face. He decided it wasn't all her fault and stood, a determined attitude asserting itself. Taking B'Elanna's hands in his, he guided her off into the woods. "I spent a lot of time back here, running around, chasing animal's, swimming and skating in the pond. Whenever I wanted some space I would come back here to think, and just have some fun. These became my woods." "I can see why you liked it back here. It's really beautiful. I'm guessing it wasn't always this cold though.", B'Elanna managed to chatter out, while snuggling closer to Tom. "Cold? Here, put on my jacket, you look like you're freezing. The cold never really bothered me, and I love the winter season, even though it always seems like the worst times in my past happened then." The two arrived at a clearing amid the pines. The solid pond lay sprawled out in the middle, illuminated by the star lit sky. Tom guided B'Elanna over to a large boulder on the other side of the pond where they sat down. For a while neither one said anything, B'Elanna sat, curled under Tom's arm, enjoying the peace and security, while Tom sat deep in thought. "B'Elanna, do you ever stop to think about what's waiting for us in the future? Not anything in particular, just in general." "Sometimes I wonder . . . " She replied in a quiet and thoughtful voice, "I wonder where my life is headed, if everything I've done the last few years will ever mean anything to anyone else. That when we do get back, assuming that we do, I'll have nothing for me. I didn't have much there before we left, and after all this time and change, there'll be even less. Sometime's I wonder, why I keep trying, trying to do anything at all." B'Elanna leaned back into Tom's arms; the only evidence of frustration and despair in the shakiness of her voice, "Why?" Tom considered her words before speaking, "B'Elanna I used to feel that way, and sometimes I still think about it, but; I think I've found my future. It was you that caused me to change. I knew that we were so alike that we would be the only ones able to get through to the other. And all the thing's you would would say to me, really did and still do affect me. B'Elanna, these past few year's, as trying and hard as they've been, they've been the best I've ever had, and it's because you've been here. Neither of us has had a lot to look forward to, but, we do if we look together. B'Elanna, I love you and want us to have a future together, will you marry me?" B'Elanna looked up at Tom with a bittersweet expression, her eyes bright with confidence. She reached over to hug him, and the two fell onto the snow-covered ground. "Yes Tom, I love you, I'll marry you." Tom smiled back, all traces of the apprehension he had felt, gone. He hugged her, kissed her, and the two lay back in the snow, staring at the open sky and the continuing snow fall for hours. The talked, cuddled, and just enjoyed each other company. B'Elanna told Tom all the gossip her assorted group of engineers' had brought in, while Tom informed her of what happened at the party. Soon enough, the two were yawning more than anything else. Tom helped B'Elanna up and they walked back to her quarter's through Voyager's silent halls. When they reached her quarter's, she turned around and looked up into Tom's eyes. "Thank you Tom." "For asking you to marry me? I didn't mind at all.", he replied, holding back a sudden yawn. "Yes, for that, and for giving me a chance. I know I was never high on anyone's friendship list, but you tried anyway." B'Elanna reached up to move a stray piece of his dark, golden hair, and he moved down and gently kissed her. "Good-night B'Elanna, sweet dreams." "Night Tom, I love you."