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Jake 2.0 Ep 1.10 - Nobody Does It Better
Wednesday, December 03 @ 02:58:21 EST
By Deeablo
"The Spy Who Really Liked Me"
Sorry about the delay, kids. Especially since this is the "Jake has The Enhanced Sex" episode that the producers promised us last summer.
Previously on Jake 2.0: Beckett did the voiceover work. This week, we're back to Kyle rhapsodizing about "the first computer-enhanced man."
NSA hallways. Jake walks, a man with a mission. Beckett's office. He immediately seethes, "How could you?" He's not really shouting, so he must be really, really mad. Beckett partylines something about a chain of command, but Jake still feels betrayed. Beckett replies that she was following orders. Jake spits, "I promised her she'd be safe!" He gave his word, yo. Beckett whips back that it wasn't his promise to give. I would think this is another Misguided Misdirection teaser, but Beckett don't play that. Two soldiers in berets carrying rifles (the soldiers, not the jaunty French chapeaux, are carrying the rifles) are under orders to bring Beckett and Jake "upstairs."
The smallish war room known as Hello, Joshua Junior. Kyle, talking into a headset, is sure a certain passenger is on a specific flight. It doesn't matter; two more bereted (heh) soldiers enter and stare at Kyle.
Lab. Diane flips open a file folder as two similarly suited soldiers approach her. "Can I help you?" she asks. Heh.
Upstairs. Team Tiny, Tiny Robots—under armed escort—walk into a courtroom. Beckett tells Jake this is an "emergency board of inquiry," which is similar to a trial. "But worse," Kyle adds under his breath. NSA seal. I would tell y'all to drink, but this episode is lousy with NSA seals. Seriously, that would be too much alcohol even for Illyria. [I say we go with fruity mixed drinks this week, for our livers' health.—Illyria] I will only mention them if they are used in segues. The room is quite large, perhaps even bigger than the whole of Hello, Joshua Junior. Three people (one of who is Beckett's boss, Chief Director Skerrit) sit at a long, curved table at the front of the room. Beckett, Jake, Kyle, and Diane are led to a parallel table. There is a big screen to the left of the "judges"; it too has an NSA seal. (See what I mean?) It's a closed inquiry; there are no spectators. Skerrit greets each person by name. The board has been "convened to decide the future of [the] special ops unit." Beckett starts to say that they should have been notified, but the other man on the panel actually interrupts her—oh no he di'int!—and says the board is under no obligation to inform them of anything. Across a pan of Diane, Beckett, Jake, and Kyle, Skerrit tells the group that there has been enormous pressure to justify Jake's behavior of the past few days. "This isn't a witch hunt," he assures Beckett. They only want the truth. Insert your own A Few Good Men joke here. The time is 8:47, and the only woman on the panel calls the hearing to order. She tells Team Tiny, Tiny Robots to sit. They do.
Skerrit exposits, "Six years ago, NSA began working on Project Free Target [not "Project Retarded," which is what I heard the first time], exploring the use of nanites." NSA seal. Tiny, tiny robots blah blah lab accident "resulted in the premature introduction" to a human subject blah blah new special ops team with Jake Foley at its core. Doesn't the opening montage cover most of this? Note: Skerrit's first name is James. Panel Man (we haven't seen his nameplate yet) says that since its formation, the team's results have been "uneven." Panel Woman (we never do get her name) tells the group that the inquiry isn't about technology. She exposits about Jake's "very impressive" superhuman abilities. Panel Man interjects that the program was designed for a trained agent used to following orders. I listed the times Jake has bucked authority—and I'm not talking about Kyle—in last week's recap, if any of y'all need a refresher. However, "recently, and most egregiously," Jake refused to execute an enemy of the state. You mean he could have killed Will Smith and didn't? Oh, sorry. The enemy is Laura Harris, who most of y'all might recognize as Marie Warner from 24 Season Two but whom I remember from The Faculty. She's blonde and pretty; is that why Jake also helped her in an assassination attempt on a foreign official? We know Jake likes the blonde girls (more the fool he). Beckett stands and asks about the possible outcomes of the inquiry. Skerrit says that either the board is satisfied with their explanations, or "we terminate the program." Dun dun dunnnnn!
Credits. Still hate the theme song. [It is not a theme song. It is a random grouping of notes.—Illyria]
NSA seal. Upstairs. Since the inquiry isn't a trial in the formal sense, none of Team Tiny, Tiny Robots gets lawyers. Beckett is asked to state her name for the record and what happened "regarding this operation starting November 17." Beckett does so; we see a quick shot of the court reporter. There was a break-in the Densmore Research Facility in Alexandria, Virginia. We see someone in a white lab coat beating a guard. This person then holds up the unconscious guard and pries open his eye for a retinal scan, which opens a door. The guard is then thrown to the floor none too gently. As if we had any doubt about who the thief was, the camera lingers on Blonde Baddie's face as she enters the door marked "RESTRICTED ACCESS ONLY: BIOHAZARD MATERIALS BEYOND THIS POINT." Man, her hair is white-blonde fried. Segue back to Upstairs, as Beckett finishes that the intruder stole three canisters of "a controlled substance." Skerrit thanks her. Jake starts to ask Beckett a question, but Nosy Panel Man snides that if Jake has a question for the board that he address them directly. But first he has to identify himself for the record. "Agent Jake Foley: the human subject with millions of tiny robots inside." That, my friends, is a frelling shout-out. Hoo-ah! And funny too. Hee. Jake wants the board to know that the stolen substance was Varcon gas. Nosy Panel Man tells the court reporter to stop the record. Skerrit warns Jake that the inquiry is about his actions in the field, not the Varcon gas. Jake insists that the two are related. Nosy Panel Man takes off his glasses as he strongly cautions Jake to not bring up the subject of Varcon gas again. He tells the court reporter to strike Jake's comments from the official record. Jake looks peeved. Panel Woman asks Jake to talk about his "personal involvement in the case," and to take it from the top. Cough. Cough cough cough. Jake guesses that it all started with an urgent phone call from his "immediate supervisor," Kyle.
Restaurant. Jake enters, and tells Kyle he "got there as fast as [he] could. What do you need?" "You," Kyle answers. Jake/Kyle (Jyle? Kake?) 'shippers—all five of them—rejoice. Kyle is wearing a brown button-down shirt with the first two buttons undone, and I'm glad to see that he has escaped the requisite Mutant Enemy man chain that Boreanaz and Marsters occasionally sport around their... necks. Anyway, Kyle has been seeing this girl, Megan Riley. Hold it. Back up. Kyle is cheating on Jake? More importantly, Kyle is cheating on me? With a blonde? Will there never be a little sumpin' sumpin' with a tall redheaded woman? Perhaps named Deeablo? (Talk about a shout-out.) Actually, Megan is fairly attractive and not at all insipid, even if her legs can never compare with mine. Megan's sister is in town for a few days, and... Jake immediately tries to talk his way out of it. Kyle says the sister is cute and Jake only has to entertain her for an hour or so. Jake refuses, and then he sees her standing next to Megan. Yep, she's blonde, so of course Jake says, "Anything I can do to help a friend out of a jam."
Kyle and Megan hold hands and smile at each other at one table, and Jake tries to talk with Megan's sister at another. Apparently she really likes the daiquiris. Janet—for that is her name-- asks Jake how he can "go out there every day" without knowing if he's ever coming back. Jake tells her that he works in the tech department, so he comes back every morning... except weekends. Janet whisper-giggles (whisgles?), "Hush, hush. On the QT." Who is she, Danny DeVito? More stupid banter, and then Janet gets serious. She runs her foot up Jake's leg, and he stammers that it's late. She says it's only 9:30, and then actually says, "C'mere, you!" before she grabs Jake, kisses him, and pulls him off his stool onto the floor. He lands hard on his back, and he thinks he might have chipped a tooth. Janet asks to go back to his place. "Agent Foley!" a voice interrupts.
Upstairs. The board members (hee hee—"members"—hee hee) look at Jake, who defenses, "You told me to start from the top." Of the mission, you goofball. Right. "After heretofore described events at the bar"—BWA!—Kyle got a call from sat ops requiring Jake and Kyle to get to headquarters immediately.
Hello, Joshua Junior. And hello, SheAgent WhoTheHell. Look, I know her character name is listed on IMDB and other places, but for the love of Tom Welling, won't someone on the show itself please call this woman by her name? Beckett tells her team about the three missing vials of nitrous Varcon, which were stolen at exactly 19:30 hours. Varcon is "the deadliest V-series nerve agent on the planet." Jake sighs, and Beckett whats. Jake didn't think the United States made biological weapons. Beckett answers, "We don't. Varcon has officially never been produced or tested in this country, never will be. Understood?" SheAgent WhoTheHell asks if the guard can identify his attacker. Nope. There is some audio feed from the break-in; a faint tinkly sound, sort of like wind chimes. It's not a lot to go on, but when the intruder is found, "executive order obtains." Kyle explains it to Jake: "Shoot to kill." "We can do that?" Jake asks. Kyle says if the president orders it they can. Great, just great. Now I'm reminded of Dubya. Thanks for nothing, Greenwalt! Beckett tells Kyle of a possible buyer in Santa Costa. The rebels? That's what Beckett wants Kyle to find out. "Can I come?" asks Jake.
Upstairs. Nosy Panel Man says Jake's unique skills had no bearing on this case. Why did Beckett risk agents and the NSA's nanotechnology investment by sending Jake with Kyle? "Jake isn't an appliance." Go Beckett! Jake looks at his boss as she explains that Jake is being trained as an advanced field agent. He goes on assignments. Also? Any other agent would have died during Jake's mission. Nosy Panel Man retorts that any other agent wouldn't have compromised the assignment so badly. Panel Woman intercedes, telling "Mr. Jennings" to "ease off." Panel Woman speaks directly to Diane. Diane identifies herself as "the scientist in charge of the nanotechnology program. I took over from Dr. Gage. He was... well, he was shot. He died." Heh. Panel Woman says part of Diane's job is "preparing" Jake for his field missions; the board wants to know what happened during Jake's examination before he went to Santa Costa. The camera zooms on a panicked Jake, who looks at Diane. She returns his look before saying she was giving him a few shots.
Lab. Diane smiles at a barechested Jake. She tells him she heard about his "hot date" as she sticks a needle in his upper arm. He wants to know what Kyle said. Diane demurs that she just heard Janet was a wee bit aggressive. "I've had people shooting at me and been less afraid," Jake wrys. Diane says he should feel flattered, albeit in a weird way. "Diane, listen," Jake begins. How can she listen to him when he's sitting there shirtless in black pants? He has a doctor-patient question, but he feels weird. He's never had a female doctor before. "Do you have a rash?" Diane wrinkles her nose. HA! Jake is offended, but eventually asks Diane. If he ever had a (blonde) woman come home with him, "Is it safe?" Yikes! Am I the only one who immediately thought of Marathon Man? Probably. Diane starts babbling about condoms until Jake corrects her (but not in a The Shining way). Diane tells him that she can say with "some degree of certainty" that the likelihood of nanite transference is low enough for the risk to be considered nonexistent. Jake uh-huhs and then adds that means he "can have sex, right?" Diane needs to run some tests to make sure. Jake puts on his shirt as Diane hands him a cup. Jake makes what would be a lame joke about not being thirsty, but the cup Diane gave him is much larger than a usual sample jar. It's the kind of cup used at keggers that can't afford Solo products. Speaking of going solo, fill 'er up, Jake! Do I need to tell any of you that Diane will be testing Jake's semen? I mean, none of you are so stupid as to think that Jake was going to hand over a cup of urine or something, yeah? I didn't think so; PanFandom readers are some smart peeps, yo. As Jake goes off for some private time, Kyle walks in the lab and asks Diane, "What's Jake up to?" Diane laughs.
Upstairs, Diane once again looks at Jake. She ums. Suddenly Kyle is giving his name and rank. So did Diane tell the board about Jake's desire to know about The Sex, or did she keep that part of the examination confidential? Kyle, who thinks that Jake was an asset to the mission, shows off his bilingual side as he pronounces "Santa Costa" like a native. Rowr! He and Jake made contact with the local agents and two hours later, the alleged buyer and seller were in their sights. The footage in all of the "Santa Costa" scenes is heavily bleached out. Yes, even more so than Blonde Baddie's hair. I think it's supposed to represent the bright sunlight of Latin America, but it's more distracting than anything else. Just what this production needs—a place whiter than Washington, B.C. A male Latino and a Caucasian woman are meeting at an apartment in the market district. The camera speeds up and slows down throughout the marketplace. Kyle and Jake sit in a car. Jake wonders why the travel brochures never mention monsoons. Kyle smiles, and holy god is he wearing a leather jacket? Jake sees something, and the buzzing, pulsing, crackling noise of zihzihzihzihzuh kicks in as we zoom through the crowd. We see the Latino man's face (although the film is so bleached out that he doesn't look Hispanic) and the back of a blonde woman's head. Jake identifies the couple, and Kyle speaks Spanish into a walkie-talkie. Rowr, part two. Kyle puts the car in gear to follow the couple, but a VW van cuts them off. Jake gets out of the car and runs through the marketplace after the suspects. After a bit of a delay Kyle follows, and I see that my request to the costume department requesting that Kyle wear jeans more often has been answered. They also apparently read my mind about tight tee-shirts and yes, Virginia, that is a leather jacket. Rowr, part three. And Merry Christmas.
Black boots of the blonde woman walking with the whitest Latino man ever. Chase chase run run. Jake sprawls over the roof of a car and runs into a male blonde extra with a tub of water. Jake apologizes as he continues his pursuit. He looks around, and decides to take to the rooftops. At the top of the ladder, Jake runs on the same roof used in the simulator in "Training Day" (at least it's not the same footage). Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs off the roof and lands in front of the suspects with his gun drawn. "Don't move!" he barks. Of course, this blonde woman is not Blonde Baddie; the real Blonde Baddie is lurking in a corridor by the marketplace.
One of the local agents shows Kyle the three vials recovered from the suspects' apartment. Kyle speaks Spanish again, and we temporarily switch to subtitles. Varcon recovered, suspects in custody, mission accomplished. OR IS IT? Kyle suggests that Jake go back to the hotel; Kyle will talk to the suspects and contact Jake when he knows something. Jake claims his jet lag is gone and he is "pumped," but the next shot is him asleep on a hotel bed. Can a person really get jet lag from traveling from D.C. (or Vancouver) to Central America? It's not as if he and Kyle crossed the International Date Line or anything. Jake's cell phone wakes him. It's Diane, and she's got news. Jake is "good to go." Or, in more scientific terms, he "can have sexual relations without fear of interhominid cross-transference." Jake does a hilarious fist pumping, leg kicking victory nondance while seated on the bed. Hee! As Diane says that it's important to wait for the right girl, Jake looks at his watch and nods eagerly even though she obviously can't see him. He assures her that it's not as if he's going to pick up the first girls he sees.
Hotel bar that night. No worries about the bleached out footage as the sun is gone. Spanish rap underscores the scene as Jake approaches two girls (that's kind of ambitious, Jake; maybe you shouldn't start with a threesome, no matter how "enhanced" you are) with, "Buenas noches." The women leave without a word. "Adios," he mumbles. Jake sits at the bar and looks into the mirror behind it. "You are one super stud," he tells himself. "Mind if I join you?" Blonde Baddie asks. She says he can tell her to get lost if he wants, but he says that's his line. She introduces herself as Angela Wright and as she shakes Jake's hand, we hear a faint tinkly sound, sort of like wind chimes. Commercials.
NSA seal. Upstairs. Close-up of photographs and intel on Blonde Baddie. Jennings asks if this is the woman that Jake "picked up." Jake is affronted, and Jennings changes his query to "began a relationship with" and adds "in the middle of your mission." Jake protests that he thought the mission was over. Jennings snarks that Jake claims he didn't know that Blonde Baddie was the enemy with the stolen goods. Jake declares that he didn't "claim" anything; he honestly didn't know that the woman in the bar was the suspect in the Varcon theft. What did Jake know about her?
"You're double-jointed?" he asks Blonde Baddie at the bar. "So am I!" Blonde Baddie says they should get married. They've obviously been enjoying a few tequila shots. (Lower your heads in memory of Czuchry.) Jake lists the things they have in common—after a drunken pause. They're both in sales, they both went to university on the East Coast, and they've both met Katie Couric. "Well, I saw her," Jake clarifies. Christopher Gorham's delivery is priceless. Blonde Baddie and Jake exchange the pertinent info: neither one has a girlfriend, a boyfriend (somewhere Kyle is weeping), or a spouse. Jake says there's one more question. After the waitress delivers two more shots, he asks it. Why did Blonde Baddie approach him tonight? She lobbies, "You have a nice face. It's very trustworthy." As trustworthy as what's in his pants? He thanks her and they down the shots. Around a mouthful of lime, he says he get "it" from his mom's side. "The bedroom eyes from dad," Blonde Baddie volleys. Jake finally realizes that this girl is a sure thing. He fumbles with the room invite and even says she can slap him in the face, but of course she says yes. Actually, her exact words are, "I didn't say no."
Then The Robot Sex occurred.
Oh, you want details? Fine. Horndogs. And I say that with great affection. Jake's room. Spicy music featuring castanets and horns plays. Jake and Blonde Baddie start with her slamming him up against a table next to a wall. Crockery breaks on the floor. She pulls and he pushes her across the room to the bed. There's a nice shot of their feet here (Jake kicks off his shoes as he stumbles) as they engage in the most passionate dance of them all: the cotton-eyed Joe. They continue kissing but move their bodies away from each other to take off their clothes. I did not shriek when Jake removes his shirt to reveal a wifebeater and a yummy-looking shoulder. Wait, that's not the bed, that's the TV. They continue kiss-stumbling and fall to the floor in front of the bed. When they reappear in the frame, Jake is shirtless and Blonde Baddie is bra-ed. Unfortunately, Jake has to gasp the line, "You really are double-jointed." He picks her up. She "woos!" before he sets her on a table. More kissage; Jake picks her up again and in an interesting and probably unintentional detail, Jake has a flower from a vase in his hands as he takes Blonde Baddie to the bed. "OlÈ olÈ!" [or maybe Oh, lay! Oh, lay"?] the chorus croons as the couple continues to travel down the fornication highway. Red light from the hotel sign. Jake turns off the table lamp by pushing it to the floor. It breaks. More rolling around, and the scene fades to... red.
Upstairs. Panel Woman states that Blonde Baddie came back to Jake's room. He agrees. Panel Woman adds, "And you had NSA hardware which, if breached, could have compromised your mission." Hell, Blonde Baddie already breached Jake's NSA hardware. Didn't they see the sex scene? Jake throws up his hands. Kyle stands up and defends Jake, saying Jake thought the mission was over. Skerrit tells Kyle to sit down, and Panel Woman wants to know the point. Kyle tells her the point was that Jake had no idea their assignment was unraveling.
Interrogation room. Kyle questions the Latino man, who protests his innocence. Upstairs. Long story short, the apartment was rented for an affair (the man's first one) and Kyle looks damn lickable in a brown tee-shirt. Oh, and the substance in the three recovered vials was not Varcon gas after all. Kyle calls Beckett to give her the updated information, and Kyle then tries to contact Jake. He couldn't reach him.
Cut to Jake asleep in bed. The camera zooms us to the other room of the hotel suite, where Blonde Baddie opens Jake's laptop. Her bracelet makes a faint tinkly sound, sort of like wind chimes. You don't think... Jake, now sitting up and awake, zihzihzihzihzuh-listens. A close-up on her bracelet, a helpful flashback to the audio feed from earlier in the episode, and the fact that the audience has known SINCE THE BEGINNING that Blonde Baddie is, well, bad (we saw her after she beat up that guard, for cry yi) makes this sequence completely unnecessary. Bah. All is forgiven, though, because Christopher Gorham, bathed in red light from the outdoor neon sign, gets out of bed. He's wearing black boxers and his stomach sort of scrunches as he sneaks... Gah. What? Hello? Ahem. [At this point, I have to say that you've gone past what the—admittedly sexy—episode warrants, and would like to ask for your Thanksgiving recipes. They must be great.—Illyria] Jake picks up his phone and calls Kyle. Kyle answers and tells Jake he's been trying to reach him. Jake, who is pulling on a shirt—boo! well, at least it's not pants—whispers that there's a woman in his room. Kyle goodforyous, but Jake explains that his isn't a typical post-coital bragging call. Blonde Baddie is the one who stole the vials. Kyle tells him to stall her; he'll be there in 15 minutes. Jake, pulling on his pants (damn) says it's too late. Kyle tells Jake that the recovered Varcon gas was fake. Jake has a shoot-to kill order. "Enforce it," Kyle demands.
I think my brain is broken.
Blonde Baddie closes the laptop and, bracelet chiming, picks up her bag and heads for the door. Jake tells her she has something of his. His NSA hardware? He points a gun at her. She turns around and starts to offer excuses. He tells her to put "the handbag" down. Jake gets too close, and Blonde Baddie swings the bag and knocks the gun out of Jake's hand. She then wraps the bag around the back of Jake's neck to bring him closer. She kicks him in the chest and he flies across the room into a chair, which falls over. Nice. They engage in hand to hand, and Jake throws her against a wall, but not in a passionate, Robot Sex kind of way. On her feet, she glances at nothing to throw Jake off, then slides across the floor to retrieve her gun from her bag, just as Jake recovers his. They point the pistol at each other. It's a Mexican (or Santa Costan) standoff. "Don't shoot"s are exchanged. Blonde Baddie claims to be CIA; she's going to show Jake her I.D. She tosses it across the room and claims they're after the same thing. He doubts it and checks her credentials. Her name is Angela Hamilton, and in the paradox that is the government (or a rush job in the prop department) the photograph shows Angela with blonde hair but the badge itself says her hair is "BLK." She's also 5'4" and 105 pounds? Girl, eat a cheeseburger. Or seven. For some reason, Jake is upset that Blonde Baddie lied about her last name. Way to go with the priorities there, slick. She says she's an intelligence officer; she's sure his name isn't Jake Foley. Sigh. Blonde Baddie puts down her gun after Jake refuses to surrender his weapon. He kicks away her pistol and reveals that he's NSA. He wants to know why she was on his laptop. She replies that no real watch salesman (his cover story, apparently) "would be caught dead wearing that?" Close-up on a digital watch with a calculator, an "illuminator," and a light. What's the difference between an illuminator and a light? She just wanted to find out who he really was. Blonde Baddie finally convinces Jake to put down his gun, saying they'll figure this out. She immediately takes him out with hits to the knee and the face. Jake is prone and unconscious on the floor. "Thank you," she says as she leaves. Commercials.
NSA seal. Upstairs. For those of y'all just joining the episode, Jennings asks Kyle, for the record, if Jake "simply ignored" Kyle's order to kill a rogue agent. After a glance at Jake, Kyle confirms this but adds that he's not going to say that the mission was a complete failure. Jennings notes Kyle's opinion, then demands that Kyle "regale us with some facts."
Kyle's narration claims that he arrived at Jake's room shortly after Jake's "altercation" with Blonde Baddie. However, the sun must have risen in that short amount of time because the flashback footage is once again washed-out white. Kyle, gun drawn, searches the rooms but finds nothing. He calls Beckett. "We have a problem."
Cut to a truck on a rural road. Blonde Baddie talks to a colonel on her cell phone. She expects "80 apiece" for the three canisters of Varcon. The general hopes she "takes dollars." Blonde Baddie retorts that's all she'll take and hangs up. The camera pan down from the windshield reveals Jake hanging on to the underside of the vehicle as if he's Bob DeNiro in Cape Fear. Or Sideshow Bob.
Upstairs. Panel Woman asks Jake how long he held on. He guesses two, maybe two-and-a-half hours. "Very impressive," she replies. Jennings covers his microphone and murmurs, "Imagine that power in the hands of in a properly trained agent" to Skerrit. Jake busts him. "Nanohearing," he brats, and uses his hand to wiggle his left ear. In the background, Diane stifles a laugh.
Welcome to the Santa Costa jungle. We got Blonde Baddie and Varcon gas. She walks to the back of the truck (license plate WLD 081) to double-check her merchandise. Three vials of deadly gas? Yep. She hears the click of a safety being turned off and turns. It's Jake, and he's pointing his gun at her. She's amazed, but this time Jake isn't taking any chances. He tells her to keep her back turned. He takes the bag with the vials and her gun. Jake says he knows she is the one who planted the fake Varcon and came to Jake's room to see if the NSA "bought it." She confesses, and turns to face him even though he keeps telling her to turn around. Every now and then he gets a little bit restless and he dreams of something wild. Blonde Baddie looks at Jake and drolls that she knows about the shoot-to-kill order and that it's hard to shoot someone "you know. Intimately." Jake wants to know why she's selling the Varcon to the rebels. She's not; she's selling it to the government. The United States no longer sells the gas, so she will. Varcon and Varcon accessories?
Upstairs. Skerrit again warns Jake about mentioning the sale, production, and use of Varcon in the good old U.S. of A. Panel Woman breaks it down further. "For a government employee to intimate that our government would do such a thing is considered treason." Gulp. Jake understands, and continues. "The gas that the United States government would never manufacture, the same gas that the United States government would never dream of selling to a client-state" is the same gas that killed Blonde Baddie's sister, Jessica.
Back in the jungle, Blonde Baddie describes Jessica, who had just graduated from Penn. Jessica was going to be a speech therapist, but first she and a friend wanted to backpack through Central America. They stopped on the Santa Costa costa... I mean, Santa Costa coast in a little town called Golfito. Okay, so they go to the trouble using a fake name for a nation but use a real Costan Rican town? Sloppy. It was a rebel stronghold. One minute they're eating lunch, the next minute they're dead. The United States never did or said anything about the man who gassed the entire village. Blonde NowNotSoBaddie plays with her bracelet during this entire story. The man responsible was Colonel Enrique Alonzo, head of the Santa Costa Revolutionary Guard ("army talk for death squad"). Jake says the NSA can bring him in, but Blonde NowNotSoBaddie has been trying to convince the CIA to do just that for almost three years. When she knew her bosses would not bother with Alonzo, she left the agency. "Now you're selling Varcon to the people who killed your sister?" Jake asks. Jeez, man, keep up! Yet somehow Jake realizes that Blonde NowNotSoBaddie is going to kill the colonel with the gas. A truck of soldiers approaches as Jake tells Blonde NowNotSoBaddie that it's "suicide. But you already knew that." She thanks him for a "perfect last night." The cover story: Jake is the partner who helped her steal the vials. He'll wait for her outside the mobile lab.
Outside a trailer, Jake checks his watch as he walks by a guard so still at first I thought it was a mannequin. Inside, a man tests the gas in a sealed box as Blonde NowNotSoBaddie watches. The scientist removes the vial from the box and smiles. It's Varcon. Outside, Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-eavesdrops and hears a lackey asking for the other two vials. Blonde NowNotSoBaddie claims her deal was to deliver the rest of the gas to Alonzo herself. In Spanish, the lackey tells another soldier to "Take her outside and kill her." Unfortunately for him, Jake knows a little EspaÒol. Continuity! Are you still off the sauce? Way to go! Jake beats down the mannequin soldier and enters the trailer. Blonde NowNotSoBaddie holds her own, punching another soldier in the face. Jake kicks a soldier into the table, and the instruments on it shatter. The vial of Varcon falls to the floor and breaks. Oops. Jake throws a gas mask to Blonde NowNotSoBaddie as he continues punching his way out. The soldiers bleed from the eyes, nose, and mouth as the gas takes effect. Pretty. One of them dies a Shakespearean death by stumbling, screaming, bending backwards in half on top of a table, and breaking the remaining vials and beakers on the table before falling to the floor. Close-up, and he has just enough strength to spit out a mouthful of blood. Nice.
Outside, Jake is writhing on the ground. He didn't have a mask of his own and the Varcon is poisoning him. Blonde NowNotSoBaddie tells him she's going to perform a tracheotomy so he can breathe. She tells him not to worry, she's done this before, as she raises her SWISS ARMY KNIFE in preparation for the impromptu surgery. Yikes! A zoom into Jake's interior shows the tiny, tiny robots hard at work, and Jake stops Blonde NowNotSoBaddie from puncturing his throat. Gasping, he says he's "better." Blonde NowNotSoBaddie looks on in amazement. Commercials.
Upstairs. Beckett testifies that she continued to monitor the mission. Skerrit inquires if she ever felt that she lost control. "No. Fieldwork is not an exact science." Good answer, Beckett! Blah blah missions take on a life of their own blah blah variables come into play blah blah. Jennings wonders if Jake's involvement in the murders of several U.S.-allied soldiers qualifies as a mere "variable." Beckett steadies that Jake "was pressed into a difficult and ethically challenging situation." As soon as the NSA heard about the deaths, Beckett dispatched Kyle to extract Jake and to finish the mission as directed by Beckett's superiors.
Santa Costa. The Varconed bodies are covered up. Alonzo, a bearded man, looks at the dead and gives order to find the girl and her friend.
In the truck, Blonde NowNotSoBaddie asks Jake, "What the hell are you?" Jake, still gasping for breath, says he's an NSA agent. She didn't ask who, she asked what. No one can survive exposure to Varcon gas. For once, Jake doesn't spill the tuh-tiny robots story to a blonde woman he's kissed. He asks for the other two vials, but Blonde NowNotSoBaddie refuses to hand them over. Alonzo's not dead yet. Jake says he works with a special ops team that will do anything he asks, including bring Alonzo in. Blonde NowNotSoBaddie doesn't believe him. Jake gives his word. He adds that if she tries to find Alonzo on her own, he'll vanish, and he'll get away with murder. Jake notices the makes-a-faint-tinkly-sound-sort-of-like-wind-chimes bracelet and asks if it was Jessica's. It was. Blonde NowNotSoBaddie launches into a monologue about her sister. Laura Harris delivers the lines well, but before we can get too maudlin, Blonde NowNotSoBaddie and Jake hit a road block. Soldiers with machine guns motion Jake and Blonde NowNotSoBaddie out of the truck. Alonzo says, "Hands in the air." Jake follows instructions, and the colonel (and everyone else too) sees that Jake holds a vial of Varcon in each hand. If anyone shoots Jake, everyone else will be dead in ten seconds. Alonzo thinks Jake is bluffing, but Blonde NowNotSoBaddie assures him Jake is not. She points her own gun at the man who killed her sister, and the soldiers put down their weapons. Blonde NowNotSoBaddie asks Alonzo if he knows who she is. He doesn't. She moves to point blank range; the gun touches his chest. In a nice shot, we see the gun and Jessica's bracelet as Blonde NowNotSoBaddie lists a few of the innocent victims Alonzo and his soldiers have killed by using Varcon gas. Alonzo snarls he is not afraid to die. "We'll see about that," Blonde NowNotSoBaddie whispers. The music crescendos, the film slows down, and Blonde NowNotSoBaddie pulls the trigger on and empty chamber. Dry click. Jake closes his eyes in relief.
Behind Blonde NowNotSoBaddie's truck, Kyle and other agents arrive. He takes her gun as an agent relieves Jake of the Varcon vials. They go in a shiny silver briefcase, natch. Jake starts to talk to Kyle, but Kyle waves him aside as he confers with Alonzo. Uh oh. Jake tells the men handcuffing Blonde NowNotSoBaddie that it's not necessary. Kyle looks down at the ground as Alonzo points to the woman who almost killed him. Kyle nods, and with one hand gesture, Blonde NowNotSoBaddie is given over to the man who she hates most. Jake tries to stop it and tells Kyle that he promised Blonde NowNotSoBaddie that Jake and the NSA would help her. Kyle snaps, "It's their country, okay? Lou had to pull strings just to get you out alive." Jake yells, "She trusted me, dammit!" It's out of their hands. Jake looks at Blonde NowNotSoBaddie being driven off in a truck with the license plate JAK 020. Ha! Props to the props department!
Upstairs. Kyle maintains he was forced to hand over an American citizen to a nation with "an abominable human rights record." He suspects she's rotting in a cell even as the country she once proudly served ignores her existence. Ouch. Kyle sits. Jennings says they're done. Panel Woman explains the board will review the evidence and return with a decision as soon as possible. Until then, Team Tiny, Tiny Robots is on desk duty, Skerrit adds, and they will all be carefully monitored. He is sure they understand. Jake doesn't and wants to say something. Jennings thinks Jake has said enough. Jake disagrees. "This isn't about our field performance. This is about you finding a scapegoat." Skerrit warns Jake that he is out of line. "Because I'm not afraid of the truth? That we helped kill American citizens? That we abandoned [Blonde NowNotSoBaddie]? That we sold Varcon to Santa Costa, and you hypocrites can't even bring yourselves to say the word?" Jennings tells the guards to escort Jake to a cell.
Showtime. The camera zooms from Jake to the court reporter's computer as Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-interfaces with the machine. The large screen on the wall goes white, and Panel Woman asks what is going on. An onscreen box indicates that the court record is being uploaded to a server. Jake looks at Skerrit and demands that he tell the guards to stand down. Skerrit waves a finger. The transcripts of the hearing are now on a server. If Jake blinks, "everything that has been said here today will be e-mailed to the AP wire." Hot damn! Diane and Beckett look proud. Jake threatens, "If you want to shut us down, send me off to be a lab rat for the rest of my life, be my guest. But [Blonde NowNotSoBaddie] is walking out of that prison. Or else." Kyle looks a bit puffed with pride himself. Beckett stands and tells the board "this might be an excellent time for you to reevaluate your perception of my team." Jennings starts blustering about blackmail, but Panel Woman tells "Miles" to sit down. Panel Woman sees Beckett's point, and after the testimony given today, the board shouldn't rush to judge. Skerrit rumbles, "This is an unorthodox unit." Hee hee—"unit"—hee hee! Oh, that can't be measured by traditional methods. The meeting is closed. Jake's bluff worked, and Team Tiny, Tiny Robots is dismissed.
NSA hallway. Diane asks if they're free. For the time being, Beckett says. Diane wants a cup of tea, or maybe something stronger. "Are we allowed to drink on duty?" "No, but we're gonna start," Beckett tells her. Whee! Kyle wonders if Jake would have sent the transcript. Sure, if the e-mail addy Jake made up actually belonged to someone. Heh.
Upstairs. "Leave us," Panel Woman orders the court reporter and the guards. They do so. Jennings mutters, "Spineless." "Excuse me?" Panel Woman inquires. "No. I don't" Jennings bitches. What does it say about the board that they let off Jake and the rest of Team Tiny, Tiny Robots? Panel Woman replies that it only means that the situation was handled "ineptly." "If you ever speak to me in that tone of voice again, I'll cut your tongue out. [Pause] I'm not being figurative." Panel Woman turns to Skerrit. She says Beckett is an admirable woman, and she knows Skerrit promoted her. If Beckett fails, so does Skerrit. Yee-ouch! This woman is freakin' TOUGH! She says that Jake Foley is a different matter. "Did you see the way he stood up to us?" That's a soldier." True, I'm not a military expert, but I thought the a soldier's job was to FOLLOW ORDERS, which Jake didn't do on this mission and hasn't on several of his other assignments. (I once again refer you to the list.) Skerrit asks if Panel Woman likes him. "I hate and fear him, but a man like that bent to your will could accomplish anything. Just ask Agent Duarte." Okay, she doesn't say that last part. Skerrit doesn't think Jake has bent to anyone yet, and Panel Woman claims that it's a problem she is going to rectify. Jake has made himself one powerful enemy. Whee!
"One Thing" by Finger Eleven plays during a slow motion shot of Team Tiny, Tiny Robots walking down the NSA hallway. It fades into washed out film stock, so we must be in Santa Costa. "If I traded it all, if I gave it all away for one thing," the music anvils. Jake stands between two guards. He's holding a blanket, but he's not singing to it like Lex Luthor or anything. A car approaches and Blonde NowNotSoBaddie gets out of the back seat. She walks to him, and he wraps the blanket around her shoulders. She thanks him and he asks her if she's all right. "I am now." They walk arm in arm to the SUV and we fade to white.
© deeablo 2003
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