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Jake 2.0 Ep 1.8 - Here I Am, Stuck in the Middle With You
Monday, November 10 @ 13:52:39 EST
By Deeablo
"Middleman"
Previously on Jake 2.0: Slick new previouslies with the same voiceover by Kyle. "Jake Foley was an ordinary guy until a freak accident made him the first computer-enhanced man. Millions of microscopic computers interface with his biochemistry, and make him stronger and faster, able to see and hear farther than normal men. They give him the power to control technology with his brain. Jake Foley: America's secret weapon. He takes on missions no ordinary agent could perform. He is... the ultimate human upgrade." Show Runner David Greenwalt mentioned in a recent online chat that "the new, sleek look is a blatant attempt to get the damn kids in. By God, I hope it works!"
We open with Jake speaking directly to Misguided Misdirection. "I gave you a chance to do this the easy way," he snarls at a figure we can't see. Jake is all sweaty, if y'all like that sort of thing. Ahem. Jake says something about a bomb, then blusters, "I'm going to count to three. Three!" Jake punches the figure in the bare stomach. Jake talks some more shit and continues to rabbit punch the figure's midsection. The figure barely moves, and his stomach looks a lot like a Ken doll's. Does anybody anywhere think this is anything but a workout? Enough already. The soundtrack prepares us for some superhuman tricks with the familiar buzzing, pulsing, crackling noise we know and love. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-smashes his fist through the figure's head, and we see that Jake has been training using an armless—and now faceless—dummy. There's an NSA seal on the gymnasium floor. Drink! [I have brought back the Spot The Seal game for my editor, Illyria, who needs a drink. Or seven.] [Have I told you lately that I love you?—Illyria] Kyle, who has been watching the fisticuffsmanship, walks in, checks out Jake's handiwork, and muses, "Remind me never to piss you off." Kyle throws him a towel. "It's time." Jake whines, "Already?"
Cut to a sexual harassment seminar. Did you know that the NSA employs 46,000 people? A woman hands out pamphlets as she lectures, "The workplace is not your home." So it's okay for someone to sexually harass me at home? I'm taking applications! NSA seal on the wall in the background. Drink! Jake sits next to Kyle (OTP?), Diane sits behind them, and Beckett sits in the row behind Diane. A cute agent comes in, picks up a chair, and places it next to Diane. "Would you feel harassed if I took this seat?" he flirts. "Maybe a little," Diane concedes. Hello! What's going on there? The seminar leader drones that "we'd all like to be able to joke about" sexual harassment as Diane and Agent Hottie continue teasing each other. The woman leading the meeting says it will last for thirty minutes; the first section is "Unwanted Advances and Lascivious Eye Contact." Oh please. There's no way the word "lascivious" would be used. Agent Hottie glances at Diane, and she mock warns him by pointing her finger. Hee. That was cute. Agent Hottie is so dead.
Jake—who has probably never been a harasser or a harassee—employs the tiny, tiny robots to avoid listening to the lecture. His zihzihzihzihzuh-hearing takes us through the NSA hallways to the war room known as Hello, Joshua Junior. Various agents, including AgentWhoTheHell2, look at the big board as a frequency scanner filters and records various conversations. "We've got a problem." I should go back through all of the old episodes to double-check this, but I'm fairly certain this exact phrase is said at least once per episode. Maybe it's the Jake 2.0 version of the Star Wars classic, "I've got a bad feeling about this." Hey, it's AgentWhoTheHell, the Original. Now that they're in a scene together, I think I'll rename them SheAgentWhoTheHell and HeAgentWhoTheHell. SheAgent informs HeAgent that they've picked up a scrambled call over Europe, and she's never seen this sort of application before, some kind of crystal logarithmic device. She already started recording and decrypting the message. HeAgent asks for the source, and SheAgent replies that it's a mobile (she pronounces it mo-BILE, not MO-bull) phone in...
Hello, recycled footage of a satellite over Africa! This makes, what, seven times they've used this shot? [Note: I only watch each episode twice; once as it airs, and once as I recap. Just in case you thought I was frame-by-framing it on TiVo.] The NSA has triangulated the call as being placed from Vienna, Austria. As opposed to Vienna, Libya? Sigh. An establishing shot of the Danube at dusk takes us there. A man speaking what will later be identified as Polish says (according to the subtitled translation), "I don't know... I'm sort of in the middle of something." He's in a red-walled room with velvet green curtains. He switches his phone from one ear to another as he switches languages. "Is that American dollars?" he says in English. He tells the man on the phone he will be in D.C. on Monday. He hangs up, puts his moBILE phone on his belt, and cocks his pistol. No, an actual gun, you freaks. He says something Bad Guysian, and shoots another man in the room dead.
Credits.
NSA hallway. Agent Hottie and Diane make plans to meet up later as Jake hovers in the background. Agent Hottie leaves and Jake catches up with Diane and asks her about her weekend. He reveals that he watched football from his couch. Diane says she went to Wolf Trap to see Alicia Keyes with Steve Clemens from cryptology. Heh. Cryptology. I can't be the only one who immediately thinks of mummies rather than code breaking. Jake, a little bewildered at Diane's glowiness over another guy, decides to take the high road and ridicule Agent Hottie. Jake wonders if he's eccentric, a little bizarre. "Does he wear one of those colanders on his head to keep out the brainwave scans?" Christopher Gorham puts his hands by his head and moves his fingers to simulate the waves. Diane rolls her eyes and walks away as Jake yells that those code breakers are weird. Diane mocks Jake by saying, "Do they exhibit classic antisocial behavior by never leaving their couch all weekend?" Grammatically wrong but factually right. Zing! Jake's phone rings. It's Sarah. There's banter about her relationship with his voice mail ("He knows just when to beep.") and plenty of ungraceful uhs and ums. Finally, Sarah asks Jake to the St. Sebastian's fundraiser. He accepts and hangs up as Kyle approaches. "I have a job for you, Mr. Roboto." "Mr. Roboto? You're dating yourself, Kyle," Jake kids. Kyle dating himself? That's such a waste.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Jake grimaces at a screen of binary codes with an unpleasant soundtrack. "Sounds like a dying hippo." Kyle actuallys that it's a next generation (but not Next Generation) encryption program that has "stymied" (hee!) any attempt to decode its message. Beckett claims, "It's kind of like a lock that changes shape whenever you put a key in it." Kyle asks Jake to interface with the recording, "to 'ask' it to be a little less difficult." Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs it from Hippopotamus amphibius to Polish.
And now it's time for Get To Know Your Villain! This week's contestant, Vasily Koronkiewicz, is an "efficient, dangerous mercenary who specializes in abduction." He has been on Interpol's radar since the Belgian consul disappeared. In case the audience doesn't understand all of those big words, Jake sums it up as "Human trafficking. Nice guy." Koronkiewicz is in the D.C. area, and capturing him is the NSA's highest priority. Thanks for playing!
Jake asks Kyle if they are going to "shake down some snitches?" Kyle wrys that he hasn't finished his coffee yet. SheAgentWhoTheHell hands over a transcription of the phone call. Vasily's contact told him to "Go to NARODOWY," but Kyle says there is no translation for that word. Which is extremely odd because a simple Google search reveals that narodowy is Polish for "national." Time to restructure that crack code-breaking staff. Jake types "narodowy" into a computer, and discovers that it's the National Bank of Poland. Kyle asks SheAgent if she can tap into the bank's security cameras. "I can if he tells me to," she replies, indicating Kyle. Heh. Jake makes childish faces as Kyle asks SheAgent to run Vasily's photograph through a "facial I.D." of the film shot at that bank during the past 12 hours. Jake is all about immaturity this week. Maybe all that time with little brother Jerry rubbed off on him. Beckett wonders if there's anything they are missing, and Kyle mentions "LaFortunata." Jake whats. Beckett tells Kyle to show him.
NSA basement. Kyle gives Jake instructions. "Speak only in short, terse phrases. Under no circumstances are you to engage, go it?" Jake snarks, "What is this? The dungeon where you keep the Pig Boy?" And now it's time to introduce the stock character of the wacky, socially-inept-but-highly-intelligent spook. Mulder and Scully had The Lone Gunmen. Alias's Sydney Bristow has Marshall Flinkman. On Jake 2.0, his name is Seymour LaFortunata. I'm surprised it took them seven episodes for this guy to show up. I really wanted to call him the Crypt Keeper, but his expertise is information and not code breaking, so I guess I'll just call him LaFortunata. I'll also let y'all know up front that I find him bothersome. He inevitably speaks geek fluently, and while a lot of people will find it cleaver and endearing, it annoys the fuck out of me. At least it does today. Maybe he'll grow on me. Right now I find him cloying. Kyle asks LaFortunata about Vasily. Perhaps LaFortunata's "people" can find out who put Vasily "up to bat." LaFortunata says he'll make "a few hundred phone calls." Jesus, LaFortunata even has a wheezy geek laugh. The camerawork here employs a lot of cuts and odd angles to increase the feeling of "wackiness." Or something. Argh. Jake, as usual, doesn't heed Kyle's advice and accepts LaFortunata's ramblings as sensical. Jake shakes LaFortunata's hand, and looks askance when the basement dweller kneads Jake's right shoulder during the handgrasp. LaFortunata actually says, "wink wink nudge nudge." D'oh! Luckily for Kyle, Jake, and the majority of the viewing audience, Kyle's cell phone chirps. Facial I.D. got a match on Vasily at the bank. Buh-bye, LaFortunata.
NARODOWY. Kyle is trying to convince bank executive Mr. Harcourt to give them access to Vasily's bank records. Jake is there too. Kyle bluffs but Mr. Harcourt cites that under "Chapter 21A, Subchapter 1, Part A of the Unlawful Acts Section 2000 double-a," Kyle should have no problem obtaining a subpoena. Jake dorks that he left it in the car. All of this, of course, is just a smokescreen. Kyle distracts Harcourt with legalities, niceties, and general pissiness whilst Jake gets information from the computer behind Harcourt. There is no zihzihzihzihzuh, but Jake interfaces just the same. Scanning a list of customers—my favorite name of the onscreen list: Hanksa Boozkowska—Jake finds the name Vasily Koronkiewicz, account number 1255-5800-5831-48. Vasily received a wire transfer (#031313562) of $500,000. After Kyle makes a crack about a free toaster, Harcourt grits that they're done. Jake and Kyle leave. Kyle observes that he knew he brought Jake along for a reason.
NSA seal. Drink! Kyle tells Beckett about the half a million, and thanks to Jake they have a routing number to trace the payoff. Beckett wants to know why a pro like Vasily would risk being paid cash on U.S. soil. Kyle thinks it's startup fees. Beckett, as usual, wants to know everything: who is paying Vasily, what Vasily is being paid for, and most importantly where the money source is. Jake starts the process of tracing the routing number by hacking into Bank Polski (BOP), which is not the same as NARODOWY's NBP. Continuity, have you been drinking again? However, there must have been a moment or two of sobriety: the routing number and Vasily's account number are the same numbers from the previous scene. Good job, Continuity! Just take it one day at a time.
A shot of the Washington Monument with the clouds moving and the sun setting to indicate the passing of time. Oh, mighty obelisk. How I have missed you. Cough. Lab. Diane is putting some items in a funky leather bag. Jake enters, bitching, "One routing number, seven hours, 153 dead ends. I feel like my eyes are bleeding." Diane looks at him, ascertains that his eyeballs are not literally bleeding, and tells Jake there are no complications with the nanites. He asks, a bit wistfully, "Aren't you even going to do your little penlight thing?" Heh. Diane Mr. Rogers in the background, changing from her lab coat into a smart little fitted jacket. She tells Jake he just needs to do something away from computers, "unplug" before he get "permanent rasterburn." I first misheard this as "permanent rastaburn," and after working for months at a dive bar that played the same Bob Marley CD over and over again, I can relate. Proving that she's not really listening, Diane suggests Jake go to a movie as she rushes out of the lab. Jake looks a bit dumbfounded.
He chases her down the hallway as she hustles toward the elevator. Jake tells her that staring at "a big, bright thing" won't help his eyestrain. They both get on the lift. She apologizes for her suggestion, and just tells him to "do something with a human" as the elevator doors close. Heh heh heh. Jake turns to her and says, "You want to come over and play Boggle?" When Diane doesn't immediately responds, he adds, "What? You're human." Ha! Diane says she would like to but... the elevator doors open, and there's Agent Hottie! Diane performs clumsy introductions and other agents push past them to get to the back of the elevator. There's a lot of weird and unflattering camera angles in this scene; I can't figure out if the director is just being arty or if we're supposed to feel cramped and awkward along with Jake and Diane. Agent Hottie suggests Maggie's for dinner, and Diane smiles and laughs, but kind of looks toward Jake. Agent Hottie, for whatever reason, asks Jake if to join them. Agent Hottie will buy the first pitcher. Hell, I'm there! Jake says he "had dinner last night, and the whole novelty's kinda worn thin." Diane wants this elevator ride from hell to end yesterday, but she still asks Jake if he's sure. He yeahs, and said he was just telling Diane he feels like crashing out. "Or working all night," he mutters as he leaves the elevator. Jake runs an I.D. program on footage from various banks in an attempt to find Vasily. He types, drinks coffee, and looks tired.
A shot of the Washington Monument with the clouds moving and the sun rising to indicate the passing of time. Oh, mighty obelisk. How I have missed you, especially in the two minutes and nine seconds since we saw this exact footage running in reverse. Gads. We pan up past a dripping whitish liquid. Quiet, sickos. It looks as if Jake fell asleep at his computer and knocked over his coffee mug full of... something. It's made a bit of a mess on his desk. But there's an NSA seal on the mug. Drink! High-pitched beeping wakes Jake up, and Kyle arrives to see that Jake has found a 78% match to Vasily at a branch of the bank at 6th and F. So was Kyle there the whole time, knowing Jake was asleep? Hee! Kyle tells him there have four other teams out on "possibles," so he and Jake will take this one.
Kyle and Jake staking out the corner. Kyle asks Jake if Jake even has to sleep, what with the nanites and all. Jake says, sure, he just plugs himself into an electrical outlets for a few minutes each night. Jake sighs, "I'm still human." Kyle says he understands. Remember last week when I asked "Could they take The Six Million Dollar Man ass-kissing any further?" The answer, apparently, is yes. Yes they can. Because Kyle actually says, "So when you jog, do you hear that slow-mo running sound from 'The Six Million Dollar Man'?" Jake laughs, and Kyle continues by MAKING THE NOISE. "You know, that [voice in a higher pitch] do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do?" BWA HA HA! I love this Kyle. Can we keep him? And dress him in jeans more often? Jake smiles, fatigue forgotten, and says, "You're dating yourself again, you know that?" Should Kyle "dating himself" in public? There are decency laws, yeah? No matter, because the fellas have spotted Vasily. He's carrying a black bag, probably containing "500,000 dollars worth of unmarked nonsequential bills." Dollars worth? Why not just "dollars"? Maybe they are Euro dollars. Kyle calls for backup, and he and Jake look for the mark. Nope. They lose sight of Vasily as a truck passes, and of course he gets away. "Damn," Kyle mutters as he and Jake get out of the car. There's a Cookworks visible in the background as Kyle and Jake jog toward the corner where they last saw Vasily. Christopher Gorham looks as if he is prancing rather than running in this scene. I was completely distracted by this and what looks like two A-cups pressing through his shirt.
A nearby alley. The extra in the background walks into the scene but then turns around and walks out of it. HA! Oh, and Kyle pulls his gun and motions for Jake to hang back. Kyle moves quickly through the alley, gun extended (hee!), and checks behind a building. It's now raining. A bus powered by electric lines cruises by. Washington, B.C., indeed. Jake slowly enters the alley and looks around. As he follows Kyle, who is now out of sight, the uncertain extra can be seen walking by looking right at the camera. She's fuzzy but she's staring. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-listens and hears some heavy breathing near a Dumpster. Unarmed and stupid, he approaches. Vasily has tricked him, though, and jumps down from the above fire escape. He pushes Jake to the ground, then picks him up and shoves him against the wall. If this was Queer as Folk, I'd be recapping a very different alley scene. As it is, Vasily pulls a knife but is distracted by Kyle yelling, "Hey!" and running toward them. Vasily flees, but not before the sound guys (I can hardly call them "Foley artists" without confusing them with the leading man) inserts a wicked fffft noise. Kyle asks Jake if he's okay, as we see that Vasily has sliced Jake with a horizontal cut across his stomach. Jake grabs the wound and sinks to the ground as the scene goes white.
NSA wall seal, NSA floor seal. Drink! Drink! At the security checkpoint Diane runs through the metal detector, waving her I.D. The guard tries to stop her, but she hurries, "I'm Dr. Diane Hughes. I've got to get to the med lab right away." When he tells her he has to check her bag, she says, "Here, keep it!" as she drops it on the floor.
In the lab, Fran (remember her from "Last Man Standing"?) explains the latest to Beckett and Kyle. "The nanites accelerated homeostasis tenfold. Fiberglass are already proliferated in position for a collagen synthesis." Kyle, looking down at a supine, shirtless Jake—stop yer droolin'—asks Jake what it feels like. "Like I'm a freak on parade. It's not the circus, people," Jake shoots back. Fran says Jake has a lot of guts, but if it wasn't for the tiny, tiny robots, she'd be stuffing his innards back inside him. Diane arrives, frantic. She asks Fran for the bullet, which is that there was little damage and "penetration was minimal." Cough. Cough cough cough. Fran covers Jake's wound with what looks like an overnight maxipad. Beckett asks when he can get back to work. Fran says Jake should be fine in a day or two. Beckett expresses her relief that Jake is okay, but "Sat Ops in fifteen." She and Kyle leave. Diane wants to run a full diagnostic, and she helps Jake sit up. Fran says she already has and Jake checks out. Jake reassures her that he's fine. Fran leaves the lab, and Diane apologizes again for not being there and it will never happen again. Jake asks if she had a "late night" with Agent Hottie. Jake puts on a shirt as Diane, still distracted, said they caught a midnight showing of The Long Hot Summer. Jake huhs, Diane whats, and Jake wonders if she and Agent Hottie are moving too fast. The phone rings. It's Agent Hottie and Diane schoolgirls into the receiver as Jake assholes, "Well, I guess I'm fine, then. It's not like I was stabbed or anything. More like a slash, really." Jake and Kyle 'shippers everywhere rejoice. If there are any Jake/Kyle 'shippers, that is.
NSA hallway, where Jake walks by Agent Hottie's end of the conversation. Heh. Agent Hottie's end. And I've been wondering about this for a while now, but are agents really allowed to use cellular phones in a secured government building?
Hello, Joshua Junior. Jake reads Agent Hottie's personnel file—Agent Hottie was born in 1969 (he's a Scorpio), is divorced, and has no job record before 1995—as Beckett and Kyle concentrate on, oh I don't know, finding the bad guy? The sweeps team didn't find Vasily. The wire transfer was traced to Warsaw, but the corporation was a "shell within a shell." Jake says he struck "pay dirt" on number 156, Metronex. It's registered as a publicly held company, but its only shareholder is Wladmir Sticj. Beckett asks who he is. Jake doesn't know, but he's going to ask LaFortunata to find out. "Brave man," Kyle muses. Whatever.
Dungeon of the Pig Boy. LaFortunata looks through Jake's information and compliments him on his "novel approach." LaFortunata will help him out, and he admires Jake's tenacity. LaFortunata tells Jake to stick close to home because the last man who crossed Vasily? Ew. "Ew?" Jake parrots. "Vasily cut off his hands and sent them to [the guy's wife] for Christmas, along with a nice fruitcake." Jake says he'll keep it in mind. LaFortunata says Jake is the field agent, despite the lack of shoulder holster. So that's why he was groping Jake earlier. Jake leaves, a bit more wary about LaFortunata than Vasily.
St. Sebastian's fundraiser. The theme is "A Night in Atlantic City," and there are carnival games and a Ferris wheel. Jake walks for a bit until he spots Sarah. He hails her with a huge smile, and she and her way-too-long-to-be-real ponytail turn to face him. Sarah and her teeth approach him with, "You made it!" He volleys back with, "You look... what's the word... fantabulous." Oh, honey, no. She returns the compliment, and they fumble for the proper way to greet each other. They settle for a kiss on the cheek, but they are still holding each other's hands. I'm assuming they haven't seen each other since they kissed in Jake's apartment during Jerry's eventful visit. Jake suggests they gamble a little first, but then he spots Diane, who isn't wearing her glasses, with Agent Hottie. Introductions are made, and Jake claims that Agent Hottie has "an uncanny radar for where the fun is." Oddly, they are using a different lens to shoot Sarah in her one-shots, which gives her a bit of a fuzzy glow. Not as extreme as what they used with Cybill Shepherd on Moonlighting, but it's enough to be distracting. Maybe they want to diminish the glare from her chompers? Anyway, Agent Hottie actually attended St. Sebastian's School. He was a good student and an athlete, natch, and he tells the group that he's using all of his resources to get Diane to like him. Jake fake-laughs for far too long. Agent Hottie saves the day by asking the immortal, "Anyone for basketball?"
The boys shoot baskets, Jake badly, as the girls watch. Sarah looks at Diane for so long that Diane asks if she has something in her teeth. Heh. Sarah says it's a little embarrassing, but the first time she met Diane she thought there was something between Diane and Jake. "Really," Diane muses and then refutes by saying she and Jake work together. "Those worlds, they don't mix; they collide." Agent Hottie is wiping the fairground with Jake, who has to apologize when his basketball rebounds into some people watching the competition. Sarah obviouses that Diane and Agent Hottie also work together, and Diane obliviouses that Agent Hottie is in a different division. Sarah asks if IT and medical research are in the same division? Oooh, Sarah is a smart one. She's still thinking about that diverted funding. Diane tries to talk her way out of the hole she just dug by blathering, "Did I say division? 'Cause in the NSA it's more like, um, wings." Oh, like on the maxipad Band-Aid Jake is wearing? Sarah is not fooled, but smiles. Small children run away in terror at the brightness. The game ends, and Agent Hottie wins a giant stuffed dog for Diane. Jake wins nada for Sarah.
Next up: ring toss. Again, if this was Queer as Folk? Whole other recap (especially if it was about Emmett). Agent Hottie says Jake and Diane are friends; has Diane mentioned him? "No, not really," Jake jealouses. Agent Hottie wins the ring toss, and another large stuffed dog, for Diane. On the faux boardwalk, the couples walk past the strongman game. Agent Hottie passes, but Jake decides this might be his chance to one up Agent Hottie. Or to abuse his superpowers in what amounts to a giant pissing contest. Either way. The camera pans to Vasily, who lurks near some scaffolding, watching them. Agent Hottie isn't half bad, but Jake breaks the sledgehammer as he zihzihzihzihzuh-rings the bell. Diane checks on him before whispering, "Cheater." Jake hands over the prize, a huge fugly frog, to Sarah. She says she'll "treasure it always," and what does he want to do next. Jake starts to answer but he somehow senses and then sees Vasily. Sarah asks what's wrong, but Jake says he has to go and Clark Kents her. Jake sees Diane and Agent Hottie and asks if he's done fieldwork. Just some basic training, he replies. Jake tells him to call in a code nine, code name Vasily. The men run off in opposite directions, and Diane is left alone with her stuffed animals.
Jake, in the parking lot, zihzihzihzihzuh-infrareds in search of Vasily. I still love that silvery effect they use on Jake's irises when he switches to infrared. He spots Vasily getting into a car. Jake approaches the vehicle from the back and the side, crouched and stealthy. And reflected to Vasily in the driver's side mirror. Whoops. As soon as Jake gets close enough, Vasily swings open the door. The driver's side window shatters against Jake's head. Ouch! Vasily stands over Jake and opens a knife. Jake mouth breathes, terrified. Commercials.
We're back. Jake's still scared and breathing through his mouth. Vasily has still got a knife. Luckily, Agent Hottie is also in the parking lot and he jumps from a car to push Vasily facedown on the hood. Agent Hottie has a pistol to Vasily's neck and starts to pull the trigger. Jake yells, "No! No! What are you doing?" "Saving your ass," Agent Hottie pants. "He's already down, man," Jake says. For a few seconds, it's not sure if Agent Hottie will back off, but he does. Jake winces and puts his hand to his head.
NSA Headquarters. Prisoner Holding Area. Not that anyone is holding prisoners or holding their areas. Ahem. Kyle tells the two guards to "get some coffee," and they leave him alone with Vasily. This week, the prisoner gets a cot. Next week, maybe a toilet. And not a moment too soon. Kyle, sipping from his own go cup, tells Vasily he didn't think to bring him any. Vasily mutters that it's a diuretic, and Kyle agrees that that could be a problem given the "sparse modern confines" of the Plexiglas cell. Kyle starts taunting Vasily, who merely replies, "Are you going to torture me or are you just going to talk me to death?" For the second week in a row, I am reminded of Lindsey McDonald. In "Dead End" from Angel Season Two, everybody's favorite Evil Handed lawyer said, "So you're here to talk me to death?" after Angel talked about air cars and robots. Say it with me. Mmmm... Lindsey. Vasily and Kyle are in a pissing match of their own, with Kyle telling Vasily that the U.S. doesn't torture prisoners in this country. In Central America, on the other hand... Vasily menaces, "I find pain to be the most effective way... of getting what you want." "Is that why you tried to hurt my friend?" Kyle asks. Aw. He's Jake's friend. Then why does he keep dating himself? No matter. Vasily ain't talking.
Lab. Once again Jake is supine and shirtless. In case you're keeping track of such scenes. Diane is checking Jake's stomach wound. She thankgods that "Steve had your back," and did you know he's getting a commendation? He might even be upgraded to active field agent. Jake gets pissy, and Diane says there's room enough for two heroes. Jake bitches that "only one pays alimony." He tells her Agent Hottie is divorced. She knows, but how did Jake? He admits to "peeking" at Agent Hottie's file, but claims there's something wrong with Agent Hottie. "Why is a crypto guy carrying a gun to a carnival?" Diane says no, there's something wrong with Jake. Apparently, not leaving one's house for a weekend is a bad thing. It is? Then baby did a bad, bad thing. Jake has lost the ability to relate on a personal level. She cites his behavior with Sarah at the fundraiser as an example. Jake omigods that he completely forgot about Sarah; he just left her at the carnival. Jake says his ineptitude was because he and Sarah had kissed. Diane wonders if that isn't good as he has liked Sarah forever. Jake asks Diane what the next stage in his relationship with Sarah is. He's got millions of tiny, tiny robots (he says "microscopic" but still) in his body. The best he can hope for with Sarah is that he doesn't lie to her. "Nobody can ever know the real me. Nobody except you," he concludes. Jake/Diane 'shippers faint dead away at this declaration but revive quickly to see Diane's response. "Jake," she emotes, her voice trembling. "I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere. But you gotta stop cutting yourself off from everybody else." This is the perfect opportunity to bring back the Czuchry, people.
Jarring scene change to Sparse Modern Plexiglas Confines. Beckett asks Kyle if Vasily is cooperating. Nope. Giving up his bosses wouldn't be good for Vasily's "rep." Kyle's dating himself again, this time in front of his supervisor! Beckett says LaFortunata has some information, and she will even go with Kyle to retrieve it.
Night. Jake meets Sarah on a tree-lined sidewalk with lights and benches. He starts to apologize, but she interrupts. She says she gets it. She talks about the kiss. "I don't think either of us expected there to be something there, but there was." First, Jake has been crushing on Sarah for at least six years so I'm pretty sure he expected... something. Second, Sarah initiated the kiss. Why would she do that if she didn't think there was something there? The pizza sauce on his lip couldn't have been that tasty. Maybe she was drunk. After all, most of her stories from her Georgetown days seem to revolve around beer. Anyway, she says that Jake doesn't need to keep coming up with these stories just because he's hesitant about being with her. Wow. Just... wow. Way to make it all about you, Trixie. Jake says he doesn't want to wreck "this." Sarah doesn't either. In all fairness, Sarah looks really lovely in this scene. Her hair is down, she's wearing a scarf and is quite pretty. She needs Jake "to be completely honest" with her. "You want me to be honest?" Jake breathes. Sarah looks at him solemnly and then ruins it all by saying, "Totally." Bwa ha ha! She could have just said "yes" or "completely honest" or something that wouldn't make her sound like an aging Valley Girl. I know she means "totally honest," but it still sounds goofy. Hee!
Pig Boy's basement. LaFortunata babbles about Wladmir Sticj. Sticj tended bar in the 1920s and spent the last 40 years in "a less than ornate" grave. "I don't follow," Beckett asides to Kyle. "Wait for it," Kyle answers. LaFortunata's network of geeks discovered that the Polish corporation is a front for the local Mafia. The syndicate is obsessed with cutting-edge technology, and they hired Vasily to steal them a subject to get them into "the nanotech game." Kyle and Beckett leave in a hurry.
Sarah and Jake. I smell more Misguided Misdirection. Sarah wows, "I don't know what to say." Jake replies there's nothing she can say. Really, she can't repeat it to anyone. Sarah wants to get everything straight. "You're a secret agent at the NSA." Whoa! I was not expecting that. I never thought that Jake would actually tell her his secret. I expected it to be the revelation that Jake had been crushing on Sarah since their freshman year, not that he has half a billion dollars worth of nanotechnology inside his body. Kudos, Actual Misdirection. I mistook you for your misguided sibling. Sarah continues, "and there are these tiny robots."
Hold the phone. Is that a shout-out? Is Sarah saying "tiny robots" a shout-out? I've been calling the nanites "tiny, tiny robots" since August.
Jake interrupts. "Computers, really. Microscopic computers. They're self-replicating and feed off the..." Sarah looks at him and he stumbles, "Uh, yeah. Tuh-tiny robots."
Christopher Gorham said "tiny robots."
Christopher Gorham said "tiny robots!"
And he even stuttered a little so it was more like, "tuh-tiny robots," which is only one syllable away from "tiny, tiny robots!"
! ! ! ! !
I know for it to be a true shout out, one of them would have had to say both tinys, but hell. I'll take anything at this point. Quiet, you.
After he says, "Tiny robots," Jake closes his eyes as if he's in pain and can't believe Sarah is calling nanites tiny robots. Whee! And hee! Sarah summarizes that they him superhuman abilities. Jake shrugs. She okays and stands up. Jake tells her he wanted to be 100 percent-- WHACK! Sarah slaps him across the face. I didn't see that coming either. But considering how self-centered Sarah is, I shouldn't have been surprised. Jake is amazed as Sarah reiterates that she just wanted him to be honest. Oh, the irony. Her parting shot is, "It's been a blast." A beer blast, maybe.
Jake walks down the sidewalk, telling himself that at least he didn't lie. A car drives behind him and screeches to a loud halt. Jake is caught in the headlights with his forearm thrown up in defense. It's Kyle. Jake, heart in his throat, says, "Do you have to be so dramatic?" Ha! In the car, Kyle tells Jake is got lucky and that Vasily is after someone connected to nanotechnology. Jake thinks it doesn't make sense, "He could have had me. Twice. Why didn't he take me?" Kyle looks at Jake as if he can't believe Vasily would pass him up. "Let's ask him," Kyle growls. Hee!
Sparse Modern Plexiglas Confines. Kyle and Jake enter Vasily's cell. He's lying motionless on the cot. When he doesn't respond to Kyle's verbal judo, Kyle touches his shoulder. Vasily rolls over, dead from a large throat slash. Interestingly enough, there's only a small pool of blood on the bench and none on the floor. Okay, it's not that interesting. Kyle asks why there's a dead prisoner. Jake puts it all together. Agent Hottie was working with Vasily, but once Vasily was in custody, Agent Hottie couldn't take the risk that Vasily would keep quiet. "He cut out the middleman," Kyle episode titles, and I believe that is the first time an episode title has been mentioned in the show's dialogue. [Drink?—Illyria] Jake exclaims that Agent Hottie is going to give his buyers an expert in nanotechnology: Diane. See, I knew Agent Hottie wasn't destined for a multi-episode arc. However, Diane is still in the dark, figuratively and literally as she and Agent Hottie cross the Virginia state line. Diane teases is he sure he won't tell her where they are going? Agent Hottie says it's a surprise. Dun dun dun!
Hello, Joshua Junior. The entire department is tracking Agent Hottie and Diane, who isn't answering her home or cell phone. Jake rattles off Agent Hottie's license plate (D.C. 4BMH359) to crosscheck with feeds from all intersection cameras and toll booths; sometimes snooping pays off. There's an NSA seal in the background. Drink! Also, the woman entering information is SheAgentWhoTheHell—I guess she'll take Jake's orders now. Thousands of license plates speed by on the big screen as Jake reads them all. "Come on," he says. The number comes up; the photograph was taken 15 minutes ago from the Key Bridge into Virginia. Kyle and Jake leave immediately. Beckett wants a pinpoint on the car's location.
A beach with a slip and a yacht tied to the dock. Agent Hottie, carrying the black bag he stole from evidence, tells Diane they are going on a pleasure cruise on a friend's boat and that he will cook her dinner. She says it sounds romantic. He is glad she thinks so.
Jake and Kyle speed down the road to Virginia. Other agents follow. Headquarters relays the location of Agent Hottie's car. Kyle reassures Jake that nothing is going to happen to Diane. "You pissed?" he asks. "Very," Jake all but growls. "Good," Kyle smiles. That Kyle is one odd duck. The caravan stops and Kyle issues orders to the other agents. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-listens and hears Diane's voice and the boat's engine starting. He takes off. Kyle and the others follow. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-runs down the dock and zihzihzihzihzuh-jumps onto the back of the boat, which is named Fair & Balanced. Hey, Agent Hottie is stealing Al Franken's yacht! Kyle and the agents can only watch from the edge of the dock.
Jake surprises Diane, who wants to know what he's doing there. Agent Hottie emerges from below decks with champagne... and an attitude when he sees Jake. "You shouldn't be here," Agent Hottie warns as he points his gun at Jake. Cough. Diane is aghast. Jake demands Agent Hottie tell Diane the truth. "Sorry, Diane. I do like you. But you can't imagine how much they're paying me." Oooh, that one hurt. Diane gasps for a bit, then tells Jake to turn the boat around. Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs the navigational system, and grabs Agent Hottie's wrist when he is thrown off balance by the change of course. Jake squeezes and Agent Hottie drops the gun. Agent Hottie punches Jake in the stomach, and Jake responds with a zihzihzihzihzuh-jab in the face. Not the face! Unlike the sparring dummy at the beginning of the episode, the rogue agent's head is still in one piece. Agent Hottie is unconscious, Jake's stomach wound is hurting, and Diane is leaning against Jake.
Jake's apartment. Diane, in a cute pink sweater, has her chin in her hands as she recites, "Lousy, ugly, lying, bastard, alone, only, lonely, solo, sadly, badly, and madly." The camera pan reveals that the two friends are playing Boggle. Jake only came up with two words: tush and tushy. Hee. Diane wins the game again. She still can't believe how stupid she was. Sipping some white wine, she muses, "Not just anyone allows themselves to get wined and dined and sold into white scientist slavery." She said that if she listened to Jake she would have been saved from the world's most pathetic breakup. Jake begs to differ as he thinks his bustup with Sarah is worse. Diane anvils that people don't see what's right in front of them. "Do you think you can take me?" Diane asks as she leans toward him. Jake boggles in the way that has nothing to do with the game. But Diane is just reaching for the game dice. Jake says he'll never be able to compete with her brain. The only word she doesn't know is mercy. Diane says she didn't see that one. She does this cute thing with her lip, and Jake laughs. Jake seriouses, "You have an amazing mind." "Why can't I find a guy who's just after my body?" Diane wonders. You and me both, woman. You and me both.
© deeablo 2003
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