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Jake 2.0 Ep 1.11 - Hurry Boy, She's Waiting There For You
Sunday, December 21 @ 03:00:50 EST
By Deeablo
"Prince and the Revolution"
Previously on Jake 2.0: There were previouslies. Then there was a general introduction in lieu of previouslies. This week, we get both! Beckett voiceovers about "the freak accident" that upgraded Jake Foley. We slide into scenes and dialogue from the last episode ("The Spy Who Really Liked Me"). Jake identifies himself at the board inquiry as "the human subject with millions of tiny robots inside." Panel Woman asks her cohorts, "Did you see the way he stood up to us?" In case we didn't, we're helpfully shown Jake spitting, "This isn't about our field performance. This is about you finding a scapegoat," with self-righteous anger. "That's a soldier." Panel Woman adds. When Skerrit asks if she "likes" Jake, she replies, "I hate and fear him, but a man like that bent to your will could accomplish anything." Jake punches through the head of a dummy (unfortunately for us, it's not Dubya) as Skerrit doubts that Jake is bent to anyone's will. Kyle reminds Jake that he needs to "follow orders, just like everyone else." Panel Woman thinks it's a problem; "one [she] intend[s] to rectify." Jake's got a new enemy, and this time, it's not the show's hairstylist.
Well hello, recycled footage zooming close to a satellite orbiting Earth! We haven't seen you since "Arms and the Girl." And there's the same shot zooming from space to NSA headquarters. Now I'm all nostalgic and shit. Diane says, "So who had the turkey and Swiss?" Team Tiny, Tiny Robots is in the lab, and there is no food to be found. Diane reads more lunch orders as Kyle and Beckett watch Jake look around. Diane's faux meal is pepperoni pizza with anchovies and artichokes. "It's the two A's that make a meal worth having." Jake turns in her direction, but he's looking past her to an air vent. He makes a whirling gesture with one hand to indicate that he's found something. We hear the buzzing, pulsing, crackling noise of zihzihzihzihzuh as Jake interfaces with a bug planted behind the ventilation screen. He shorts it out and says, "We're clear." Kyle incredulouses, "'The two A's that make a meal worth having'?" Diane sputters that she's not a spy. Jake bitches about the higher-ups and their attempt to keep sooper sekrit tabs on the team. Beckett tells him to get used to it. She explains, "There are factions upstairs who don't want to see us succeed. They're threatened by things they can't control." That includes Jake. He looks at his co-workers, who are regarding him silently. He whats. Kyle tells him that he [Kyle], Beckett, and Diane had a talk. "Are you voting me off the island?" Jake jokes. He glances at Diane, who returns his smile. Kyle continues that the three of them can have lives after "the program" ends. They can move on. Jake, on the other hand, is the program. There's no out for him. He tries to make light of it by breezing that Warner et al is "gonna put me in a cage five miles underneath the Rocky Mountains." Crap! How did he find out about my underground love lair? Now I'll have to find somewhere else to stash Christian Kane. Kyle knows an "identity specialist" who owes him a favor. He can give Jake a new name and a new life. None of this is legal or inexpensive, of course, but it's an option for Jake to disappear if he chooses to do so.
South Kembu, Africa. Stock news footage of African unrest plays: men with machine guns, soldiers in tanks, civilians running, smoke, gunfire. An anchor on the NWM network reports that the 300-year-old rivalry in Kembu is intensifying. "A radical paramilitary faction led by General Iniko Baako has broken last year's cease fire." Baako's graphic shows a photograph of him to the left of an outline of the African continent. From a catwalk above the smallish war room that is Hello, Joshua Junior (and which seems to be growing larger every week), Skerrit and Panel Woman continue watching the news on one of the screens below. The newsman adds that Baako "is attempting to overthrow the parliamentary democracy established by King Namir, the patriarch of the royal family of Kembu." King Namir's graphic also includes a photograph and a map, but this one has an outline of Kembu, which is apparently located on the Horn of Africa. Actual nations in that region include Djibouti, Eritrea, Ethiopia, and Somalia. Not the most peaceful place on the planet in recent years. In a recorded statement, the king reassures his people that they will stand strong against the tyrant Baako, "and our allies from around the world will stand with us." Uh oh. And there's an NSA seal on the side of the screen. Drink!
Panel Woman tells Skerrit that "his allies are us and the French." [Somewhere, I'm sure that line was redubbed to say "his allies are us and Freedom."—Illyria] There's a tacky exchange about bleeding and oil field production, but let's skip that. Namir wants very little from the United States, but he is worried about his son. "The prince?" Panel Woman duhs. I mean, really. She and Skerrit look at the screen again as the anchor reports that there has been no comment from Prince Malik. The news shows footage of the prince and a young woman (Darling Nikki?) dodging the media. Hey, it's The Famous Jett Jackson! And he's going to a private school in the Washington, B.C., area. Whatever will happen next? Wait, there's more set-up for the slower members of the audience. Skerrit intones that there's potential for an assassination attempt on the heir to the throne. Panel Woman wonders how credible the threat is. Skerrit replies very; Baako doesn't just kill his enemies. He also kills their families. Any assault on Prince Jett would be a risk to the agent assigned to protect him. "I see. What's Jake Foley up to?" Panel Woman asks, to the surprise of no one who has ever watched television before.
Credits. Hey, there's Sarah! Not that I miss her or anything. And I know I'm not the only one who can't wait to watch the new installment of America's Next Top Model.
NSA hallways. Panel Woman greets Jake as she passes him. He stutters, "Hey, uh, hello, Executive Director Warner." Finally! A name! As a bonus, she adds, "Please, call me Valerie," as she walks away. Two names! It must be the holidays. In the doorway to Beckett's office, Jake tells his boss that he just saw Warner. "She was pleasant. Now I'm really scared." Kyle informs Jake of his new assignment: bodyguard to the prince until the chaos in Kembu subsides. Jake thinks it doesn't sound too bad, but Beckett warns him that it's dangerous. "If the prince gets hurt, Warner blames us. You get hurt..." "Warner blames us," Jake finishes. Kyle says that Jake is close to the prince's age, "and you are the ultimate human surveillance system." Christopher Gorham looks at Philip Anthony-Rodriguez as if he can't believe Philip delivered that hokey line with a straight face. Actually, Philip doesn't; he smiles. Kyle will head up (now, now) a team of agents who will profile visas to try and track down any potential sleeper cells connected to General Baako. Jake won't be alone on this case. Beckett asks Jake if he's given any thought to what the team discussed in the lab. "It's about all I've been doing, " Jake confesses, but he hasn't made a decision. Until then, he doesn't mind hanging with Prince Jett. Jake wonders if he's going "to live in a castle somewhere? It'd be kinda cool to see a moat." He's so earnest.
And so, so wrong. Welcome back to uni, Jake. Your dreams were your ticket out. Jake checks out the female coeds, all of whom—save one—are dressed for autumn. Close to a fountain, Jake gets nailed in the back of the head with a red Frisbee. A voice yells, "Watch out!" seconds after after the disc hits him. Way to coordinate the extras, yo. A female agent on a walkie-talkie asks if he's okay. He affirms that he is and grumbles, "No need to put that in the report," as he bends down to pick up the Frisbee. A pretty brown-haired girl checks out Jake as she saunters by. Jake grins goofily as the unseen extra's voice calls out, "Sorry! Could you throw it here?" Jake, who never takes his eyes off the brunette, whips the disc toward the voice. Of course it smashes through a window, but not before the Annoying Unseen Extra screeches, "Catch it!" at a student who chooses to duck rather than be decapitated. It's Jake's turn to apologize, and he winces as he does so.
Jake goes inside a dormitory and asks after Prince Jett, who is upstairs on the right. Jake climbs the stairs and is stopped by an African-American man entering from Jake's left. Hey, it's Darius, Lex's brandy-drugging bodyguard from Smallville! He's wearing a form-fitting burgundy turtleneck. Has he been raiding Lex's closet ? Carson Kressly would approve. Jake immediately calls him "Your Highness" and I cringe. Are we expected to believe that Jake didn't even bother to look at a photograph of Prince Jett and immediately thought the first black guy he saw was the man he was supposed to protect? I'd guess that the writer was trying to play up the "comedy" of mistaken identity and all, but it doesn't work. And it has the potential to be incredibly insulting. Anyway, blah blah NSA blah blah assigned to protect blah blah. Darius just looks at him. Jake asks, "Jambo?" ARGH! How is this even remotely funny? Prince Jett walks up, FROM THE RIGHT, and damn. The boy is cute. Oh, he says, "I don't believe he speaks Swahili." "Actually, I grew up in Vermont," Darius rumbles in a deep voice. Heh. Jake apologizes and looks sheepish. Shouldn't he be MORTIFIED? Prince Jett tells him, "You bow to me, call me your highness, anything like that, you're fired." He introduces Darius as "Tracy" and adds, "I know what you're thinking. Isn't that a woman's name?" HA! I like this kid. Jake eyes widen as he no-nos. Prince Jett checks out Jake and wonders if the NSA is "downsizing" when it comes to bodyguards. "Well, didn't you hear? Scrawny is the new big," Jake beams. Bwa ha ha! What a dork. Prince Jett tries to establish a few ground rules ("I can't have some guy following me around campus because... that's not suave."), but Jake won't hear of it. Darius Tracy tries to intimidate Jake, but the prince calls him off. "You're not hanging with me, man," Prince Jett declares. "At least not in those clothes." Ooh, I smell a makeover!
Prince Jett's room. The producers continue to bludgeon their audience with The Six Million Dollar Man homages as the prince holds up a royal blue track suit with bright yellow racing stripes and a white zipper. "You want me to wear that?" Jake gripes. He looks as if something stinks. Hey, at least it's not that rusty orange monstrosity Steve Austin sported. Prince Jett tells him it was good enough for "the crown prince of Tajir." And he can always call the NSA and rat out Jake. Prince Jett says he'll wait outside.
"I look like some kind of Muppet reject--" Jake stops as he opens the door to an empty hallway. His ear piece crackles as the female agent on campus tells him she has the prince "in the northeast perimeter." Jake rushes to the window, waves at her, and says he's on it. At the door, Darius Tracy blocks his way. A promise to the prince, as well as "two C-notes in [his] pocket," means Jake would have to fight his way out. Exasperated, Jake shuts the door in Darius Tracy's face and looks for another exit. He finds the fire escape just as he sees Prince Jett driving away in a dark purple Beemer. A long shot of the fire escape clearly reveals the stuntman in a bad wig. Perhaps he borrowed one from Bai Ling? A close-up of Christopher Gorham huffing and puffing (man, it was just one flight of stairs) doesn't fool us. The stuntman jumps from the third floor of the staircase, and Christopher Gorham lands and rolls as he asks his fellow agent where Prince Jett is. He just passed the science building. Jake nano-runs without the zihzihzihzihzuh sound effect. I don't like this. Jake runs in front of Prince Jett's car, hands outstretched. The prince stops and asks Jake how he did that. Stop the car? Jake says he's good at his job and proceeds to tear Prince Jett a new one. Not literally. The prince tries to bribe Jake. When that fails, Prince Jett tells him to "have it your way." Mmmmm... Burger King. "Seat belt," he adds, before flooring it.
Prince Jett's Wild Ride. Swerving and speeding through campus, Prince Jett tells Jake his last bodyguard was shot to death in front of him. "Have you ever seen brain?" Jake, trying not to puke as the prince weaves in and out of traffic and turns far too sharply at corners, replies in the negative. Prince Jett says it's nothing personal, but having bodyguards means bringing flowers to the hospital. Or to the grave. Jake wusses something about getting a ticket, and the prince fires back, "Two words: diplomatic immunity." Blah blah enjoy every moment to the fullest blah blah. And what Prince Jett defines as living life to the fullest apparently includes ignoring traffic signals.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Another news report. "General Baako's army swept through the northern cities of Ujeme and Nyumba in war-torn Kembu today." Kyle and Diane watch the footage as Beckett and Skerrit talk in the background. The king responded to this maneuver by deploying troops to "the rich oil fields." Unconfirmed sources reveal that Baako has control of two of the nation's four electric plants. Kyle is exasperated that the media knows this information before they do. Diane reassures him that it's unconfirmed, but Beckett, who has finished her discussion with Skerrit, intones, "Well, it's confirmed now." And it's not two of the plants; it's three. Apparently, King Namir lied and told the NSA two hours ago that he still had control of all of the electric plants. Diane wonders why Namir would lie to his allies, and Beckett tells her it's an attempt to appear stronger. Diane knows this situation doesn't concern her, but "Jake does. And if you're gonna send him into the field, I think I have a right to know what's going on. Ma'am," she finishes. Hee. Beckett replies that none of them know what's going on, and they need better intel. Nonspy Diane says Jake is closest to the king's only son.
Basketball court. Prince Jett and some friends play hoops. Jake, standing on the other side of the playground fence, still looks stupid in the track suit. His cell rings. It's Kyle, who tells him to try and get information about the king. Jake argues, "This guy's not exactly thrilled to have me around. Now you want me to spy on him?" Kyle answers, "We're the National Security Agency. It's kinda what we do." Bwa! Best. Government. Slogan. Ever. After he hangs up, Jake looks into Prince Jett's open duffel and sees a personal digital assistant. Walking around the chainlink fence, he sits on the bench next to the bag. He's got his hands in his pockets. Hands in pockets! The game gets rough and a player is injured. Jake starts to zihzihzihzihzuh-interface with the prince's PDA, but stops after one of Prince Jett's friends asks him to fill in for "Little Mike." Jake demurs, "I'm not exactly what the doctors call 'coordinated.'" Snerk. The prince assures Jake that nobody will be passing him the ball anyway.
White Boys Not Jumping. Jake sucks muchly, to the surprise of no one. After a few plays, Prince Jett pulls Jake aside. Jake says he's doing his best. One of their opponents trash talks, "I'm just wondering if Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner are going to toss it in or keep playing." Being compared to Costner doesn't sit well with Jake, so he calls the tiny, tiny robots off the bench. Spectacular b-ball effects occur, most of which includes Jake jumping high and stuffing the ball. "Schooled by Kevin Costner," Prince Jett crows, and he and Jake exchange high fives to celebrate their victory. How manly.
Dormitory. Jake tells Prince Jett he learned to play ball "on the mean streets of Akron, Ohio." The prince relates a story about how his dad flew out Michael Jordan for a week so Mike could teach his son a few thing. Jake, flabbergasted, says he once owned a pair of Air Jordans. Prince Jett likes Jake. "My father raised me to trust no one." Oh, the upcoming irony. Jake asks about Namir, and the prince says his father is a good guy. He's done some questionable things, but various groups have been plotting against his family for hundreds of years, so... Jake walks over to the duffel bag. Prince Jett says he doesn't want to be a part of his nation's troubled legacy, but he has no choice. It's his destiny. "You know what, Jake? I'd visit you in the hospital. But flowers? That where I draw the line." Jake palms the PDA when the prince's back is turned. Jake goes to leave but Prince Jett stops him. About that track suit... Jake realizes no crown prince ever wore it. The prince says Jake can keep it, or burn it. Heh. Jake leaves.
Outside of Prince Jett's dorm. A bald African man sits in a car. He loads a video disc into a laptop. General Baako appears on the small screen. He menaces, "All members of the royal family must be eradicated to ensure our complete success. The prince is your primary target."
Jake's dorm room. Jake uploads the prince's PDA data using a memory card. Jake has also changed out of the track suit into a button-down shirt and jeans. Electronic squawking from Jake's ear piece on the night stand gets his attention from across the room. Man, that is some ugly wallpaper. The on-campus agent tells Jake "there's a breach in dormitory security." Whoever came through an emergency exit is coming Jake's way. Jake pulls out his gun from the bedside table drawer and walks into the hallway. He sees Prince Jett's door closing. Jake hurries down the hall. Ten seconds later, he kicks in the door to find a shirtless prince and a shirtless-but-bra'ed woman. Whoops. Fast work, you horny kids. And did anyone think the security breach was the African Assassin? Didn't think so.
Commercials. This is when I segue into one of my trademark long, unfunny anecdotes that have nothing to do with Jake. Oh, wait. The point of a recap is to provide an accurate and (hopefully) entertaining summary of what happened during this episode, not meet my word count and simultaneously stroke my ego by demanding y'all wade through a witless navel gazing.
That's right, I said navel gazing.
And we're back. Prince Jett's girlfriend, Anna, grills Jake about his experience and credentials. If Anna looks familiar, perhaps some of y'all recognize her as a participant in that train wreck Hollywood Wives: The New Generation. (Another victim? Eric Johnson.) In other weirdness, I remember her from an episode of The Outer Limits that also featured Jake foe DuMont. All roads do lead back to Vancouver! And yes, Anna is the same woman Prince Jett was with during the teaser. Jake might not have the fancy moves, but he points to his head and claims, "It's mostly up here. Otherwise, it'd be kinda hard to kill a man with your bare hands." Prince Jett and Anna stare at Jake. They're both really pretty. The prince doesn't know if Jake is telling the truth or bluffing, but he's "feeling" Jake—again, not literally—as they bump fists in manly camaraderie. "For shizzle?" Jake asks. HA! Prince Jett speaks for all of us when he tells Jake he doesn't need to do that. There's a lot of things in this episode that bother me plotwise, but Lee Thompson Young's performance makes up for most of them. He's a good actor and has a great rapport with Christopher Gorham. Unlike some recent guest stars (*cough*that assclown who played Jerry*cough*), Lee Thompson Young delivers clichÈd lines with skill and panache. Also? He's hella cute. Talk turns to the prince's 21st birthday party. Jake doesn't like the idea, but Anna says she's throwing it anyway. "I don't care what your bodyguard says." Prince Jett says it's Jake's call. Jake caves, of course; he wants to be hip with the youngsters, yo. The prince kisses Anna goodbye before he and Jake go to class.
Campus. Prince Jett says Anna is "really special." Short bus special? Too bad he'll have to break up with her. Jake blusters as the prince tells him about his arranged marriage between himself and his cousin. "She's 14 years old. Weighs 350 pounds. Cute face, though." Jake looks flummoxed. Prince Jett is just playing; he "can marry anyone [he] want[s], as long as she's another royal from Kembu." Which isn't much of a choice at all. Again, it's all in the delivery and the timing. Hee. Jake looks down at his pocket before his cell phone rings. Sloppy. It's Kyle; the only information on the prince's PDA was his social calendar. "Jake, we're getting a lot of pressure from above." Heh. Heh heh heh. Kyle once again mentions Kembu's oil reserves. "You're gonna have to dig deeper." Ahem. Jake acknowledges this, and we see the African Assassin walk by. He even gets his own menacing close up.
Classroom. Ugh, calculus. My brain instantly glazes over. Jake sits next to Prince Jett, who has a laptop on his desk. The professor asks the class for an answer to a problem that the class has been studying for a week. Jake looks around and decides to raise his hand. He tells the prince, "I so know this." The professor asks Jake his name. "Alan. Alan Hergott." Hey, Continuity! Pull up a chair and stay a while. (For those of y'all who haven't been watching Jake 2.0 since the beginning, Alan Hergott is the alias Jake used when he met Theresa the Terrorist. It's also the name of Jake's sixth grade teacher.) Jake supplies a solution. He's wrong. But his mouth looks awfully luscious as he's failing. Prince Jett says Jake's mistake is "in the interpretation." Conveniently, the prince walks down to the board in front of the class to explain the correct answer. Just as conveniently, Jake uses a "removable storage device" to download information from Prince Jett's laptop. Jake removes the memory card before the prince returns.
In the hallway outside the classroom, Prince Jett compliments Jake on "the brick" he dropped in the calculus class. Jake yeah-yeahs, "It's not like I majored in computer science or anything." Jake passes the storage device to the female agent who has been helping him keep tabs on the prince. Before Jake and Prince Jett can make it to the next class (Early Nineteenth Century Eastern European Literature), Anna stops them. She spotted the handoff. Oopsie. Jake tries to bluff his way out of it, but Anna's not buying. The prince can't believe he was beginning to trust Jake. Prince Jett and Anna walk away; the prince doesn't even bother to look back at Jake when he fires him.
Double wipe to Beckett's office. Her laptop has an NSA seal on the screen. Drink! Kyle brings Beckett a copy of an e-mail that King Namir sent to Prince Jett yesterday. Beckett reads it aloud. "THE FLOWERS HAVE ALL FADED. BLOW IF YOU WILL, AUTUMN WIND." Kyle cracks that he didn't know the king was a poet. Beckett tells Kyle that these were the last words of Lord Usagi of feudal Japan said before he was beheaded. Actually, no. It's a misquote of a famous Japanese death haiku by Gansan.
Blow if you will,
fall wind—the flowers
have all faded.
Sigh. Obviously, Namir thinks he's going to lose the war, or maybe even his life. Beckett thinks Baako is sure to eliminate the prince. SheAgent WhoTheHell enters and announces that they've just "red flagged" three student visas that might be Baako sleepers. Beckett tells her to send the photographs to Jake.
Dormitory. A long line stretches outside Prince Jett's room. Jake is trying to convince Darius Tracy to let him in. No dice. Meanwhile, African Assassin greet Darius Tracy. The two men shake hands and bump fists before African Assassin goes into the party. Jake threatens to call the NSA and "shut this whole thing down." Darius Tracy tells him to go right ahead. Jake's phone rings. It's Kyle calling from Hello, Joshua Junior. He's streaming pictures of the three possible sleepers to Jake now. The two men banter about Jake not being able to be fired before Jake looks at the photographs. NSA seal on Jake's cell. Drink! The third snapshot is of African Assassin. They actually have THE NERVE to show the Darius Tracy/African Assassination handshake/fistbump in flashback, even though we just saw it 33 SECONDS ago. Jesus. Is this another case of all black men looking alike? I really, really hope not. Jake tells Kyle he just saw African Assassin. Kyle is sending backup and orders Jake to get to the prince. "Now." Darius Tracy tells Jake "it's not gonna happen." Jake apologizes before he throws Darius Tracy into the line of wannabes. There is no zihzihzihzihzuh; rather, a large swooping wind sound accompanies the stunt. Did I already say that I don't like Jake using his superpowers without the correct sound effects? I did? Okay, then.
Inside the party. Lots and lots of people in a room with a strobelight. Strobelight, whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Lemme kiss your pineapple! Jake shouts for the prince, but the music is too loud. He sees Prince Jett and Anna standing together. He also catches a glimpse of the African Assassin. He plows through a group of dancing women. "What's up, baby daddy?" one ho asks him. "You're so good," another one adds. Excuse me.
BWA HA HA HA HA HA!
Sorry. The thought of Jake as anyone's baby daddy makes me laugh until I cry. Anyway, the bizznitches grind on Jake for a while before he can get away from them. He actually says he's "in the middle of something." Boy, howdy: a skank sammich! Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs the strobelight to stop the flickering. The party goers groan at the now brightly lit room. Jake pushes Prince Jett to the side before tackling African Assassin, who had his gun out and ready to fire. Now, now. A punch to African Assassin's face, and all is well. The hangers-on scatter.
Double wipe. Kyle talks on his cell as two agents remove African Assassin. Prince Jett thanks Jake and rehires him. Anna can't believe what happened. Kyle tells Jake that he just received some intel from Kembu. The war is over, and the king is dead. Jake delivers the bad news to Namir's only son.
Commercials. Kyle secures the dormitory perimeter as Jake, Anna, and the prince-now-king watch the same reporter (man, he's been busy) confirm Namir's death. "King Namir's assassination virtually assures that General Iniko Baako will be Kembu's new ruler. Now [sic] the State Department has not issued an official response to the rebel coup, except to say that so far, the situation remains fluid." Jett turns off the television. Kyle tells Jake they have to go. Anna asks Jake to stay, but the prince-now-king knows the score. Jake says they're "leaving an army here" and promises nothing will happen. Oh, Jake. Did you learn nothing about the promise you made to Blonde NowNotSoBaddie a few weeks ago? Wait, that worked out in the end. Never mind.
Beckett's office. Jake is recounting the details of African Assassin's capture, which Kyle and Beckett already know. Beckett says Jake's "work was exemplary." It dawns on Jake that they are not sending him back to guard the prince-now-king. Orders from Warner herself. King Jett is now on his own, mostly because of U.S. policy that deals with nations with an abundant oil supply. The United States is starting diplomatic talks with the new government of Kembu tomorrow. Beckett tries to convince Jake to take a small victory; they did a good job protecting the prince-before-he-became-a-king. It's not Jake's fault that the government switched sides. Jake continues to fume, but there's really nothing he can do. OR IS THERE?
NSA hallway. Warner bumps into Jake—not literally—and claims to be glad he's okay. "I'm glad you're glad," Jake smartasses. Blah blah excellent work blah blah prince won't be so lucky next time blah blah. Warner replies that if King Jett can rule a country, he can procure his own security. Jake argues that she didn't have to abandon him. Warner says, "This agency's job is to uphold the nation's foreign policy." Really? I thought the NSA's motto was "Spying on people: It's kind of what we do." Protecting King Jett, the enemy of a new ally, contradicts that policy. Everyone in the building, including Jake and Warner, are merely "instruments" of the government's will. This is so cheery!
Dormitory. Jett is not in his room. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-overhears Jett saying there's nothing he can do. Jake runs up to the roof, where Jett and Anna are looking at a blue screen. I mean, looking at the Washington Monument and the lights of a Washignton, D.C., evening. Jett isn't going to jump. He knows that the United States will soon be negotiating with the man who killed his father. None of the ambassadors have returned Jett's calls. Anna tries to comfort him, but Jett tells her, "I grew up watching this dance. I know when it's over." Jett thanks Jake and holds out his hand. They exchange a real handshake, none of that fist-bumping shite.
Lab. Diane grabs a bottle of liquor from a refrigerator, and what does it say about me that I know it's Goldschlager even though the room is far too dark to read the label? (I recognize the shape of the bottle.) Diane pours herself and Jake two drinks in what looks like small beakers. As I said, this scene is dark. I can barely see the actors' faces. Jake complains that Skerrit and Warner don't even see Jett as a human being; he's merely a loose end. Diane, not unkindly, asks if Jake really thought their mindset would change. He did. Aw. He's such a rube. They clink beakers and sip the liquid Dentyne. Really, that's what Goldschlager tastes like. Diane suggests Jake make peace with his situation; at the end of the day, there's nothing he can do about it. "I don't know if I can do this anymore, Diane," Jake rasps. Turns out that now is the time to pick up the B-plot mentioned in the teaser. You know, the one in which Jake can leave the NSA behind and he and his tiny, tiny robots hit the road? Diane said she would understand if she came into work tomorrow and he was gone. "And I'd really, really miss you." Double aw. Jake smiles, quite wistfully.
Fade to Kyle and Jake in an NSA hallway. Kyle asks if Jake is sure. Jake is. "So, thanks for everything you taught me," he says. "I'm sorry it wasn't enough," Kyle replies. This is so heartfelt that I can barely slash it. Kyle holds out his hand. Man hug! MAN HUG! Crap, Jake just shakes his hand. He walks away. He looks back at Kyle, then down at the card Kyle slipped him.
Fast-cut montage scene change, including an NSA seal. Drink! Jake is in a garage—probably the same set from "Jerry 2.0"—with the identity expert, Earl Wenk. The expert offers to "off" Jake either as a suicide in Jake's bathtub (the "Bowl of Soup") or by blowing up his car (the "Erik Estrada, also known as The Ponch"). Earl gets his bodies from the morgue. He only kills people on paper. No harm, no foul. Every new identity is so foolproof that it's "Kevlar." This is a one time offer, a favor for Kyle. After tonight, Jake is dead to Earl... and the world.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Diane comes in, looking frazzled. Skerrit and Warner watch from the catwalk. Diane's voice quavers as she asks Beckett and Kyle if Jake has been there. Kyle gently tells her she won't see him. Beckett looks up at her superiors. Diane, her head down, walks to the doors as Jake walks through them. Horrible music (please don't let that be "The Love Theme for Jake and Diane") underscores Diane's happiness at seeing him. "You're late," she smiles. SheAgent WhoTheHell breaks the spell to direct the team's attention to the news. The same poor anchorman—doesn't he ever get a day off?—reports that Jett and "an unnamed female companion" were killed in a car bombing. The accident happened hours after the United States announced its support of the regime change. Kyle looks at Jake. Uh oh.
The two men walk into an elevator. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-interfaces with the security camera to give them some privacy. It's the same footage as when Jake broke out Caleb Fulton to exchange him for his brother. As soon as they're clear, Kyle pushes the STOP button. He knows what Jake did, but tells the audience anyway. Jake took Jett and Anna to Earl Wenk to stage the car bombing. This was a one-shot deal for a ticket to a new life. Jake thinks Jett needed it more than he did. "You have a good heart, Jake," Kyle sighs. "I'm not so sure about your timing." He hands Jake a folder. It's a dossier on Anna. African Assassin gave her up. Her real name is Ayana Karanga, and she's part of Baako's radical group. She was sent in a year ago to get close to Jett. And Jake sent her away with him. Color me not surprised. Yawn.
Earl Wenk's Identity Changing Garage. Jake asks where Jett and Anna Ayana are. Earl refuses to tell him. Kyle threatens, "You're not the only one who knows how to make people disappear." I would enjoy Badass Kyle if the line he was growling wasn't so tired.
Random apartment building. Anna Ayana pours some wine. In a nice effect, Jett is seen through one of the glasses in the foreground before he's hidden behind a splash of Merlot. Or cabernet. They toast to finally being "free," Anna Ayana saying it's what he's always wanted. Jett puts down his glass without drinking from it. "So why do I feel like a coward?" But he's such a cute coward.
Speeding car. Jake and Kyle can't call for backup since Warner et al don't know about Earl and the services he offers. The two agents are on their own. OR ARE THEY? I think some tiny, tiny robots might come into play.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Anna Ayana sits next to Jett on a sofa. He stares off into the distance; she stares at him. She flicks open a knife out of the prince-now-king's eyesight. She tells him she loves him. "Love you too, baby," he mutters without even looking at her. Nice. In her close up, it's apparent that the make-up people wanted to emphasize Anna Ayana's already generous lips; her lipliner is way outside where her lips actually end. Voice trembling, Anna Ayana whimpers the standard. Blah blah told me to get close to you blah blah but I got too close blah blah. Jett finally looks at his girlfriend, just in time to see her raise the knife. He grabs her wrist to keep the blade from plunging downward.
Kyle's stuntman skids on the slick streets to add to the suspense. The car screeches to a halt outside a hostel & pub. Huh. Some new identity. Gun drawn, Kyle gets out of the drivers side. An unarmed Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-hears Jett telling Anna Ayana not to "do this. Anna! Stop! Put it down!" In what has got to be one of the stupidest things I've ever seen on this show [No. Kidding.—Illyria], Jake jumps three stories from the ground below to grab the outside of the fire escape. A laughable trumpetlike sound effect heralds this unlikely feat. For the love of Tom Welling, people, when did Jake turn into Angel? Perhaps this is just a manifestation of his nano-powers, but we've only seen Jake jump vertically like this once before ("The Tech"), and never in broad daylight. Whatever. If Jake is going to be "super," at least play the right sound effects! Kyle runs to the ground-floor door as Jake heaves himself over the edge of the fire escape. In the hostel hallway, Jake runs to room 8 and kicks in the door. Anna Ayana and Jett struggle. Jake peels Jett off Anna Ayana and pushes her to the bed, forcing her to drop the knife. In this episode's only surprise, Jett shouts that she wasn't trying to hurt him. "She couldn't kill me, so she tried to kill... herself," Jett gasps. Jake removes his hand from her throat. Anna Ayana backs away crying. Jett attempts to reassure her, but she emotes, "It's not all right. It's never gonna be all right. It's been going on for 300 years." Talk about bringing baggage to a relationship. "We can't escape it," she sobs. Jett comforts her, as Kyle finally arrives and Jake holds up a hand to show Kyle that they're all alive. Maybe not well, but... Jake says Anna Ayana is right. Neither of them can escape it, but together, they might be able to change it.
Thanks to a lowly computer-technician-turned-superhero, Anna Ayana and King Jett marry and return to Kembu. This is relayed in Hello, Joshua Junior by the ever-present newscast. Warner watches the video of the newlyweds, dressed in camouflage fatigues and black-not-raspberry berets, confidently stride toward their future of trying to regain power in an oil-heavy African nation. "You wanted to see me, ma'am?" Jake asks Warner. She asks him if he knew about "this." He did; he heard it on the radio. Heh. "It's an amazing story, isn't it?" Unbelievable, Warner says, not fooled in the slightest. She adds that Jett might have what it takes to regain his throne. Jake agrees, but thinks the real question is who is the United States going to support. "The winner, of course," Warner evils. She walks in one direction, Jake in another.
Tune in next week, won't you? Guest star Lee Majors calls someone "pretty and tough." Here's hoping he's talking to Kyle.
© deeablo 2003
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