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Jake 2.0 Ep 1.1: O, Canada!
Friday, September 12 @ 04:32:24 EDT
By Deeablo
"The Tech"
Mad, mad props to Fenchurche, who sent me the Jake 2.0 pilot early so I could recap it before I left on a family holiday to Ireland. Also, w00t to my editor Illyria, who facilitated the deal. And thanks to the Coca-Cola Company for keeping me awake during this frantic week. Ah, sweet sweet addiction. With that, let's get to it.
Space. A satellite swoops by, rapidly chirping signals to Earth. Whooshing sounds interspersed with quick cutaways of GPS-esque urban-area photographs zoom in on a big black building, windows shining. The tagline on the bottom of the screen tells us this is the National Security Agency. Enter our soon-to-be hero, Jake, walking on the plaza. Thumping and scratching techno music stalks the young man, who is wearing a simple white button-down and a long black trenchcoat. He's carrying a silver briefcase and striding quite purposefully. I know he's supposed to be a geek, but can someone please give the boy a decent haircut? And barring that, a stylist? If this was the WB, I know my pleas would be useless, but I'm pretty sure UPN doesn't add hair clauses to its actors' contracts (refer to Sarah Michelle Gellar, Buffy Seasons 6 and 7).
Jake shuffles along with other government drones, all of who seem to be clad in similar garb. There's a kind of blue "wash" over everything, which gives the show a stark and cold feel. It's more than the standard Vancouver lens utilized so well on The X-Files and so poorly on supposed-to-be-set-in-Kansas Smallville. It's almost... robotic, one might say. Yes. One might. There's a shot of a National Security Agency/United States of America seal before Jake enters the building through glass doors. And just in case we weren't sure where Jake is—the tagline and wall seal notwithstanding—Jake helpfully walks on an NSA seal inlaid on the lobby floor. Yes, a duplicate of the exact seal we saw not even two seconds ago. Jake is not in Canada. Got that? Good. Now if only we could figure out where he is . . .
Maybe the next scene will help. Jake walks down the hall and swipes his I.D. badge next to an electronic keypad. He punches in an access code—it's 45680 if anyone cares—and the door to SIGINT Operations buzzes open. As Jake goes in and the door shuts behind him, the camera stays on the keypad. Hmmmm. I wonder if that will be important later. We cut to a huge room decked out all War Games-style. Hello, Joshua. The standard computerized map of the world is next to screens showing infrared video of obviously covert-looking missions, other varied (in non-infrared) surveillance, and other spy stuff. Wait, there's that damned NSA seal again. There's an American eagle but I can't make out any of the words. Where are we?
No matter. Jake has a mission, and he strides behind busy workers sitting at a large curved table to reach his goal. He approaches a man near the middle of the room and asks, "What have we got?" "Doesn't look good," the man, who is looking at a large computer monitor, replies. The thumpa thumpa rave soundtrack screeches to a halt as the dude adds, "Damn thing's been frozen since I booted up this morning and the floppy drive is jammed." Ah, Badly Misguided Misdirection. I've missed you during the summer reruns. Also, floppy drive? Shouldn't the Canadian... er, I mean the U.S. government be working on CDs by now? I'd hate to think the war on terrorism could be impeded by inferior technology. Floppy gets up and Jake sits down, placing his briefcase next to the computer. He opens the case and starts doing technical stuff. After a brief look, Jake says, "It's a 20 minute job. I'll have you up and running in two." Agent Floppy whatevers, "Take your time; I'm due for a coffee break," clearly not impressed with Jake's skills.
Jake's face falls a little, but he starts his work. As he waits for the computer to respond to his commands (his programming commands, you sickies!), Jake checks out his surroundings. A man intones "Notify NORAD: negative telemetry intercept--" as a woman says "--is being updated with the following list: ammonia nitrate . . ." Her voice fades as Jake continues to look around. Monitors show footage of helicopters, soldiers retrieving one of their own, a man in a hat walking with other men. Christopher Gorham does a wonderful job of conveying Jake's shock and awe at being among "real" NSA agents and where the action is. You can practically see the cartoon bubble over his head saying "Dude! This rawks!" An agent stands up and announces, "Okay, listen up everyone." Jake is obviously thrilled to be included in that statement. Agent NamelessForNow describes how a CIA station has been tracking a known terrorist; as soon as his identity is confirmed via "satellite visuals," a missile will be on its way to meet the target. Jake gleefully grins, "This is so freakin' cool!"
Agent NamelessForNow asks, "Can I help you?" Jake identifies himself as Jake Foley from technical support, holding up his I.D. badge in an endearingly geeky way as he does so. He tells Agent NamelessForNow that Agent Floppy's computer is now fixed. "No problemo." Another goofy gesture, as if Jake is calling safe at first base, accompanies this declaration. Heh. Agent NamelessForNow says "Great," and thanks Jake. More awkwardness ensues, until Jake finally realizes that those long silences mean he is being dismissed. He takes one more wistful look before heading out. Goodbye, Joshua.
Stock footage of the Capitol at night. Cut to the interior of a trendy bar. Hey! Jake is talking to Matt Czuchry, formerly of Young Americans. Anyone else thirsty for a delicious Coca-Cola? Czuchry is telling Jake that Jake doesn't want to be like one of those agents he envies. The best part about working in tech is that they're almost agents but don't have the worries or the heavy workloads. "We can quit any time we want, and we can go start a band or open up a restaurant or something. We still have that freedom." Ah, being in one's early-to-mid 20s. How I don't miss it. Even though I know he's just the stock Goofy Best Friend Who Will Want To Exploit His Buddy's Superpowers Just To Get Women, I might have a little Czuchry crushage going on. "Tequila shots," Czuchry orders. Okay. It's love. Czuchry sagely predicts that the minute they know any real secrets, it's all over: "that's when they own you for life" Jake calls him Darin (*I'm* still calling him Czuchry), the fellas toast each other ("Cheers!"), and slam the double shooters (sigh). "God, I hate tequila," moans Czuchry. What? Say it isn't so! Then call me! Ahem.
Too late. Czuchry has spotted some potential pick-up targets, and urges Jake to pull out his NSA badge because "chicks. Dig. Spies." Jake counters, "But they don't. Dig. Geeks." Jake, honey, I know plenty of women who wouldn't mind a little geek freaky deek. But never mind that now. Jake follows Czuchry as Czuchry introduces himself and his buddy to two women. "You guys work for the NSA. That is so sexy. Do you have a license to kill," one of them monotones. Seriously, it sounds as if she's reading aloud stereo instructions. The women look at least 35. I'm talking what-the-WB-considers-to-look-35 35. In other words, old. And not all that attractive. Normally I'd be cheering on these Mrs. Robinsons, but these ladies should NOT be macking on adorkable Jake *or* the Czuchry. Go away. Luckily, Czuchry sticks his foot in his mouth with the incredibly sorry response, "Only if you are really bad." The women wisely turn away, their Depends undergarments rustling against their skirts. Jake decides to bail, and Czuchry yells out, "Leave the door open, because I don't have a key!" as Jake walks away. Ha! Nice secrecy there, ace.
On his way to his soon-to-be-robbed apartment, Jake hears a woman call after him, "Hey, stranger! " It's Sarah, The Primary Love Interest. She's blond and harmlessly pretty, and kind of resembles Helen Slater. Sarah works for Senator Thompson, and she teases Jake about using his NSA I.D. to hit on women. In a desperately hurry to remove his badge from around his neck, Jake manages to snare the chain on his nose is a very painful-looking, not-smooth-in-the-slightest motion. Bwa! He stammers something about working late, and she laughs, but not in a mean way. Sarah is working on Department of Defense programs that came in under budget, and she's trying to figure out where the funds went. Follow the money, Sarah!
After trading the obligatory "Don't trust the government" quips, Jake begins to ask Sarah for a date but is interrupted by someone waving at Sarah. She immediately asks Jake if he wants to join other aides to "drink martinis and gossip," but he declines. Sarah asks him what he's doing Saturday afternoon. "No plans," he beams. Sarah grabs a matchbook and scribbles down her phone number as she says something is wrong with her computer and could Jake take a look. He could. Spirits a bit dampened, Jake finally exits Bar Trendoid.
The next morning, Czuchry is in Jake's cube, which is decorated with posters of Epitaph, Bombshell Rocks, and other dorky-yet-supposedly-hip trappings. Jake is fiddling with the matchbook, and Czuchry asks him about it. Jake admits that it's Sarah's phone number and Czuchry exposits that "Georgetown Sarah" and Jake lived in the same dorm for four years, but Jake never asked her out. Czuchry wonders why Jake isn't excited about going over to her place, and Jake explains it's nothing but a service call. "Define 'service.'" Hee!
Czuchry tries to encourage Jake by saying this is Jake's chance to make Sarah see him as more than just a tech. So Czuchry is Jiminy Pimp? The male bonding is interrupted by a man telling the guys a server has gone offline, and Jake has to work.
The agent who reported the server problem tells Jake, "You know, not many people have been inside these walls, so consider yourself lucky." Oh, that wacky Ironic Foreshadowing. "These walls" include lots of white mice in cages. Each cage has a hamster (mouse?) wheel, and Jake—of course—is distracted by their tiny, tiny cuteness. Maybe they're spy mice! He watches one mouse run so quickly that it speeds to the top of the wheel. Hmmm. Do you think that means something? On his way to the server, Jake is diverted again, this time by an unstopped but secured beaker on top of a silver cylinder. He actually blows away the smoke generated near the base of the beaker. What a nerd! Jake looks at the server as his co-worker asks, "What are we looking at here?" A bespectacled man in a white lab coat appears next to the mice cages and the chemistry experiment. Jake's co-worker tells the man not to worry—the server will soon be back online.
Jake continues to work and says, "Oh, this is weird. It says here that they're uploading all of the lab's research into--" The sound of a bullet fired through a silencer cuts off Jake's sentence. Damn! Lab Coat shot Jake's co-worker dead. I didn't see that coming, and Christopher Gorham's convincing display of mindnumbing terror made it chillingly effective. He reacts to the gunshot. "What?" His voice cracks as he turns to see his dead co-worker. "What?" He sees Lab Coat pointing the gun at him. "Oh my god! Oh my god!"
Lab Coat snarls, "Since you're obviously the smarter one," he grabs Jake's badge to get his name, "I need you to disengage the diagnostics systems so that Tech Services doesn't send anyone else up here. Do it!" Jake turns back to the computer as Lab Coat dials a cell phone. "We've got a problem. Jake Foley. Tech Support," Lab Coat barks. Because he knows it's his best and only shot of survival, Jake sends a code black security alert instead of disengaging the systems. "I'm done," Jake says, as he turns around and blocks the screen with his body. "Nothing personal," Lab Coat utters, and Jake winces in preparation for the kill shot.
Luckily for our tech, security storms the lab. Gunfire ensues. The beaker explodes. Lab Coat buys the farm. Goo from the beaker is flung and absorbed into the skin of Jake's forearm via cuts made by exploding glass. Jake faints. I think all the mice survived.
Fade in on a very busy laboratory, with various personnel taking photographs, crime scene, removing Lab Coat's body, and assessing the damage done during the last scene. Jake is being examined by a female doctor, who is the Secondary Love Interest, a.k.a. the Smart Girl Who Is Not Supposed To Be As Pretty As The Primary Love Interest But This Is Hollywood (Really Vancouver) So She Is Definitely Attractive. She typifies her doomed-to-be-a-sidekick status by (a) wearing glasses, (b) having her brunette hair sloppily tucked into a bun, and (c) being a doctor. Jake stares off into the distance as a paramedic sews up Jake's forearm.
Dr. SGWINSTBAPATPLIBTIHRVSSIDA tries to engage the poor boy in conversation, but realizes Jake is too shaken up to say much. A woman says, "Dr. Hughes?" And we've got a name! Dr. Hughes excuses herself and walks over to the woman. As much as I appreciate the lack of obvious introductions in this pilot, it's making it hellish to recap. I'll call the woman who wants to talk to Dr. Hughes... Beckett. Because that's her name.
Beckett asks for a status update as Beckett, Dr. Hughes, and a random agent look at Lab Coat's body. Beckett exposits that Dr. Hughes worked with Lab Coat for three years. Dr. Hughes throws out the worst line of the pilot—"This guy thinks equal opportunity was something you put in your coffee"—before adding that she never thought the other doctor was a traitor. Beckett walks and talks with Agent No Lines, demanding that he find out all he can about Lab Coat: "He's been with us for ten years, so he didn't come cheap." Beckett says she wants to talk to Jake.
Beckett's office. Another NSA seal! Two, actually: there's a flag with a seal right next to the wall seal. Okay, we've got the first official rule of the Jake 2.0 drinking game. We find out Beckett's first name is Louise and that her title is deputy director. She thanks Jake for sending the distress signal. Jake geeks, "I'm a go-getter." As she looks through his file, Beckett notices that Jake has applied for intel training. "Yeah. Twice." Beckett tells Jake he served his agency well today and reminds him of his confidentiality agreement. Or, for the slower members of the viewing audience, "Under no circumstances are you to recount what happened here today... to anyone... ever." Jake tries to listen the mood by joking, "Or what, you'll have to kill me?" Beckett smiles politely and nods her head slightly as the smile slides off her face. Jake looks scared. Heh.
Jake enters his apartment, looking pale and sickly in the blue light. "Darin?" he calls out. No answer. Perhaps Czuchry is out trolling at a nearby retirement village. Jake lurches through the realistically messy rooms, removing his coat as he stumbles into a bedroom and falls face down on a bed, not even bothering to remove his other clothing or shoes. He curls up and shudders as we pull back to see piles of clothes, stacks of CDs, and other miscellany. How can you not love a guy that has a stegosaurus by his bed? Then again, it *is* right next to a candle in a Chianti bottle.
We fade to white, and it's the next afternoon. The close-captioning—and the original pilot—had Jake waking up to 50 Cent's "In Da Club." Now it's just some random song. And by random, I mean I have no idea what the hell it is. Jake rubs his eyes, and removes the bandage on his forearm to reveal nothing. No cut. No stitches. Nothing. There's not even blood on the bandage. "What?" he asks himself. He checks the clock (1:10 P.M.) and realizes, "Sarah."
"Hope you like vino," is Jake's opening line at Sarah's. Ugh. Nerdiest. Sommelier. Ever. She invites him into her way-too-huge apartment (how can she afford this without a roommate?) and tells him rumor has it that "Bill and Monica" had a few trysts there. She said she didn't buy it at first, "but it kind of has that vibe, don't you think?" Jake agrees, of course. First of all, Bill and Monica only "trysted" at the White House (unless you're counting the phone sex). Second, who wants to live in a place that has an overwhelming smegma vibe? Sarah leads Jake to her computer and leaves to open the bottle of wine after he says, "Yeah, let's pop it." "'Let's pop it?' Idiot," Jake mutters to himself after Sarah is gone. Snerk.
Hello, Joshua. In the SIGINT Operations room, Agent NamelessForNow runs Lab Coat's cellular call through a voiceprint database. The man on the other end of the line is identified as Eric Vaughn. Aw. The producers are already giving me shout-outs. Not only is this week's baddie a member of the Irish Republican Army (Erin Go Robot!) but he is also named Eric. Agent NamelessForNow informs Beckett that Vaughn is a black market arms dealer (the editor in me really wants to rewrite or at least add some hyphen to that phrase) who recently stole research about a new laser-guided missile. Vaughn has been on the British CTU's most wanted list for more than a year. Agent NamelessForNow wants to take a team to Belfast to track Vaughn.
"We've discussed this before, Kyle," Beckett says. Woo! We have a name! Through a rapid back and forth, we discover that Kyle's cover was blown two years ago (through no fault of his own) and he's been working behind a desk ever since. He wants to be in the field; he feels he's being wasted. Beckett gives him no sympathy. "You want to work for me, you work here."
Jake removes the top of the hard drive on Sarah's computer as he tells her she needs a new mouse, preferably wireless. Sarah returns with two glasses of vino, and Jake asks her about a framed photograph on her desk. It's a group of men taken during Desert Storm; one of them is her father. He was in the Middle East testing classified weapons systems but he never came back. Sarah said the worst part is that the government refuses to tell her family what happened because it's all classified. Cue another awkward exchange about Jake fixing Sarah's computer in college, and how Jake didn't mind helping her. He's working up the courage to ask her out again when that tried-and-true telephone ring interrupts him.
To her credit, Sarah ignores the phone until Jake tells her she should probably answer it. She does, and goes into another room to chat. Jake looks at the exposed hard drive, and we get hear for the first time the sound Jake makes before he does something nanite-riffic. Its a sort of buzzing, pulsing, crackling noise that is best transcribed as "zihzihzihzihzuh." Well, maybe not, but that's as close as I can manage.
He blinks his eyes and suddenly he can focus on circuitry far closer than a normal human can. Jake blinks again, with sounds of lenses being focused accentuating every blink and zoom. Looking a little freaked out, Jake picks up a pushpin and stares at the tip, which comes into sharp and close focus. He uses the pushpin's point to complete a circuit and voila. Sarah's computer is up and running. She asked him how he fixed it, and he mumbles that he doesn't know. She tells him he doesn't look so good, and Jake rambles something about a 24-hour flu that's really more like 36 hours or maybe even 48 and he's got to go.
Jake walks through a park, which is stark and cold and wintry. Suddenly he hears the rattle of machine-gun fire and he ducks for cover behind a park bench. However, no one else seems to hear anything unusual and continue walking. Jake sees a boy playing a handheld video console and realizes that the noise he heard came from the game. It was just weirdly amplified.
As Jake stands up, a football rolls next to his feet. "Hey, mister!" another boy yells at him. Yikes, is Christopher Gorham old enough to qualify as a "mister"? Jake casually throws the ball to the kid, but the unexpected force of the ball bullets the kid backward into a tree trunk. The kid's playmate look at Jake with amazement. "Sorry," Jake blurts out, and leaves the park. AS he gets to the street, he notices an advertisement on the side of a bus. It's a drawing of a hamster on a wheel with the text "Running in circles" next to it. Jake begins realizing right there on the sidewalk, and from a short distance away, Vaughn snaps a photograph of Jake. "That guy's got some arm," he tells his associate.
Jake returns to the research lab but he can't get in. He touches the control box and zihzihzihzihzuh zooms through the circuitry and back to get access. Jake begins downloading information from the database. Zihzihzihzihzuh. Halls away, Jake can hear Dr. Hughes talking to a nosy co-worker. Dr. Hughes, who knows all about the confidentiality agreement, denies that anything happened in the lab. Jake c'mon, c'mons the computer to hurry up before anybody discovers him. Jake gets what he needs, removes the data storage unit or whatever the hell he used (all I know is that it's not a floppy disk or CD), and leaves the lab. He meets Dr. Hughes at the elevator. Dr. Hughes' glasses are off (she'd been rubbing her eyes), and she says "Jake. Hi!" He smiles at her, and she realizes she might not recognize her, so she puts on her glasses and says "Diane." That was cute. And I'll be calling her Diane from now on.
She asks why he's there, and he lies about the server and says everything is fine. Diane smile and then notices that his forearm is completely healed. Jake babbles about "killer immune systems" as the elevator doors close. Diane, wearing a dress and jeans under her lab coat (she's so quirky!), notices the open lab door and starts a little realizing of her own.
A quick succession of images: Jake double-locks his apartment door, pulls the shades, pops open a bottle of beer (good man), and attaches the downloaded information to his computer. The camera cuts back and forth between Jake and the screen as Jake reads about nano-technology, nano-assemblers, macro-vision, enhanced hearing, and increased strength. Onscreen, a diagram of a tiny, tiny machine labeled "Nanite: Cell Integration" flashes, breaks through the wall of a cell, and suddenly we zihzihzihzihzuh-zoom out of Jake's cells to a wide and static shot of the instant the nanites infected Jake. It's a pretty cool effect. Suddenly, the beer bottle in Jake's hand explodes because of his new kung-fu grip, and Jake's instant and surprisingly strong reaction propels him and his chair across the apartment, only stopping when Jake and the chair hit the foot of a bed. He looks amazed and startled, and checks the hand that broke the bottle. Not a scratch.
Meanwhile, Diane, who is no dummy, watches videotape of the shooting and realizes that Jake's got himself a case of the tiny, tiny robots. Uh-oh.
Jake's apartment. 'Awwww, yeah!' music kicks in for the obligatory What Can I Do With These New Powers? montage. Jake stands up, stretches his leg, and kind of saunters a bit before he strikes a few poses a la The Hulk. He looks as silly as you'd expect. I'm appreciating Christopher Gorham more and more as the episode progresses. In the hands of a lesser actor, this standard scene would be either boring or painful to watch. Jake considers the thin pipe running parallel to his ceiling. Looking thoughtful, then determined, he zihzihzihzihzuhs and jumps for the pipe... and immediately smashes a hole in the ceiling with his head. Heh. He tries again and this time grabs the bar easily. Hey, Christopher Gorham's got a nice bit of tummy there. Jake does some effortless pull-ups and then switches to one arm, pulling himself up and grinning. He can't stop smiling.
When the pipe finally does the expected thing and breaks, Jake falls onto a table, which breaks after breaking (heh) his fall. Czuchry unlocks the door, notices his roommate on top of the broken table, and says, "Please tell me that there was some really wild sex going on in here." Jake exclaims, "Darin, you won't believe . . ." Unfortunately, Czuchry has somehow convinced one of the Geezer Sisters from Bar Trendoid to come home with him. She is obviously supposed to be some sort of spy groupie, but her lack of acting skills or the ability to look even remotely animated give this scene a false note.
Jake, fully understanding the laws of roommates, bolts so Czuchry and the she-robot can have what will only be nasty-and-not-in-the-good-way sex. However, I notice that Czuchry and Lady Geezer are heading straight toward the bed where Jake slept the night after the shootings. Hmm. Exactly what kind of roommates are Czuchry and Jake? Start writing that fanfic now.
Beckett's office. Kyle tells her Vaughn is in the States, and thinks he's here to pick up whatever Lab Coat failed to deliver. Diane knocks on the door and announces there's a problem. (Wait, what's the problem? Why should all these people in Vancouver be worried? Oh, right! Sorry, they didn't put in enough seals and eagles.—Illyria)
Smegma Apartment. Jake apologizes for coming over unannounced but he has to tell Sarah something. Geez, does this boy have no idea what confidential means, or that the government is certainly willing to kill him without a single qualm? Of course Sarah has company, a poor man's Shawn Cassidy lookalike named Peter. He's cooking dinner for her, and Sarah, again to her credit, seems genuinely concerned with what Jake wants to say. But Jake realizes he's intruding, and maybe he shouldn't be burdening her with extremely dangerous and classified material. Before Jake leaves, Peter dicks, "It was nice meeting you Jack." Icky.
Jake enters the world largest elevator (seriously, it's huge), which has not one but two wall sconces used as lighting. What the? And lo and behold, guess who else is in the elevator? If you guessed Vaughn, I'll bet that you've watched television before. Vaughn makes a bad joke about pushing buttons, Jake, obviously thinking about other things, just nods distractedly. "My humor doesn't translate here. Back in Ireland they'd be dying by now." Oooooh. As the elevator reaches the lobby, Vaughn calls Jake by name. Jake turns around and asks who he is. Vaughn responds, "Let's just say I have an interest in you. Or rather, what's inside of you." Those Irish are so romantic, even when they're threatening your life. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-pushes Vaughn into his henchman, and Jake runs out of the building straight into some government operatives, who taser him and shove him in the back of a black van.
Back to the lab, where Jake is facedown on a table that is exiting a CAT-scan tube. For some reason, he's wearing his jeans instead of a medical smock or scrubs. In the next room, Diane, Beckett, and Kyle look at the results of the tests. Diane marvels, "See how the nanites have positioned themselves along the central nervous system? What they're doing is establishing contact with the brain via electrical impulses, but eventually, that link will be seamless. I mean, whatever... whatever he wants them to do, they'll do." Kyle says this is what Vaughn is after, some sort of "future soldier." Beckett explains that the research was originally intended for soldiers in combat to be able to repair damaged tissue, but the government realized the greater potential early on. Diane adds, "And every one of his body functions is enhanced." "Meaning what?" Beckett. "I can hear everything!" Jake responds. Beckett smiles at Jake through the glass and tells him there's only a few more tests left.
Diane shines a light in Jake's eyes and she finishes the examination. He asks her how they're going to get the tiny, tiny robots out of him. Diane explains that the nanites are "fully integrated" and can't be removed. But they won't hurt him, right? Diane hesitates, and then lists some side effects found in the mice: muscle spasms, blindness, full or partial paralysis. In cases when the mice reject the tiny, tiny robots, the results were... "not good." Diane assures Jake that he will be fine. He asks what's going to happen to him. Diane replies, "We don't know."
Cut to a large windowless room with harsh lighting. Jake sits on a chair, the only thing besides Jake himself in the locked room. He zihzihzihzihzuhs and hears a faraway conversation between Beckett and Kyle. Beckett says she's sorry about the accident, but she has no idea how long "this guy" is going to live. She needs to find out as much as she can. We zihzihzihzihzuh-zoom from the two senior agents through the ventilation system back to an understandably panicked Jake. Kyle argues, "Lou, this guy risks his life for us, and in exchange, we're going to turn him into a lab rat?" Jake doesn't like that idea, so he looks for a way out. He zihzihzihzihzuhs and pushes against each door, but even his new strength can't open them. Jake looks up at the ceiling and sees a sprinkler. In a nice touch, he uses matches from the matchbook Sarah gave him, and he activates the fire alarm. The doors open and Jake escapes, walking down a hallway and out of the building among other NSA employees. Beckett arrives at the now-empty room.
Cab. The driver tells Jake, "You are a very brave man flying international, very brave." As the driver continues to talk about the changes made since 9/11 (which is when I am typing this, BTW), Jake's cell phone rings. It's Sarah, and she's panicked. She needs to see him right away; she has "no one else to turn to." Jake agrees—even though he is fleeing the country and running for his life—and soon he and Sarah are sitting in a nondescript diner. Sarah tells Jake that the funds she's been investigating haven't disappeared. They've been diverted... to the NSA. She thinks she might be being paranoid, but then one of her neighbors mentioned two strange men in their building and the trashed lobby (Jake's handiwork as he escaped from Vaughn and his accomplice).
As Jake listens to Sarah, he zihzihzihzihzuhs and hears an electronic transmission. "We've got visual. Target is seated in the window." Jake realizes the gig is up, and tells Sarah to immediately go back to her office. Right now. She does, frantically muttering on her way to the front door as Jake slips out the back. A newspaper truck (or bakery truck or something) is waiting for him in the alley, and Jake grabs a nearby bicycle and takes off, the truck close behind. Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs his legs as he speeds through the Vancouver... er, Washington, D.C., streets. He weaves in and out at greater and greater speeds, but he still can't shake his pursuers. Meanwhile, Sarah "accidentally" bumps into Vaughn in a crosswalk, and he feigns concern about her shaky appearance. Close to an intersection, Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs the traffic light to turn from red to green. He flies through safely and the light turns back to red, causing a traffic snarl and a halt to the chase. Jake smiles broadly but immediately panics as he sees he's headed top speed straight for pile of gravel. He hits the pile, flies through the air, and manages to land upright on the bike. As he manfully skids to a stop, Jake can't restrain some relieved laughter as his cell phone rings. He answers, "Sarah," but it's not Sarah. It's Vaughn telling him to "Meet me at the Chemdyne Research Facility, midnight, alone, or your friends is dead." Gulp.
Chemdyne Research Facility. Midnight. Jake is alone. His cell phone rings. It's Czuchry, who complains that Lady Geezer dumped him because dating a spy is too dangerous. Jake reminds his roommate that Czuchry isn't an agent, and Czuchry says, "Rub it in, man. Rub it in." The signal starts breaking up, and a new voice says, "Hello, Jake. Chemdyne Research." "Kyle?" Jake confuses. Kyle wants to know what the hell Jake is doing at a cryogenics facility. Jake looks skyward. "Are you tracking me?" Kyle is indeed tracking Jake from his desk at Oh No You SIG'INT. Kyle tells Jake to come in. Jake explains that the "Irish guy"' is holding his friend hostage. Kyle says he can have a team there in ten minutes. Jake says no, Vaughn will kill Sarah. Using satellites and thermal tracking, Kyle tells Jake that there are three people in the building, and to take a stairwell to the roof to get in. Jake thanks Kyle and hangs up.
Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs the door open and starts looking for Sarah. Look out! There's Vaughn's crony, and he's got a gun. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-jumps up to a higher level to escape the gunfire. Jake runs. The bad guy runs. Jake stops at the mouth of a dark, downward-angled tunnel. He can't see the bottom of the corridor, so he zihzihzihzihzuhs to infrared vision with a neat effect that briefly surrounds his pupils with a shimmering silver. He runs through the hallway, easily avoiding objects and ducking a low hanging pipe. Vaughn's lackey can't see in the dark, of course, so he knocks himself out cold after he runs headfirst into said pipe. Jake heh hehs a little before continuing his search for Sarah.
And there she is. She's unconscious, gagged, and tied with rope at her wrists and ankles, but otherwise appears to be unharmed. Jake goes to untie her and hears the click of a gun hammer. He turns to see Vaughn. "Amazing. Millions of dollars in research and development and the best they can come up with is you." Jake sees a nearby pressurized liquid nitrogen tank and begins to simultaneously distract Vaughn and zihzihzihzihzuh with the computers to increase the pressure inside the tank. He tells Vaughn that killing him isn't the best idea; wouldn't it be more effective if Jake showed off his talents? A bemused Vaughn lilts, "A little bit of show and tell?" Man, those Irish are flirty. Jake rambles that he could jump and bend stuff and "can see, like, Texas." The expansion tanks are reaching critical mass, and Vaughn is losing patience.
Suddenly, a warning horn blares and the increased pressure finally causes part of the tank to pop open, and the liquid nitrogen hits Vaughn dead-on. He starts to slide down a wall, but the nitrogen crackles and freezes him in a kind of squatted position. Vaughn looks at Jake with disbelief before he slides to the floor. Not the best way to go. Jake goes to an still-unconscious Sarah and removes her gag as an ops team enters the building. One soldier checks Vaughn's vitals ("He's dead, sir.") and another tells Jake that he has to go to NSA headquarters. The ops team will look after Sarah.
Beckett's office. Two NSA seals. Drink! Beckett offers Jake coffee, and Jake snits, "I have millions of these 'things' running around inside my body that might kill me... at any moment. I have spent the last couple of days running for my life, getting shot at, because of these little 'things' that might kill me... at any moment. So do I want a cup of coffee? No." He just wants his life back. Beckett says that can't do that, but the NSA can increase his security clearance, effectively immediately, and create a special ops team with Jake at its core. Jake whoas, "I didn't ask for any of this." Beckett replies, "Yes you did. Twice." Kyle tells him not to waste this big chance. Jake smiles.
And with that, we come to last scene of the... wait, what's that? That horrible music playing under this scene. It's faint, yet unmistakable. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away. Sarah's apartment. Jake presents her with a wireless mouse. Aw. He starts to apologize for what happened, but Sarah tells him it wasn't his fault. Sarah said she was the one looking into the missing money. Jake says maybe she should leave it alone; she doesn't have to be a hero.
Sarah says she can't let it go and anvils, "There are no heroes. Not anymore." Jake reiterates that he is there for her, and Sarah gives him a warm hug and whispers "You're the best. Thank you." Suddenly the volume of the crap rock increases to forcibly audible levels. Nooooo! It can't be! Damn you, Jake 2.0 producers! ::shakes cyberfist skyward:: You had to end a perfectly good episode with a cheesy, overplayed, all-too-obvious song. From the freaking Dave Matthews Band! Yes, someone actually chose "Where Are You Going?" to close the pilot. Garg! The soundtrack croons/whines (crines?) "I am no superman / I have no answers for you." Really, Dave? Then shut the fuck up.
Okay, I've punctured my eardrums with this handy sharpened stick. Jake walks outside and looks at the crosswalk signal, which turns from the glowing red hand to the whitelight walking man. Christopher Gorham smiles, and we soar back into space via Jake, GPS photographs, clouds, and the satellite from the first shot. Nice.
© deeablo 2003
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