No Carpenter by Em GardnerThey still don't belong to me. No harm intended, and you wouldn't get much if you sued so...  Oh, I want to thank Sheila (otherwise known as Sheila the great) for being so nice, and for finding this poem.If anyone has any comments, questions, flames, or chocolate coffee beans, I can be reached at whammy42@usa.net.           Nothing is plum, level or square:          The studs are bowed, the joists          Are shaky by nature, no piece fits          Any other piece without a gap          Or pinch, and bent nails          Dance all over the surfacing          Like maggots. By Christ          I am no carpenter.          Oh I spat rage's nails          Into the frame up of my work:          It held. It settled plumb,          Level, solid, square and true          For that great moment. Then           It screamed and went through          Skewing as wrong the other way.          God damned it. This is hell,          But I planned it, I sawed it,          I nailed it, and I           Will live in it until it kills me.                    - Alan Dugan, from " Love Song: I and Thou"      Have you ever noticed how the truly beautiful women are the ones who don't think that they're beautiful? I told that to Be once and she just laughed. She said that was the dream of every ugly kid, but that it just wasn't true. I think it is. Oh they don't necessarily think that they're zoo material, usually they think they have one great feature that doesn't quite make up for everything else. The Captain and her hair. B'Elanna and her legs. Renn and her ankles. But you never got to meet Renn did you? She had great ankles, the rest of her was amazing too, but try to tell her that and... It doesn't matter she's far away, and I doubt she'd speak to me if she had the chance.      Consider the following my advice to young lovers. Especially if the object of your affection is Klingon or part Klingon and you are not. There are no books on this subject. Trust me. What am I talking about? Be isn't exactly your average Klingon, or half Klingon, hell she's not even your average woman. But you've gotta know that already. Right? Have you ever just looked at her? Watched her? The way she moves, you see she's got this kinda careless grace. I could spend an eternity just watching her. I won't. There are much more fun things to do than watch, and I think she really hates it when I stare.      Okay, down to business. Tip one: Don't surprise a Klingon with a proposal. They hit.  Really. I'm serious. They also yell and throw things. No, it's not that kind of throwing. It's the bad kind, the angry kind, the " how dare you, I hate you, you asshole" kind. Then they cry. The crying is much worse. I'd never seen her cry before. In our relationship, I'm the crybaby. I can live with that. I cry and she gets mad, it balances. I wish it had stayed that way. There was this time when things got really bad, she called it he worse day of her life, and she didn't cry. Once Chakotay layed into really hard, sure she'd done something stupid, but we could hear this down the hall. This wasn't just superior officer stuff either, he was yelling as a friend too. He sounded like my Dad. I would have cried. Anyone would have. But she didn't she just stood there I guess. Later she told me he apologized, and that's when she almost cried. But only almost. So to recap, don't surprise a Klingon with a proposal. If you do, you'll be ending up in Sickbay, and you might not be able to sleep because this sound of crying keeps coming back to you. Yeah, I did ask her to marry me. I had the whole damn thing planned out. We were going to take some time off. When I saw those waterfalls I just knew that it was the place. I actually convinced her to take four whole days away from her warp core. Things had calmed down. We were starting to get somewhere with each other. We were starting to open up. And I liked it. Hell, I loved it. When she lets me inside, it's better than when she told me she loved me, that first time. Each new insight is a surprise, a blessing, a benediction. And I can talk to her too.  Nothing about me takes her by surprise. She's not disgusted. She doesn't pretend to understand when she doesn't. She... She doesn't push.      Well, that's not true. She pushes away pretty good. That's what I'm hoping her reaction was all about. She gets scared of closeness. I know that and I still popped the question out of the blue. I'm an idiot. I just wanted this to be special. Real. Not like all the other important moments of our relationship. It seems like we have to be trapped somewhere alone, cut off, and close to death before we can get anywhere. I wanted this to be different. So sue me.      I don't have a history of successful relationships. I think I was in love once before. Renn, was the greatest. I'd known her, loved her, all my life, and I never worked up the guts to tell her.  We were both `fleet brats. Her Dad was my Dad's best friend. We were best friends. I convinced her to go to the Academy. She rated my girlfriends. I would introduce her to all of them just so she'd think I was desirable. It didn't work. She had to go and get engaged some guy her senior year. I'd never seen two people so in love. She had such faith in me. My sister said she didn't know what hit Renn worse, That Treence died, or that I was the pilot. So maybe I didn't just lie for my Dad huh? What I feel for B'Elanna is so much more overpowering than the way I felt about Renn. At the time, Renn was almost the center of my universe. Be is my universe. That sounds so corny. No, it's more than corny; it's downright trite.     Right now, I'm giving B'Elanna some time to cool off. We're still talking, which is a good sign. And at breakfast this morning she sat next to me, pressing a warm thigh against mine.  Which is a very good sign. This time, I'm not going to push her. This time, I'll let her come around. She has a history of getting honest; it just takes her a while. So I can wait. I can be patient. You see, she can't. It's not her strong suit. We do compliment each other. I don't want this to be over so soon.  I want. I want. I don't know what I want. I thought I wanted her to say yes, but now I'm almost relieved that she didn't. I want her to love me like I love her. She may have been the first to say it, and I kept my mouth shut for a good long time, but now she doesn't say it at all. She is pulling away. I know that. Maybe I knew it before we went on this vacation, maybe that's why I felt like I had to ask her. Maybe I can't let her in any closer, maybe I wanted her to say no. Look everything I said before is just bullshit, okay? This thing we have, whatever it is, is unraveling fast. It seems no matter what I do the fabric just comes apart faster. I try to pull her in and she runs away, I give her space and she runs even further.  There's nothing. Worse, there's nobody to ask. I'd like to ask Chakotay if he knows what to do, but I don't think my pride would take it, and if I did ask, I don't think he'd be any help. He'd just tell B'Elanna and she'd get really pissed. And even if Harry weren't really uncomfortable with Be and I being together, he can't even seem to talk to women any more, so he's not an option. Part of me is desperate enough to ask the Doc, ever since Kes left, they've worked out this strange adversarial friendship. It comes from being the Doc's Doc I guess. I know what he'd tell me though, I know anybody would tell me, just talk to her. They'd look at me as though I was just this side of stupid, roll their eyes and say talk to her. If only it were that simple. We talk but these days we don't say anything. I'm just as guilty as she is, I guess. I want more from her than I am willing to give. And that's not fair. I and know that if I want her closer, I have to let her in further. But that's hard. Part of me, the part that's still a five year old, says " Well, she's not letting you in either."  Something's gotta give.     Maybe it was too late before we even got started. It's like we were a hurricane. Fast, furious, and moving in circles. And like a hurricane, we just kinda blew ourselves out. This isn't over; I won't let it be.