Disclaimer....We all know how it goes..Paramount owns more than I will in a lifetime. They do not own the ideas in this story or the character of Jouquan Timmins. This story started out as a form of therapy for me. Depression has been an on going battle in my life, teamed up with the bouts of panic attacks, I have experienced feelings and emotions that I have never known before.I am more together today, than I have been in the last ten years. Most of it is due to me reaching out for help and taking the help that was given to me. One thing that never changes or fades with time is the memories of someone past. This story is falls a little time after Displaced and revolves around Tom and a little of Chakotay. Who is it at end with Tom??? This is rated PG. (Pretty Goofy) LONG AGO By Betty Phipps (Aries4116) Tom Paris sat looking out of the view port in the mess hall. He watched as the stars flew past at warp 7. It was strange how he could tell how fast they were going by how the stars streaked past him. The events of the last few days, drew him to this quiet place, early in the morning hours. Night shift was in full swing and most were asleep. Most. Sleep did not come easy sometimes and this was one of those times. He shifted the mug of coffee from hand to hand, watching the contents swish back and forth. Mirroring his own mood, restless, confused and lost. He had gotten used to that idea of being lost. Lost in a world of circumstances and choices that should never have to be endured by any living person. Reality in doses was good from time to time. It keeps one intuned to what living is all about. "You have duty in four hours Lieutenant." A voice said from behind him. He didn't jump, but slowly turned around to see Commander Chakotay standing there. "I know. I couldn't sleep." Tom replied turning back to watch the stars. "Yeah I know. Sleep has escaped me tonight." Chakotay said sitting down across from Tom at the table. "I've done everything but go to sickbay." He saw the serious look on Tom's face. How vulnerable he looked. He had never seen Tom with his defenses down before. The dim light in the mess hall picked up the shadows that were beneath the younger mans eyes. "It doesn't make sense." Tom quietly stated. "It never does." "If it made sense, suicide could be prevented. Stopped before someone could take their life." "I knew someone who took her life." Tom said looking down into the cup before him. "I met her while in school in San Francisco. Jouquan Timmins was a year older than I was. She was 17 and I was 16. She had head for numbers and managed to lose most teachers in how she understood." A smile swept across his face, "Her parents were professors at the Academy and she was destined to follow them, like I was destined to follow my father. Which is why we got along so good. We were always talking about what our parents wanted for us." Chakotay could see the memory wipe the grin off his face. "We both knew that our parents never asked us what we wanted. What mattered to us. So we talked to each other and became good friends. She taught me numbers and I taught her how to fly." "Why did she take her life?" Chakotay quietly asked. Tom looked up to see a very serious look on his face. Granted they had a "understanding" of one another, but had never really been friends. "Jouquan was always happy. She had a smile for everyone and was always there when I needed someone to talk to. We spent a lot of time together and ended up getting involved. Jouquan was a passionate person. Her temper was like an explosion, it flared up and died just as quickly. I knew she hid most of her feelings behind that exterior of happiness. That mask that would fall into place and nothing would bother her. She would feel nothing." Tom leaned back in his chair and laughed ruefully. "I sometimes think that if I knew her so well, I would have figured out what was going to happen next. Maybe I could have stopped her from killing herself. Ruining my chances to be with her. I loved her. She knew I did, but it wasn't enough. My love was never enough." "Sometimes love is not enough." Chakotay added. "Even from someone who loved her unconditionally." "She was reaching out." Tom said letting the feeling fall over him. " She was reaching out and I did not see why she was. I didn't see the need in her eyes, hear it in her voice, or feel it in her touch. Couldn't she see that I did care? And that I did love her? Didn't she care enough to look or to ask?" Chakotay saw the anguish in Tom's face. He knew. "Thought about committing suicide yourself." It was a statement. "Yes. After Caldik Prime and when I went to prison." Tom said emotionless. "What stopped you?" "I'm not sure really." He replied. "I think it was my father's image in my dreams that kept telling me only the weak take the easy way out of life. He would say 'Suicide is the cowards answer for everything wrong in their lives.' " "Jouquan was a coward in your father's eyes." Chakotay added understanding. Tom only nodded in response. The hurt and the anger mixed inside of him. His stomach ached with the pangs of remembering her. He could still remember her laughter, the way she would reassure him that he was going to make it in life. "We were going to the Bay for a picnic." Tom said softly. "I was really looking forward to spending time with her. I wanted to reassure her that she could apply again. That she had the knowledge and the strength to try again. She had failed a entrance exam for Hollandor's Hall and was really upset about it. I was to meet her at her house. Her parents were in Boston on a conference convention. I walked into the house and I felt this wave of silence. It was never quiet in the house when her parents were gone. She was always listening to music or singing. I remembered calling out her name and not hearing a response." Tom closed his eyes, "I walked into her bedroom and found her hanging from the wood beam above her bed. I stood there.....not knowing what to do. Then I reached out to touch her....she was cold." A tear slid from beneath his closed eye. "I saw the note laying on the pillow. Jouquan liked the feel of paper and was always writing on it. I read the note a couple of times and started to cry." Tom shook his head at the memory. "Crewman Andy Masters suicide has resurrected quite a few unpleasant memories for some." Chakotay said. "It makes us realize how vulnerable we are and how fragile life is. Andy was a good person. He believed in a future and a different way of life." Lowering his voice, he added, "I never saw anything that lead me to believe he would kill himself. Now after it is done, I now see things that I should have acted on. But would it have made a difference?" "No." Tom said soundly. "It would not have made a difference, at least I don't think so. I spent a good deal of time thinking about it after Jouquan died. Now I find myself thinking about it once again. Jouquan and Andy wanted something that they couldn't find, and dying was the only way to find it. Maybe it was peace. Maybe it was freedom from the life they were living in. Whatever the reason, they have found what they were looking for. Maybe it is not our place to say whether they were right or wrong. We will never know. It will be a mystery to us until it is our time to leave. Then we will find the answers to our questions of long ago." Chakotay only nodded and stood up. He placed a hand on Tom's shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze and left. Tom's look went back to the stars. The quiet room comforted his soul and the darkness was like a blanket for the dull ache that began. He tried to stuff the memories and feelings behind a door in his mind. Put away the feelings of a past that should have never happened. But, like feelings, the memories demanded to be remembered. The wind blew through the trees, rustling the leaves, bringing sounds to the quiet night. The night. The night of the day that Jouquan was laid to rest. The day that the sun shined the brightest in the clear blue sky. Leaning back against the old oak tree, Tom looked up into the night sky. Taking in the thousands of pin points of light and thinking about the other million that he could not see, he wondered where she was. Was she still here? Just out of sight? Or was she somewhere better than here? Would she remember him? Would they meet someday? "Tommy...Tommy...Tommy....You have to stop talking to yourself like this. She will not be coming back, no matter how hard you want her to." His eyes closed for a brief moment and opended to see a falling star. It streaked across the night sky, falling down below the horizon. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the letter that was addressed to him. It had arrived before he left to attend her funeral. He held the paper in his hands, and traced the edges of the embossed stars on the envelope. Jouquan loved stars and her stationary was covered in them. Silver stars on sky blue stationary. It was her trade mark. The letter was all that was left to be opened. To be read, and to mourn over. Tears spilled out from his closed eyes and landed with soft plops on the letter. He carefully opened the letter. Dear Thomas, You were the only person who was special in my life. You made me laugh until I cried. You gave me love that I have never felt before, and never turned away from me. For that I will always be grateful for. By now you have seen me for one last time. One last tear to fall, and one last cry .. I'm sure your father is telling you how weak I was for killing myself. But what he thinks doesn't matter to me and it should never matter to you. You are the brightest spot in his life. Someday he will realize that. I know I did. I will not ask you to understand or not be angry for taking my life. I don't expect people to understand why I did. I want you to understand that there was nothing you could have done to save me. My mind was set long before I met you. Years ago I began to let go of things in my life. Things that didn't matter to me any more and things that I could not change about myself. A part of me wanted to make my parents proud of me. I wanted them to love me for the things I could accomplish. So I tried, and I failed. I was never able to make them proud of me. I only wanted them to love me for who I was. It was not enough. Then I met you and saw myself in your eyes. But your eyes had a different spark to them than mine. Yours were captivating and always looking beyond something I could not see. Seeing and dreaming are e two different things. I was the dreamer and you were the seer. Your spirit was boundless where mine was grounded. Your laugh was alive, mine was dying. Your soul burns far brighter than mine ever will. Time will soon forget what has passed, as will others. You will forget about me as time turns the pages in your life. I will be a distant memory. The love you gave me will be with me forever. It will never fade away. Love Jouquan The tears fell faster than he could wipe them away. Tom was glad he was alone in the mess hall. He hated to have people see him cry. He looked back to the stars that streaked by. "Jouquan..." He quietly began, "I have not forgotten you. Your auburn hair blowing in the breeze and your green eyes filled with the light from the sun.....I could never forget such a beautiful sight. All I have left are memories from times past." He closed his eyes for one last tear to fall, one last cry. A pair of arms wrapped around his chest from behind him, hands clasping together. The arms were soft yet powerful. A head rested against his cheek and he caught a light scent of fragrance. He didn't need to open his eyes. He knew who the person was. Her breathing was slow, relaxing. He was tense for a few minutes. His shoulders were stiff and he wasn't breathing. He was scared. Time. All he needed was time. Time was always a constant. It was always changing. It didn't take long for Tom to relax in the gentle embrace he so often dreamed of. The end.......