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Jake 2.0 Ep 1.9 - Jake Hears a Hoo-ah
Tuesday, November 18 @ 17:32:13 EST
By Deeablo
"Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot"
Thanks to the freakish windstorm that blew through the Midwest Wednesday night, the Chicago UPN affiliate had quite a few broadcasting snafus. First the picture froze, the sound disappeared, and then the screen went black for a few seconds. These breaks will be indicated by -- ZAP! --
Previously on Jake 2.0: Tuh-tiny robots! Kyle provided the voiceover for the slick previouslies about "the ultimate human upgrade." This week it's Beckett's turn.
Generic Washington, B.C., building. "Hard-driving" guitars indicate that something is afoot. A sweaty gunman wants to speak with the undersecretary. A man who has been shot clutches the wound on his shoulder. Jake and Kyle, both in protective vests, stand behind a wall with other agents. Sweaty Gunman says no one else will get hurt. Kyle says nothing's going to happen unless Sweaty Gunman releases a few hostages. Sweaty Gunman tells Kyle, "Don't play diplomat with me." Hey, isn't that one of Kyle and Jake's special nighttime games? Anyhoo, Sweaty Gunman—who has worked in "this office" for a decade—is "tired of being lied to by the government." Cue the buzzing, pulsing, crackling noise as Jake's super eyesight zihzihzihzihzuh-zoom past the hostage taker to the wall behind him. Jake tells Kyle that another door to the office where Sweaty Gunman holds sway has been patched over. If Jake can get to the office next to door, he can "take him out." Kyle scratches that, saying that snipers will be in place in three minutes. Jake says everyone could be dead in three minutes.
-- ZAP! --
Well, you can't fault Mother Nature's timing. The Sweaty Gunman aims his automatic weapon at hostages on the ground and once again demands to speak with the undersecretary, or "somebody's gonna lose a life." "Kyle!" Jake whines. "No!" Kyle firms. As Kyle tries to talk Sweaty Gunman down, Jake leaves his post against orders. Kyle notices, but it's too late. Sweaty Gunman babbles, "Month after month, I bled for this lying, double-dealing government." The wall breaks and Jake
-- ZAP! --
Hee! The film froze right as Jake busts through the wall and is flying through the air. When the picture returns seven seconds later, Sweaty Gunman is on the floor, the hostages are okay, and Jake looks a bit dusty.
-- ZAP! --
Blue coated agents remove a now handcuffed Sweaty Agent. Kyle looks on as
-- ZAP! --
Missing footage makes recapping a snap! Jake, who is holding his left forearm, approaches Kyle. "Did I or did I not give you a specific order?" Kyle asks Jake. Jake replies, "But Kyle, you told me what happens in your bedroom stays in your bedroom." Okay, not really. But the dressing down Kyle gives Jake can be read that way. "You think you're something special 'cause you've got powers? Well, I've got news for you: you're not. You wait for backup and you follow orders, just like everyone else. It's called discipline." Woo! Discipline! "And it saves lives." Jake tries to defend himself, but Kyle continues. Jake could have used too much strength to break through the wall. Sweaty Gunman's automatic could have had a hair trigger, or he could have been wired for explosives. Jake may have been "enhanced," but that doesn't mean he can't follow the rules. Kyle warns him that someone could get hurt. Jake looks as if he's listened to Kyle, but when he looks down at the cut on his forearm, we see the neato effect of the wound closing and the tiny, tiny robots regenerating Jake's skin.
Fort McClelland Army Base. "Defending the line." What line? Also, this Alabama base was officially closed in 1999. "I didn't go through channels, General. I figured you'd want to know immediately," a camouflaged soldier tells Steven Williams as the two men walk through a hallway. I'm sure most of y'all know Steven Williams as Mr. X of The X-Files, but to me he will always be Captain Adam Fuller of 21 Jump Street. I know I'm showing my advanced years. Shut up! General Fuller says the soldier did the right thing. "Open the vault."
The vault contains four stands that resemble nothing but jellyfish. The soldier says he has been "sole custodian to the Hades-13 tactical mini-nukes." At least that what I think he says; he has some sort of lisp or speech impediment. He goes on to say that there have never been any sort of problem on his watch, but Fuller just wants to know what is wrong. The soldier flips open the clear covers of one of the nukes and engages the bomb, with the clock running down from ten seconds. Fuller what-the-hells, and the soldier tells him, "Just watch the countdown, sir." There's a bit of back and forth before the general pulls a gun and orders the soldier to disengage the explosive. The soldier refuses, and the clock reaches 0.00. Nothing happens, because the device is a decoy. General Fuller disbelieves, "Somebody stole one of my nukes?"
Credits. Jake's voiceover has been removed. I guess life is no longer going to get real interesting. And now there's no escaping the theme song. Help!
NSA hallway. Kyle and Beckett discuss Jake and his "serious discipline problem." Ahem. Beckett wonders if it's a phase, and Kyle worries that it's "permanent enough" if Jake or someone else is killed. "Apparently, there's no 'we' in 'nanite.'" Ha! There's an obligatory James Bond reference, and Beckett tells Kyle there's somebody he needs to meet.
Beckett's office. General Fuller (or Freewald, for those of you who want to know his real name) greets Beckett as "Tankbuster" and tells Kyle that his boss was "the best helicopter driver in the force" during the first Gulf War. "And absolutely lethal with a rocket launcher." Aw, yeah. I'm happy we're finally getting more back story of Beckett and happier still that it proves she's a kick-ass woman. Kyle introduces himself, and Fuller—right in front of Kyle, how rude!— asks if Beckett "trust[s] this man." "Hoo-ah," Beckett responds. Oh, no. I know this "rallying cry" is used to psyche up military groups, but I can only hear the version that Al Pacino scenery chewed in Scent of a Woman. On the plus side, there's an NSA seal in the background. Drink! But don't drink every time you hear "hoo-ah"; PanFandom doesn't want to encourage alcohol poisoning. Says Deeablo as she pours herself a glass of red wine. [Hey, that's good for your heart. Take care of your editor and pass some over.—Illyria] Fuller tells Beckett and Kyle that Fort McClelland serves as a repository for the United States' arsenal of tactical mini-nukes. Fuller explains that one weapon was stolen, but the base is "100 percent secure." It has to be an inside job. Fuller thinks a member (hee!) of the Wolf Pack unit (double hee!) has "turned traitor." Beckett expresses disbelief. Drink to the NSA behind Beckett as she describes the Wolf Pack to Kyle as more than just an elite special ops team: "What they are is a semi-autonomous black ops squad. They do things the U.S. government really isn't supposed to." They get the job done without asking questions. Kyle asks if Fuller has alerted CID. Fuller Public Enemys, "CID is a joke. So is JAG." Well, can't argue with that one, even if David James Elliot is kind of cute. Also, isn't JAG Navy, not Army? Fuller says the job needs to be done "covertly." Any whiff of investigation will send the traitor—with the nuke—running. Fuller knows how these men think; he was in the Wolf Pack. "Before I turned sane." Beckett says she'll help, but Fuller will have to do things her way. Go Beckett! She will use her resources to look for the nuke but she also wants someone on the inside. Fuller is with her; he has already delayed the arrival of a new Wolf Pack recruit. NSA seal. Drink! Blah blah Wolf Pack has highest standards of strength, endurance, and agility blah blah undercover agent must pass muster blah blah. Beckett says she has Fuller's man.
That man grabs small bags of chips from a jar in the lab. Diane takes them away and tells him, "The body is a temple. Even a nanite-enhanced one." Jake asks Diane, "Am I acting like I'm too good to follow orders like everyone else?" Let's review. In "Cater Waiter" Jake disobeyed a direct order from Beckett and stayed behind to rescue Kyle at the Chinese Embassy. Jake was told not to contact the mark in "Arms and the Girl," and even though Theresa made the first move, Jake could have and should have walked away from her. Jake missed his scheduled call-in to headquarters when he impersonated DuMont in "The Good, the Bad, and the Geeky." Jake busted the son of a terrorist out of the NSA's Sparse Modern Plexiglas Confines to trade the prisoner for his brother Jerry. And just last week ("Middleman"), Jake told Sarah—a civilian and a congressional aide investigating diverted moneys that help fund the sooper sekrit nanotechnology—that he was infected with nanites, even though Beckett told Jake in the very first episode that he was not to tell anyone about his new status as a robot receptacle. Beckett threatened his life, for Mike's sake! Diane doesn't answer, and Jake moans, "It's true? I'm becoming that guy?" Diane reassures him that no, he's not "that guy," but she's glad Kyle read Jake the riot act because she wants Jake to be safe. Jake isn't satisfied and starts imitating Kyle by pitching his voice lower and using a finger to pull up an eyebrow. "Jake's grandstanding." Jake switches to the other eyebrow. "Jake's chewing gum. Jake--" "Has a new mission," interrupts Beckett, who has entered the room behind him, along with Kyle. BWA! Beckett leaves behind a folder, and she and Kyle leave. Diane says nothing, but makes a few amused faces as Jake picks up his busted face from the floor.
Beckett's office. Jake tells Beckett he doesn't "do well with teams, or packs, especially in uniform: jocks, frat guys, marching bands. They eat people like me for breakfast." I suggest Jake keep an eye out for rogue tuba players. Beckett asks if Jake is done. He's going to learn how to become a soldier; she has someone who will train him. "Yeah, who's the Yoda-like miracle worker who's gonna make that happen?" Beckett smiles.
Cut to a blindfolded Jake in the gym where he beat up the dummy in "Middleman." He stabs a hanging dummy in the neck before grabbing the dummy from behind and stabbing it in the lower back. Jake pulls off his blindfold and makes a pithy remark. Jake is sweaty in his gray tee, but he looks nowhere near as good as Beckett, who pronounces his exercise as "the most pathetic field kill I have ever seen." Beckett, also a bit sweaty, is wearing tight black pants and a tank top. I might have a bit of a girl crush on her. [Fight you for her. Loser has to hold Sarah's hair back after she goes through a six-pack.—Illyria] "You will never leave your weapon in, on, or around the enemy." She asks Jake if her understands. He yes ma'ams. Beckett reminds him that the correct response is "hoo-ah." "'Hoo-ah' means yes, thank you, please, pass the ammo, and praise the Lord." When in doubt, hoo-ah. Jake Al Pacinos, "HOO-AH!" as Beckett says he doesn't have to shout it every time. Jake is also not to answer questions or inquiries about his past missions or where he was stationed. It will take a lot for the guys to trust him and even if they do, the Wolf Pack doesn't sit around talking about their feelings. Beckett in now wearing those gloves trainers wear when boxers punch their palms. Jake throws a few jabs and says he's not going to open up to "psychopaths." Beckett retorts with a punch of her own and that they're not psychos; the Wolf Pack are "highly competent, connected, and skilled soldiers." NSA seal on the gym floor. Drink! Beckett right-left-lefts Jake as she informs him that they don't have to salute, their hair and uniforms don't need to be regulation, and "they don't have a problem operating in a morally gray area." Jake wonders why Beckett didn't join. Beckett informs him that the Wolf Pack doesn't take women, and the NSA does. Her gloves off, Beckett orders Jake to hit her. He swings with his right hand, and Beckett stops it, grabs hold of his arm, and flips him to the floor. Right on top of the NSA seal. Drink! Beckett hopes Jake doesn't have plans for tonight. He moans.
Fort McClelland. Jake, dressed in various shades of green and carrying an army duffel, approaches an officer yelling at some recruits going through an obstacle course. I like the simple wool cap Jake is wearing; it hides any hair problems. "Sergeant First Class Mitchell Gant, Wolf Pack." The officer, named Carr, immediately stands at attention as the other soldiers look on warily. Jake asks if Carr has to see his papers, but Carr says he and his recruits aren't the Wolf Pack. "They are," he indicates with a sweep of his head. Cue more "hard-driving," "bad-ass" music. Even the film is impressed as it whitewashes and then focuses on a machine gun full of LOTS o' bullets. It's being held by a man in the Wolf Pack, which is led by Badger from Firefly. They advance on Jake in slow motion, all the better to impress us with. Close up on grenades hanging from a belt, dog tags. Badger smokes a cigar. Another member of the Wolf Pack played Jack on the second season of Charmed; hey, if one can survive Shannen Doherty, covert ops must be a piece of cake. A succession of shots reveals that each man has a burn or scar in the shape of a wolf's profile on his inner right forearm. Oh yeah, they're bad. Badger walks up to Jake. Jake, intimidated as hell, involuntarily salutes his new commanding officer. Badger asks for "Gant's" papers. Jake hands them over just as Badger knees him... somewhere. We don't see it, but Jake falls to the ground. General Fuller observes the introduction from afar. Badger growls that if Jake ever gives him up as his C.O.—or salute him in the open—again, he "will exsanguinate" Jake. Oooh, big words. Jake sirs Badger, and Badger tells him to shut up. "The Pack is your mother, and the Pack is your father, Gant. From now on, everything that you need you will get from us." Kyle's gonna be jealous. Badger ask if Jake has what it takes. Jake hoo-ahs, but quietly, and the Wolf Pack moves out. Jack says, "Welcome to hell," as he passes Jake.
NSA. The war room known as Hello, Joshua Junior. Beckett gives the agents the bullet on the Hades-13. She demands that every arms dealer and arms informant to be tracked down and interrogated. Maybe Theresa can give them a list. Beckett also wants all field agents monitoring sales of nuclear equipment. on high alert. She then delivers the groanworthy line, "In God we trust: all others we monitor." She redeems herself by going toward Kyle and saying, "I have a special mission for you." Woo! Wocka chica!
Drums kick in as the Wolf Pack go through various drills. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-sprints to the front of a full-gear run. He uses his tiny, tiny robots first to boost one of the Wolf Pack over the obstacle course wall before jumping to the top himself. The Wolf Pack, including Badger, look reluctantly impressed. The men do push-ups wearing their packs, and Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs to speed up and clap between each push-up. The squad looks over at the new recruit.
Jake, alone in the forest, talks to Diane on his cell phone. He groans that he's never been so tired in his whole life. "The nanites aren't going to burn out or anything, are they?" he worries. Diane smiles, checks her personal personal digital assistant, and informs him that the tiny, tiny robots are fine. Is Jake scared? He doesn't know what is he, but he thinks the Pack is starting to respect him. He's late; Jake hangs up on Diane and heads back to the barracks. On his way, he runs into his team. The men shake his hand and offer compliments (from "you da man" to "USDA choice hard-ass") as Battle Hymn of the Republic-esque music plays in the background. Badger says Jake has impressed every man with his unit. Er, I mean "in this unit." Jake thanks him, and when Badger says good night, Jake is knocked unconscious by one of the Wolf Pack. Oops.
General Fuller is being driven in a military Hummer by a subordinate. Be thankful I didn't make a joke about this. They travel for a while until Fuller says, "Stop the car." He gets out of the vehicle, removes his sunglasses, and looks up. About thirty feet above the ground hangs Jake. The Wolf Pack has stripped him—even of his cute hat—and DUCT TAPED him to the trunk of a tree. He is covered from armpit to butt; his ankles are also taped. Yeouch! That's not the least painful treatment for hair removal, Jake.
Jump! Down on Jump Street. Or to General Fuller's office. Fuller says Jake is lucky he wasn't on an actual mission. Jake, who has a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, removes some tape that is out of sight and winces. Hee! Jake smart-asses that he doesn't consider it lucky to be "tortured all night by a bunch of jingoistic mesomorphs. Sir." Fuller hopes his trust in Beckett hasn't been misplaced. Jake mutters, "You and me both." Fuller shares the story of why Beckett came to be called "Tankbuster." That same stirring patriotic music plays in the background as Fuller reveals that Tank was the name of a man in Beckett's outfit in the Gulf who "had no end of crap to give her. About being black, being female, being attractive. You name it, he had a slur." Beckett tolerated it all until Tank "bugged out" of an firefight sooner than he should have. He left Beckett behind to fend for herself. Tank later went to his C.O. and begged to be relieved of active duty. He spent the rest of the war behind a desk and "never said a mean thing about anybody ever again." No one knows what Beckett did to Tank, but the tale serves as a good example of why one shouldn't get on her bad side. A knock at the door. Someone is here to see Jake. It's Kyle, and he's in uniform. Hoo-ah! Discuss amongst yourselves if you think I'm saying "yes, thank you, please, pass the ammo, or praise the Lord."
Double-wipe. Kyle sits behind a desk as he shares that there hasn't been any sign of a Hades-13 on the arms market. The "most plausible scenario" is that the weapon is still on the base. Jake is wearing a black tee shirt. Kyle tells Jake that the Wolf Pack have field laptops, and Jake will have to go through their duffels, interface with their gear, and copy the communication logs. "Okay," Jake says. "Am I gonna do that before or after the monkeys fly out of my butt?" Bwa! Jake asks Kyle not to send him back to "those guys." Kyle obviouses that if the Hades-13 is detonated, lots of people could die. There are no half-measures; Jake has "to find the discipline and commitment to take this all the way." Cough. "Is that an order?" Jake asks, not looking at Kyle. "Yes," Kyle answers. Cough cough cough. Jake all rights, and then says he needs some nerve gas and a funnel. Kyle looks surprised at this turn in their love game. Is funnel not the safety word?
Forest. The Wolf Pack, led by Jack, is running and cadencing. "I don't know but I've been told / Wolf Pack men don't sing no songs." Not-at-all-clever and grammatically incorrect. My knickers are melting. Jake waits for the men near a barrier. Badger sees him and calls him a "craphound." Snerk. As they get closer, Jake punches Badger in the face. WHACK! "Is that the worst you little sorority bitches can come up with?" Jake snarls. I'm reminded of Sarah. He also calls Badger a woman with "Mongolian goat manure" in his skull. Badger gets Jake in a headlock and takes him down.
Night. Barracks. Jake stands waist-deep in a hole he's digging. Badger walks up to him, passing two or three large holes. Badger wonders who dug all these holes around his barracks. It's dangerous; someone could fall in one and get hurt. "Gant" better fill them up by sunup. Or, as Badger calls him, "little ass clown." Heh. I'm so stealing that. Badger hoo-ahs and leaves as Jack yells, "Lights out in five minutes." Jake looks at the head of his shovel, smiles, and spades it into a dirt pile.
Fade to black. Pan across a few laptops. Jake types at one as Kyle, standing, holds another. He looks at Jake, who whats him. Nothing, Kyle replies, after a look around. "You clocked your C.O. and instead of beating the snot out of you, he made you dig holes?" Jake answers that Badger wanted Jake to know that he was too "retarded" to warrant army-grade punishment. "As you can see, the shame is unbearable," Jake concludes dryly. Heh. Kyle says he will upload the information to Beckett from the main complex. As Kyle walks, we see an unconscious man in the bathroom. he's wearing shorts but also his boots. Kyle turns and
-- ZAP! --
Of COURSE I miss the shot of unconscious half-clad men. Damn you, UPN! ::shakes fist skyward:: Twelve seconds later, Jake says something about "phase one." Kyle, surveying the prone and supine Wolf Pack members scattered on the barracks floor, asks Jake if he knows what he's doing. Jake replies that there is no time to second-guess him; Kyle ordered him to become one of the Wolf Pack, and that's what he's doing. Standing over a dead-to-the-world Badger, Jake grins and says what he's doing next is on a need-to-know-basis. Kyle rues that six hours ago, Jake was asking him to get him out. Now Jake is General Patton? "You gave me a specific order to take this all the way," Jake flares. "I'm taking it all the way." So the bottom becomes the top, y'all. To everything, turn, turn, turn. Also, I liked the fact that the scene started without an obvious shot of the unconscious men. I knew Jake had done something with the nerve gas, but it was nice to not be anvilled with the information.
Same road where Jake was treed. General Fuller and his aide pull to a stop next to the Wolf Pack, each of whom is BURIED IN THE GROUND up to his neck. Bwa ha ha! I laughed so hard the first time I saw this. Fuller shares my reaction. He gets out of the vehicle and chuckles heartily. Later, the Hummer drives away, with the five muddy Wolf Pack soldiers walking behind it. Fuller looks at Jake, who is waiting for his unit (hee! I'll never stop giggling at that one) by the side of the road. "No five-mile run today, gentlemen?" Jake smarms. Badger gets in Jake's face and intones, "Gant. You magnificent bastard." The others erupt in cheers; Jack demands to know how Jake pulled it off. Ahem. Badger doesn't care. If Jake had the "huevos" (eggs?) to do a stunt like this, imagine what he'll do in the field! Badger adds, "You took your beating like a man, and you gave as good as you got." Somewhere Kyle is crying. Jack tells Jake everyone gets tested. It's nothing personal. And now it's time for his initiation. Oh lordy. Sorry about all the phallic jokes this recap, y'all. This testosterone-laced episode must have affected my dirty, dirty mind more than usual.
Chanting "Initiation! Initiation!" the Wolf Pack carries Jake into what connoisseurs call a "titty bar." I once went to a high-end strip club with a former Army Ranger and asked him how it compared with similar establishments. "This is much nicer," he assured me. "No cesarean scars." No, he wasn't kidding. Jake lies supine on the stage as one of the strippers pours Blue Sapphire (gin instead of tequila? Sacrilege!) and tonic into Jake's mouth. He swallows (ahem) and sits up, shaking his head. Woo! The Wolf Pack
-- ZAP! --
Sigh. Badger says something about "shaken, not stirred," and Jake leans his head back into the stripper's bosom, which shakes itself obligingly. Jake smiles, as that's the closest he's gotten to mammaries in years. Badger talks about making "the cub" one of the pack. Jack mentions the "real initiation. Get this off!" as he strips off Jake's jacket. Man, this show is just one giant tease. As techno dance music throbs in the background, two men hold down Jake's right arm as Badger flicks open a knife. He carves the wolf profile as the men yell "suck it up!" to Jake and "carve him up!" to Badger. Bloodsports? Well, we know from Buffy Season Six that UPN doesn't have a Standards and Practices Department. Badger finishes by using the Blue Sapphire to seal the wound. I hear queenofalostart and tangalo screaming in protest over this blatant waste of gin. Jake Lamaze breathes as the Wolf Pack puts their arms in the middle of the table, Jake's on top, and release them in a huddle scream of "HOO-AH!"
Hello, Joshua Junior. Beckett talks to Kyle, whose face is on the big board. The crypto and data analysis has discovered that the traitor in the Wolf Pack has leased a jet that is waiting somewhere in the Florida Keys. SheAgent WhoTheHell hovers in the background. The traitor also bought equipment to handle nuclear material. It looks as if the Hades-13 is on its way out of the United States. Beckett tells Kyle to make the arrest and take the soldier straight to General Fuller. Beckett asks after Jake. Kyle looks down from his post at the upper level of the strip club. Kyle says Jake is "one of them now. We need to get him out of this as soon as possible." Beckett says he'll get out after she gets the traitor and the bomb.
A blonde waitress brings a tray of what I think are tequila shots (Sniff. Czuchry. Sniff.) to the Wolf Pack table. Jack all rights the booze even though the waitress's breasts are less than an inch from his nose. Jake reaches
-- ZAP! --
Grrrr. The men are holding the shots and toasting "to absent friends." "To Aubrey?" Jake asks. Jack tells him not to mention that name, but Badger says that "Gant" should know why he's here.
-- ZAP! --
A close-up of a photograph of a soldier.
-- ZAP! --
"left behind by the Soviets," Badger finishes. Argh! The Wolf Pack was to snatch and grab a biological weapon but they came under fire. Ahem. Aubrey caught some shrapnel, and Fuller gave the order to leave Aubrey behind and not to "jeopardize the bio-weapon." Jake looks disgusted as
-- ZAP! --
"video of Aubrey being torn limb from limb in the streets. One of the Wolf Pack." Speaking of, say! How come I never noticed that cute one with the black hair and light eyes until now? I might just have to rewind. Badger raises his shot glass to toast to "Sergeant Ken Aubrey and General Wesley Freewald.... Let's give acknowledgment to the man who made us dishonor ourselves and our brother." I usually just say, "Cheers, big ears," but whatever works. The men hoo-ah, do their shots, and set the glasses upside down on the table. Jack gets up to go to the men's room. Kyle follows.
Men's room. Jack is at a urinal zipping up. Kyle walks behind him and pulls his gun. I said it last week, and I'll say it again: If this was Queer as Folk, I'd be recapping a very different bathroom scene. As it is, Jack reacts quickly, using one hand to push the gun from Kyle's hand and the other to punch Kyle. Kyle blocks Jack's punch and hits him with a right cross. Jack attempts a backarm sweep, but Kyle ducks, punches Jack in the stomach, and pushes Jack face first into the wall. "Hey, I didn't know she was married," Jack apologizes. Kyle tells him to shut up as he cuffs him. They're going to walk out the back door and Jack is going to tell Fuller everything about the Hades-13. Kyle's "gotta be on the pipe" if he thinks Jack is going to do that. Would Jack rather be revealed to the Wolf Pack as a traitor? Nope.
Jump! General Fuller's office. Kyle "acquitted [him]self quite well" (what did Kyle ever do wrong?), but it's now "a question of honor." Kyle doesn't look as if he quite believes this; after all, the general is loading a gun as Jack stands by with his hands cuffed behind his back. Kyle due respects that the general called the NSA, and Kyle is "not about to leave you alone with a member of an elite assassination unit." Member! Unit! A unit the general used to head (cough), but Fuller lets Kyle stay. Just remember: "What happens in Fort McClelland stays in Fort McClelland." Heh heh heh. Fuller and Jack engage in a pissing match. In antiquity traitors were killed on sight blah blah the bio-weapon was the priority blah blah the man was the priority. "Aubrey did his duty," Fuller snarls. "What do you know about duty?" Jack fires back. Heh. "Duty." The Wolf Pack never left a man behind until Fuller was in charge. Fuller puts his gun at point-blank range to Jack's chest. He has two choices: reveal the location of the Hades-13 nuke or die. Jack chooses option C by headbutting Fuller. Kyle reaches for his sidearm, but Jack kicks it away and then kicks Kyle in the chest across the room. Jack does the nifty trick of jumping through his cuffed arms so his bound hands are now in front of him. He picks up Kyle's gun, aims it at Kyle, and asks for keys to the cuffs. "Please," he adds. Outside shot of Fuller's office as two shots are fired. Whuh oh! Commercials.
Badger drives a truck. Jake is in the passenger seat and listens to Badger spin a yarn about "bodies flailing everywhere." They didn't know which way was up. They couldn't fight their way out; they just had to give in. The punch line? The Wolf Pack was in a Panamanian whorehouse. D'oh! Suddenly Kyle, hands tied behind his back, is thrown in front of the truck. Badger stops short of running him over. The Wolf Pack gets out of the truck, and Badger asks, "Can I help you, officer?" Jack, who enters from the side-of-the-road shadows, says Kyle is a "spook with the NSA." Fuller brought him in to find out about the Hades-13. Kyle says, "You're all in on it. Aren't you?" for Jake. Jack kicks Kyle in the midsection. Ouch. Badger wonders about the general; Jack says his body won't be found until dawn. He's not sorry about killing Fuller. Badger orders the Wolf pack to be ready to "bug out" in twenty; they're moving the Hades-13 out of the country tonight. Badger tells Jack to make sure "this piece of garbage"—Kyle—tells them everything he knows.
Wolf Pack barracks. Bathroom. Kyle is getting worked over. [Again with the difference between a Kyle/Jake scene and a Brian/Justin scene.—Illyria] Jack asks who else knows, but Kyle insists he is working alone. Another punch to the face. Must Jack damage the face? Jack doesn't believe Kyle. Badger concurs, and pulls a gun on Jake. The rest of the pack follows suit. Jake bluffs that Badger followed a bad order (leaving Aubrey behind) but Jake didn't judge Badger when Jake volunteered to serve under him. Cough. One of the Wolf Pack has murdered a general, an agent of the government is bleeding on the floor, and Jake is still "standing here NOT. Judging." I can't look away from Christopher Gorham's mouth in this scene. It's like his lips are made from rubber bands. More posturing on Jake's part until
-- ZAP! --
Badger looks at Jake, hands him his gun, and
-- ZAP! --
Crap! "You kill the man," Badger orders. Jake looks at the gun, then Badger. A close-up of the blood dripping from Kyle's lip as he looks at Jake. Jake points the gun at Kyle. Close-up of Kyle's blinking eyes. Jake fires. The bullet hits Kyle a few inches below the heart. Jake walks to Kyle as Jack whoas, "You've got to finish him off." Jake tells him to shut up and demands the handcuffs. Jake cuffs Kyle's wrists around the sink pipe as he yells for tape. Wolf Pack Cutie tosses a roll to him. Jake evils that Kyle "deserves a slow and painful death" and slaps a piece of tape over Kyle's mouth. If Jack thinks Kyle deserves a soldier's death, well then Jack will have to shoot Kyle himself. Badger agrees with Jake and takes back his gun. He orders the Pack to "gear up." Everyone leaves the bathroom. Jake looks back at Kyle writhing on the floor. He zihzihzihzihzuhs-interfaces with the cell phone clipped to Kyle's belt.
Hello, Joshua Junior. SheAgent WhoTheHell sees the message "FREEWALD MURDERED" on the big screen. She interrupts Beckett and tells her "It's coming from Agent Duarte's field phone." FREEWALD MURDERED appears again, followed by "KYLE SHOT." Beckett immediately demands a fix on Kyle's location. She needs to get on that base. "HADES-13 MOVING" scrolls across the screen as Beckett tells SheAgent to scramble a covert team and get a 'copter to meet her at the helipad with an extra set of body armor. She's handling this herself. Go Beckett!
Forest. The men dig up the mini-nuke as Jake stands guard. Badger tells Jake the Wolf Pack has been "operating under a cloud of shame for too long." This is an opportunity to be part of the team's redemption. The black suitcase (not silver because, hey, black ops) is retrieved and opened. Badger asks Jake if he's ever seen a Hades-13 go off. Jake nos, and Badger tells him that's about to change. Commercials. This episode, while quite entertaining, is oddly paced. The act breaks seem a bit off. Also, we're 49 minutes in (53 with commercials). This is gonna be one short climax and denouement.
Badger walks and talks with Jake. The plane in the Florida Keys will take them to Afghanistan; Badger says they have connections in every village from "here to Karachi." In three days, the men and the Hades-13 will be over the border of Pakistan on its way to the Chaiko Valley (at least that's how the closed captioning spells it). A helicopter will remove the Wolf Pack before the bomb goes off, destroying "every one of those animals that took joy in torturing my brother Aubrey to death." And a bunch of innocent people, too, but that's neither here nor there. Near the truck, a silhouette in a uniform approaches the pack. "Welcome to the party, General." It's Jack, dressed in Fuller uniform. He smiles and
-- ZAP! --
"searches the general's transpo," Badger concludes. God. Dammit! I'm pretty sure Jack is impersonating the general so the Pack can get through channels without being searched, but I can neither confirm nor deny that guess. The Wolf Pack finishes loading the rest of the gear in the back of the truck. Jake stands by the rear as Badger and Jack look over maps near the front. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-pushes a soldier face first into the truck and takes his two guns. The Crap Rock Wolf Pack Theme plays as Jake walks around the back and side of the truck. He demands they put their weapons down and surrender. Jack says he knew it as Badger, Wolf Pack Cutie, and the Other Guy point guns at Jake. Jake declares that the weapon is not leaving the base. Badger disagrees. Wolf Pack Cutie moves toward Jake so Jake shoots him in the knee. Yow. This is such a violent episode. I'm sure the level of violence can be balanced directly with the amount or raging homoerotic subtext. Wait, this is no time for math! Badger decides to stand down and starts to put his gun on the ground. But Jack has a little something up his sleeve. Literally. It's a knife, and he throws it at Jake. The knife knocks the gun from Jake's right hand and pins Jake's hand to a tree trunk. In the confusion, Jake has dropped the gun in his left hand, and the Wolf Pack advances. "Nice throw," Badger compliments Jack. 'You wanna cut his heart out for me?" Jack raises another knife, but a gunshot takes him down. It's Beckett and her team! Woo! Badger goes for his gun and is clocked in the face—with an automatic rifle—for his trouble. Beckett approaches Jake, who pulls the knife from the trunk of the tree and his hand. "Kyle," he gasps. Kyle is alive. Jake thanks Beckett. Beckett kneels over Jack's dead body, and takes the "Freewald" name plate from it. She clutches it in her hand as she looks shuddery.
Washington Monument. National Naval Medical Center. A nurse checks a bag full of tomato juice in an I.V. drip bag. Seriously, if that's what the hospital uses for transfusions, Kyle is in sorry shape indeed. Speaking of, Kyle is unconscious, Jake sits at his bedside, not really looking at anything, as the nurse leaves the room. Kyle's eyes open, and he heys Jake. Christopher Gorham looks as if he is about to start crying any minute. Jake apologizes, and Kyle says, "It was necessary. Proud of you." Aw, he's so drugged up he can't use pronouns! Kyle knows it was tough. Jake agrees, "It was tough. And also way too easy." Kyle is coherent enough to give a pep talk. "We all got that inside, Jake. It's a matter of how we use it." Jake informs Kyle that Beckett told him to smuggle in some beer. Kyle smiles beatifically and sighs, "Love that woman." Hee! Kyle takes a sip, and asks Jake if he's going to be all right. In answer, Jake rolls up his shirtsleeve to reveal his fading Wolf Pack scar. "I heal fast, I guess." Long shot of the two of them and holy god look at that fold in the hospital blanket between Kyle's legs. Hoo-ah!
© deeablo 2003
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