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Cordelia Life Lessons
by Melissa Flores aka Mistiec

  1. Never be alone with a strange man in his fortresslike home with no mirrors and lots of curtains.
  2. Only talk to people who ARE somebody.
  3. If someone gives you a gift of visions, return it.
  4. Woman wear bras. OOOH! They have girl parts.
  5. It's supposed to go: home, hotel, hotel, husband.
  6. There are times when you really should just shy away from the topic.
  7. Learn to accept compliments, even if they are from blonde vampires that are out to kill you.
  8. Most people don't appreciate being called "My little Bam-Bam" all night.
  9. True art is never recognized.
  10. You have to be rich to snag a Calvin Klien model.
  11. Visions are lame, they should send one of those self destructing tapes instead.
  12. It's easy to date in high school, you all have so much in common. Being monster food every other week, for instance.
  13. There is nothing more disgusting than demons.
  14. A burrower is not a donkey demon.
  15. Sometimes it pays to be a bitch.
  16. Having a ghost roommate is pretty cool, provided you never see him.
  17. There's more to men than money.
  18. If some one saves your life, you owe them at least a mochachino.
  19. Don't intrude on a friend's moment of manliness after he saves your life.
  20. Biting vampires back is a good thing. See how THEY like it.
  21. It's generally good form to use a please and thankyou when asking someone for a dismemberment.
  22. Jar Jar having his own talk show is synonymous with great evil emerging from the valley.
  23. Giant tentacle spew doesn't usually come out with dry cleaning.
  24. Never bring a date to an office where your best friends are two male demons.
  25. When someone is trying to eat your friend's brains, it is so NOT okay.
  26. Part of something being perfect is having one flaw that can be worked on.
  27. Learn to cherish the parting gifts your friends leave you with.
  28. Make sure you don't kiss EVERY frog in town.
  29. Never bare your soul to an empathic demon you just met.
  30. Faking a vision can some in incredibly handy sometimes.
  31. Stand by your boss... unless he turns evil. Then kill him dead.
  32. Don't bother talking to a chair, they don't talk back.
  33. Learn the difference between a client and a bad guy who's pumping you for information.
  34. Learn to use your tact powers for good, like promising to kill your boss.
  35. Slap your friend who's lied to you, then tell him to ask you to dinner.
  36. Remember to give lame kissers a second chance. The second one could be considerably better than the first.
  37. Pitching a sale is an artform, one could even call it acting.
  38. When getting auctioned off: Stall, stall stall.
  39. Sometimes working for an vampire does have perks, you get to make the coffee AND tie him to the bed. woohoo!
  40. Sex is evil.
  41. Listen when  your ghost roommate has a hunch about a guy you've been dating.
  42. Never date a guy if their money smells weird.
  43. Blood is an acceptable snack if you're pregnant with a litter of demon babies.
  44. Keep your boss away from stuck up princesses from another planet.
  45. Never invite your boss and coworker to a party, and please, whatever you do, don't let them dance.
  46. Bless your drinking water twice a week, just in case your boss loses his soul.


by Melissa Flores aka Mistiec


 



 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  1. Tact is just not saying true stuff.
  2. Having a friend that can "sniff" his girlfriend out is "very disturbing"
  3. When you get mistaken for a Slayer, bluff like hell.
  4. There is no such thing as a care bear with fangs.
  5. Always thank people when they save your lives. Cause they'll do it again and again.
  6. The worst thing about getting hung upside down by abunch of vampires that want to slit your throat is the stains.
  7. Never, EVER wish yourself into bizarro world, cause you cannot win.
  8. Don't date losers. Even if the studly ones.
  9. Don't ever let a friend who's locked in a cage loose. Even if they are shy. There's a reason they are in there.
  10. In case of 9, DO take the chance to have a woman to woman chat, you know, with her locked up, about the ethics of boyfriend stealing.
  11. If you ever get caught in a high security area, you can get out of it by complimenting the security guard's nose.
  12. There's really no comparison between college  men and high school boys.
  13. If you keep getting hit in the head, one of these days,  you'll wake up in a coma.
  14. If you date a jock on a high school varsity team, you can die happy.
  15. When a man is speaking you make serious eye contact, and you really, really listen, and you laugh at everything he says. Hahahahaha
  16. Course, then you might be so busy "really listening" you won't hear a word he says.
  17. Know your losers. It makes it easier to avoid them.
  18. Phychology books are perfect for picking up college boys.
  19. If you do #18, take the book back on time, cause the librarian will still make you pay the fine, even if it's really huge.
  20. If you're bored, make sure some one is there to give you credit for it.
  21. When someone tells you to look trashiER, make sure you where twice the clothes you had on before you went.
  22. Young men are the only way to go.
  23. If your exboyfriend tries to cast a spell on you and almost gets you killed, dump all your friends and be with him, cause that's love.
  24. Anyone who will say yes to a guy who will ask two girls before you to a party is a Sheep.
  25. Make sure that your date's leather interior is better than your Barbie dream cars.
  26. Do what you want to do, where what you want to where, and date whoever the hell you want to date.  No matter how lame he is.  *note, this may be a direct contradiction to 8, but who cares?
  27. Don't get stuck with the pieces, that job sucks.
  28. Guns make people wanna have sex.
  29. Never have sex in a Miata.
  30. When fighting a vampire, make sure you bite back.  See how HE likes it.
  31. If your boyfriend is always watching his friends back, it's time to get worried.
  32. It's okay to drive to the library.
  33. Never invite a strange man into your car, ever.
  34. If you do, switch cars with your grandmother.
  35. When going to a party, always bring the dip. It's stirring, not cooking. It's what to bring.
  36. Things go terribly wrong when you have school on a Saturday.
  37. Never, ever go to a resort that makes you have "organized fun". Note the sarcastic quotes.
  38. Everything, EVER is classier than bowling.
  39. Only put a boy's picture in your locker if you look really cute in them.
  40. Nip all Sady Hawkins dances in the bud. Otherwise things start getting scary.
  41. You are allowed to have layers.
  42. It's possible to have too much character.
  43. If your father locks himself in the bathroom with a men's magazine, worry.
  44. If you're ever in mortal danger and only have a spatula and a phone, choose the spatula. It's better!   cause you can..... :::swing, swing, thwack, thwack:::: ............oh.
  45. Security guards are way sexier than firemen. They're all sooty.
  46. Being this popular is not only a right, but a responsibility.
  47. Brie smells just like a dead cat.
  48. Your first insticts about anyone who you call "Slut-o-rama" are usually right on.
  49. There is a demon for everything.
  50. God can't hold you responsible for anythingyou do when it's that time of the month.
  51. If you haven't been doing the vulcan death grip since you were four, you are WAY behind.
  52. If you go out with a band member, don't be one of those groups hanging and drooling him.  Wait by the stage all night for him.
  53. Aspire to help your fellow man, as long as he's not dirty, smelly or something gross.
  54. The Hoover technique is NOT a turnon.
  55. An icepack is good for your pores.
  56. All you need in life is a little luck. And a stick with sharp pointy bits.
  57. Even if you think you've hit rock bottom, there's always a lower place.
  58. Not wanting to make up is all fine and good, as long as your okay with the kissing part.
  59. Even if you get fired, it's allright to still hang around like a big loser. Giles did it.
  60. If you're using a computer and need to save your work, and someone you've just been mean to tells you to press "DELiver" don't believe her!
  61. We all must fulfill our dream. Or else we whither and die.
  62. Dorky guys have a habit of growing on you, like a chia pet.
  63. There is no part of insulting your ex-boyfriend that is not fun.
  64. If you have an assignment, and the world is ending, don't bother.
  65. Summing up complex thoughts into a nutshell is an acceptable artform.
  66. It's okay to have serious thoughts all day.
  67. Cheerleaders are *so* unsung.
  68. If you're having issues, get over it. Whatever's causing the Joan Collin's 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, just get over it. Cause pretty soon, you won't even have the loser friends you have now.
  69. When you ask a 'friend' if you want to swap and they go all wiggy on you, better keep an eye on both her and your boyfriend. Something is quite possibly up.
  70. Never start a relationship while being chased by a bug man (or any monster for that matter).
  71. Guys in bands are either completely self-absorbed or monosyllabic pushovers.Avoid the first but reserve judgement for the latter.
  72. If your boyfriend consistently brings up his female 'best friend' while you're making out, drop him. You're not his main priority.
  73. The sporty Hilfiger look is a definite go for nighttime patrolling.
  74. If a guy calls you a slut or hooker both before and after you dated him, he probably wasn't after your mind in the first place.
  75. When you happen upon your cheating boyfriend and his 'best friend' making out, don't turn and run. Stay and beat the crap out of them both.

59) contributed by  "mick j thomas" <mjt60a@angelfire.com>
68-74 ) Contributed by Nickle. <TNW13177@aol.com>


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