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Jake 2.0 Episode 2: Tiny Shirtless Robots
Tuesday, September 23 @ 23:27:00 EDT
By Deeablo
Shout outs to eep, who taped the episode for me whilst I was in the Emerald Isle; my editor Illyria, who graciously overlooked my missed deadline; and my OTP queenofalostart, who read me bad poetry ("Occupation: Loser, moron, et cetera") over the phone and told me to finish the damn recap already. Cheers, ladies.
Previously on Jake 2.0: "I'm Jake Foley, Tech Support." Sarah sees that Jake is still working at the NSA. A shoot-'em-up in a sooper sekrit laboratory ends with Jake being infected with tiny, tiny robots (nanites). "We've got a problem," Diane intones over a montage of Jake showing off his new powers. "See how the nanites have positioned themselves along the central nervous system? I mean, this guy can interface with technology. He's like a universal remote. Every one of his body functions is enhanced." Beckett tells Jake she has "been authorized to create a Special Ops team with [Jake] at its core." Kyle looks on approvingly. Where the hell is Czuchry? Maybe he's trying to pick up Angela Lansbury.
Washington, D.C. rooftops, or so it seems. Jake kicks open a door. He's wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a brown jacket. He has a small messenger bag slung over his shoulder. His hair looks much better. Oh, and he's looking around apprehensively. That is, until he sees a guy aiming a freaking rocket launcher at him. Yikes! Slow motion increases the impressiveness (*cough*) as Jake runs and leaps to avoid the missile. He lands safely on another rooftop and scampers away.
A gun, followed by Jake, enters a random industrial room. Points for entering gun-first, Jake. It looks as if Jake 2.0's producers are already recycling the sets: this space is a dead ringer for last week's interiors for Chemdyne Research Facility. Jake skulks along until he sees a man with a gun. Jake fires as he falls (more slo-mo) from an upper level. It's tough to tell, but I think Jake fires six shots before dropping the guy. Another corridor, another general industrial space. Jake listens, using his enhanced hearing, which—like all of Jake's superpowers—is indicated by that buzzing, pulsing, crackling noise that we here at PanFandom call "zihzihzihzihzuh." Apparently Jake can hear around corners, because hiding out behind a large metal tank (maybe the same one that killed "Irish guy" Eric Vaughn in the pilot?) is another baddie. He resembles Simon Cowell a bit. Jake fires two shots, and NotSimon is dead. PaTHETic!
Jake continues to inspect the darkened (of course!) building. Jake hears something, and zihzihzihzihzuh-infrareds to enhance his night vision. I still really like the effect of turning Jake's irises kind of silvery as he shifts into this mode. Baddie #3 is walking on a catwalk, and Jake sees him first. Three shots, and that's all he wrote. Suddenly, two men appear behind Jake, demanding, "Drop your weapon and hand over the pouch." Heh. Pouch. Jake turns and shoots and the men, but suddenly his gun is dry clicking. Don't you hate it when that happens? The two men shoot at Jake. We hear their gunfire, but Jake is unaffected by it as he asks "What?" and checks his clip. Empty. "Aw, man," Jake complains.
The obvious simulation (did any of you think it was anything else?) whines to a halt as Kyle tells Jake he's failed again. Kyle lectures, "I keep telling you, always count your shots, Jake. Twelve in the mag, one in the pipe." I only counted eleven shots, but Jake probably wouldn't have been able to use the last two bullets to take out two guys. Jake admits he screwed up. "But did you see that jump? I mean, c'mon!" Kyle says it was good, but if this was the real world, Jake would be all kinds of dead. Okay, he just says "dead." Kyle's got some pretty eyes. Jake hands Kyle the clip and the gun, then sighs.
Jake runs on a treadmill. He's wearing headphones. He had better not be listening to the Dave Matthews Band. Outside this room, Beckett talks to two older men with lots of medals on their chests. As she leaves them and enters another room (we can still see Jake in the background), Kyle asks what the suits (uniforms?) wanted. Beckett replies, "We've got a guy with a half a billion dollars of nanotechnology inside of him. They want results." Diane promises they're getting results. She shows Kyle and Beckett a handheld computer device (a personal personal digital assistant?) that monitors Jake's vitals. Diane compares various sections of the simulation and says that when Jake saw "the rocket grenade thing or whatever you call it," his adrenals shot up 300 percent. The tiny, tiny robots boost his adrenal gland when he's under lots of stress.
Diane also exposits that Jake's muscles are still the same, but the tiny, tiny robots increase any output tenfold. "It's technology at its best. It's beautiful." "It's unpredictable," Beckett counters. Beckett points out that Jake was "dropped to his knees" by a metal detector. Diane explains that the tiny, tiny robots are molecular computers and therefore can fall prey to "electromagnetic waves, power surges, computer viruses, hacking . . ." Jeez, Greenwalt, why don't you spoil us for the entire season? Hmph.
Jake is strong and fast, Kyle says, but his instincts aren't the best. Kyle says Jake hasn't beat the simulator (that sounds dirty) and can barely bring himself to hit someone. We see Jake, obviously eavesdropping, begin to run faster and faster. Jake in the field would be "a danger to himself and any other agent he's with." Diane no-nos this as she says she's only had three weeks. Beckett says they've only got one more week before the NSA shuts down the project. Diane stutters that they can't put Jake "in a room like a lab rat. He's a human being. They can't do that!" Gee, Diane, which government do YOU work for? Jake, speeding along as his anxiety increases, suddenly grabs his leg and flies off the back of the treadmill with a crash. Diane mumbles that there have been some problems with cramping. Heh.
Credits. "I'm Jake. I've been upgraded. Life is about to get real interesting." Czuchry is not included. This does not bode well.
Satellite. Earth. We zoom to Tunisia (so the tagline tells us). A truck drives into a bunker as soldiers hit the dirt on a nearby hill. "'Sandstorm' in position," one of the men radios. "Copy that, Sandstorm," Beckett replies, and we are in a much smaller room than that of Oh No You SIG'INT Operations from the first episode. There's still a large screen or two, but this new control room has far fewer computers and personnel. Also, no NSA seal on the floor.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Jake and Kyle watch as Beckett runs the op. Kyle exposits that a Tunisian terrorist cell called Al Juhuara got their hands on an "electromagnetic pulse bomb." Agent Sandstorm and his team are going to retrieve it, and he asks permission to go ahead. After a bit of banter (this guy is so dead), Beckett approves but reminds him that the team is "authorized for flash and bang only." Kyle explains to Jake that the soldiers will use "percussive grenades" to stun the guards. Jake says that's a good idea, and Kyle gives him a pretty funny "duh!" look, which Jake misses. Agent Sandstorm goes in flashing and banging. Beckett, and everyone else in the room, closely watches the satellite images of the raid. Beckett asks for Sandstorm to respond three times, before he responds. "Looks like I got a little sand in my radio." Beckett says "You bring it home, I'll clean it myself." Sandstorm says the EMP bomb—enclosed in the ever-popular shiny silver briefcase—is in "good hands," and she tells him to come home. Yep. So dead.
Jake marvels at the coolness of the mission and its outcome, and Kyle says, "That's what real agents do." Me-OW, Kyle. Jake looks crestfallen, but his hair looks great. [Why do agents never carry sensitive material around in Hello Kitty backpacks? I bet it'd brighten up their day.—Illyria]
"That's what real agents do, Jake," Jake mimics bitterly as he prepares to hammer a nail into a wall. "Real world and you'd be dead, Jake." He zihzihzihzihzuh-hammers through the wall. Again, as there are a few other holes in the background. Hee. Also in the background are a couch, a television (with a scrambled signal), and lots of boxes.
The phone rings, and it's Sarah. She asks him a computer question, Jake answers it, and she tells him he's amazing. She also says she misses him and wants to meet him for lunch. Jake accepts, delighted, as someone knocks on his door. Jake and Sarah agree to meet at "Mick's" the next day, and Jake hangs up. Diane is at the door, and in a nice parallel to the pilot, she brings him a gift: a desk lamp. Jake invites her in and thanks her for the lamp, which will look great... when he gets a desk. He starts to look for glasses so he can get her some water (he had been drinking from the tap), and he exposits, "I come home from work one day, and all of my stuff's packed up [even the stegosaurus?], and my roommate's been transferred out of the country [Greenwalt, you bastard!], and then I'm forced to come live here because it's supposedly a more secure location... above Luigi's Deli. [Inhales.] Do you smell that? I do—24 hours a day."
Actually, I know that Czuchry's character was weak, unnecessary to the plot, and nothing but a stereotype. But he was cute, dammit!
Diane tries to reassure him by saying that Jake will make it as an agent by saying she really wants a Nobel prize, especially the medal, and if he gives up she will kick his "nanobot butt." Man, Christopher Gorham is extra fetching during this exchange. Ooh, look at that smile! Diane notices too, and asks about his scrambled television before she jumps his geeky bones. Jake has waited for the cable guy twice, but no dice. Diane says he could just "fix" it himself. Jake worries about the legality of such actions. Diane philosophizes, "Shouldn't it be illegal for the cable guy to make you wait around all day and not show up?" For all of us who have wasted time waiting for a utility or cable provider to show, AMEN, sister. Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs the cable box, which is on channel 69—tee hee! He asks Diane to stay and watch TV. Diane, delighted, does so.
Washington Monument. I love obelisks. NSA seal. Drink! Kyle puts his hand on a security screen to enter a restricted area. Jake, dressed in a navy suit and burgundy tie, is at his side, eyes wide. Nice costuming contrast emphasizing the characters' differences in this scene; Kyle is completely at ease in a suit, whereas Jake's tie isn't knotted very tightly and his collar is a bit open at the top. Jake watches as Kyle picks up his firearm in what looks like a high-tech vending machine. The two men walk down a long, metal-covered corridor. Kyle puts an arm out to stop Jake as a vehicle stops at a door. Two men unload silver boxes as camouflaged soldiers with guns guard the entrance. Kyle tells Jake about "the most secure vault in the building: three feet of lead and steel, [must not... make... Tom Welling... joke] impenetrable to any and all types of blasts." Hmmmm. I wonder if that will be important later. Jake fanboys about Agent Sandstorm and innocently wonders if the agency will ever send him anywhere "exotic." Kyle buzzkills that the NSA, with its 46,000 employees (hello, big government!), does not give a hang about sending Jake anywhere exotic. Jake rights and of courses, and in a nice shot we pan across the back of Jake's jacket to the outside steps of a building. There's a small park in front. Kyle asks Jake what he sees. Jake points out a mother pushing a stroller, two businessmen, a woman "jogging—she's kind of hot. Not that it matters. Does it? I don't know." Bwa! Jake is trying so hard. Kyle says he sees six people on cell phones (they could be ordering a hit—the people, not the phones) and four places in which a bomb could be concealed. Kyle tells Jake that they are there to capture an unidentified State Department official who is selling some information. The exchange is to take place there, and this is their one shot at this guy.
The camera circles Jake as he turns around trying to look nonchalant. He sees a woman leave her purse on a bench, but she soon retrieves it. Everyone looks suspicious, and suddenly Jake notices two men talking by a hot dog cart. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-listens as one man puts an envelope in his jacket and says, "Nobody can know about this." Oh man. I couldn't watch this the first time. Jake yells for Kyle. As he's doing so, the real exchange takes place right in front of him, but Jake is busy looking at his backup. Kyle is too far away so Jake screams, "Federal agent!" and tackles the guy. Who, of course, is not the official. The whole set-up was a field training exercise, and Jake failed again. The victim was a "hot dog vendor paying off his bookie." Jake said that it sounded like a drop, but Kyle reminds him that a real drop wouldn't sound like a drop. "I want you to step up. Okay? Dig deeper. Jake, I want you to learn to look beyond the obvious." Thanks, Yoda. Continue his training you will?
Private jet plane. Agent Sandstorm, all cleaned up, has the silver briefcase with the EMP bomb handcuffed to his wrist. I don't think the other team members have such lux transport. Another man and woman chat as the steward gives a drink to the other. The steward approaches Sandstorm and "accidentally" spills an empty drink in Sandstorm's lap. The stew uses the distraction to pull Sandstorm's gun from its holster. He shoots Sandstorm dead, and then turns to fire two kill shots for the other man and woman. It takes less than five seconds. DAMN! Scary Steward tucks the gun in the small of his back and unveils a HUGE butcher knife. He carries it over to Sandstorm. The blade falls swiftly to chop the agent's wrist as we cut to commercial. Heh. Cut.
NSA wall seal. Drink! NSA floor seal. Drink! Holy god, Christopher Gorham is shirtless. Drool! He's also sweaty. Um. What? He's got electrodes attached along his spine (nice continuity). Did I mention the shirtlessness? Diane times Jake as he zihzihzihzihzuhs a CD player, opens a safe, and tries to bypass security on an NSA computer. But access is denied, causing Jake to flex. I mean, react in disappointment. He's shirtless and frustrated. Like me! Jake is tired of being bounced from the security program, and he wants Diane to increase the threshold. Of the nanites, you sickies. Which are also shirtless, by the way. Shirtless tiny, tiny robots. What? Oh, and Diane doesn't know everything about nanites and their capabilities. She only joined Dr. Gage (Lab Coat) as a post-doc and he's dead so lay off already. Jake and Diane continue to argue; he's scared because if he doesn't show improvement, he's a lab rat. She's scared because she doesn't know as much about the project as she should. The solution? Why, Diane ripping off the electrodes, of course. Jake winces. Mmm, shirtless wincing. Kyle interrupts and asks if they're done. "Yes!" they grump in unison.
Jake, now shirted, tries to tell Kyle about his upcoming plans but Kyle already knows everything about it... and her. He also knows Jake "has a thing" for Sarah. Cough. Cough cough cough. Kyle informs Jake that his date has turned into his first assignment. Seems the diverted funds Sarah was investigating in the pilot were funneled to the nanotechnology project. Surprised? Nah, me neither. Jake doesn't want to lie to Sarah, but Kyle says he'll be listening. Kyle hands Jake a cover story and an earpiece.
Capitol. Washington Obelisk. Sarah and Jake at an outdoor cafe. Sarah ironies, "Just the two of us" and doesn't notice Kyle's car, which is parked 15 feet away. Gah. Christopher Gorham is bringing the serious cute in this scene, y'all. Czuchry? Who he? Personal chit chat blah blah. Kyle agrees with me, and tells Jake to get to it. Sarah's phone rings, which gives her the perfect opportunity to walk off and return to find Jake seemingly talking to himself when, in reality, he is only responding to Kyle. Ah, spy "humor." Sarah busts him, of course, so Jake brings up the cover story: the NSA was upgrading computers but didn't want the CIA (and that silly Sydney Bristow) to know about it, so the NSA hid the funds. Sarah doesn't buy it and says she has a source that tells her different. Jake tries to argue that his intel is "really reliable," but he can't convince Sarah to drop it. Jake gets into Kyle's car and bitches that the story didn't work, but Kyle says it did. Jake realizes he got intel after all: Sarah has a source. Kyle's phone rings, and he and Jake are off. There's an extended shot that is nothing but Jake putting on his seat belt. Safety first, people. Or something.
Jake and Kyle arrive at the site of a plane crash. Jake is horrified by the carnage as the technicians and firefighters mill about the smoking wreck. Jake practically stands in Agent Sandstorm's body, which is remarkably uncharred, unbroken, and barely soiled. Convenient. That can't be good for evidence—standing that close to the body, I mean. Beckett briefs that all three agent on the plane are dead, and whoever took the EMP bomb parachuted out. It's a Code Red threat, so it's go time. Kyle offers to notify the families of the three dead agents, but Beckett says she'll do it. Kyle finds Jake next to Sandstorm and all Jake can say is "They cut off his hand." I don't know about you, but between this and Lindsey's Evil Hand on Angel, I'm thinking David Greenwalt has a serious Sam Raimi Complex going on. Who's laughing now?
Hello, Joshua Junior. Jake is in the background as a knowledgeable agent tells the class that the EMP has a two-mile blast radius. Fortunately, since the EMP was made in Canada... er, the United States, the fail-safes are known. One is "an encrypted warning beacon" that sends a signal when the bomb is armed. The time lapse from arming to detonation is 20 minutes. The other fail-safe "doesn't necessarily work in our favor." The wrong codes accelerate the timer, and that isn't good. The bad guy is identified as Abdul Tiranzi, chief weapons expert (CWE?) of Al Juhuara. Beckett checks his background and finds out the lovely fact that bad NSA intel led the Israelis to accidentally kill Tiranzi's brother, a professor in Gaza. Oops. "So now he's really pissed." I'd say so. Beckett wants Tiranzi's photograph out in the field, but too late. The beacon beeps, and the bomb has been armed. Duh nuh!
Kyle and three other agents leave to track the EMP bomb. Not only are Jake's producers recycling sets but they also use the EXACT SAME FOOTAGE of a speeding car (it was used when Kyle and Jake drove to the plane crash). Diane, in the lab, checks Jake's personal personal digital assistant and looks alarmed. Beckett continues to monitor the EMP bomb as is moves down 19th. The clock is down to 12 minutes. Jake paces back and forth, clearly feeling useless. Diane enters Hello, Joshua Junior and asks Jake if he's okay. She holds up the PPDA and says his blood pressure is a little high. When she tries to take his pulse, Jake pulls away and says he's tired of doing nothing and Kyle thinks Jake will never be ready. Diane defends Kyle and tells Jake that after the tiny, tiny robot infection, Kyle was "the one who wanted to make you an agent. He knew how badly you wanted this."
More tracking. Three cars converge on a bike messenger, who protests that he only ran a stop sign (heh), and recover the silver briefcase. But there's a problem: the case only includes a transmitter. No EMP bomb. At that moment, a multitude of beacon signals appear on the electronic map of the D.C. area. "He's replicating the warning beacon," Beckett says.
Every available man and woman are sent out to check the locations. Each agent finds nothing but a silver briefcase with a transmitter. Only Jake, Diane, and a skeleton crew remain at Hello, Joshua Junior. Jake thinks that the drawing out of agents is "too obvious," and he quickly figures out that the NSA itself is the target. The EMP bomb detonated at the agency would create "a worldwide security blackout." Diane wonders how Tiranzi could get in the building. Jake knows. And so do we. Cut to (heh) Tiranzi using Sandstorm's severed hand to gain access. After a beep or two, Tiranzi throws the now useless hand into a nearby trash can. I wonder if it's the same prop that they used during Lindsey's operation on Angel. Hey, they recycle footage and sets—why not reuse fake hands? It would be gross... but frugal.
Jake and Diane check the records and find out that Sandstorm's hand was admitted to the mainframe on Level Five. Jake runs out, yelling at Diane to call Kyle and evacuate the building. Diane looks frazzled. Tiranzi enters the room that houses the mainframe, and he arms the bomb. Jake sees him and ducks out of sight of the doorway. Jake checks again, and Tiranzi is nowhere to be seen. Like a fool in a horror movie (Dude! There's only one door, and you're coming through it!), Jake tiptoes to the bomb. Beep. Beep. Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs the bomb, and the timer stops at 18:55. Then the timer speeds up. Whoops—wrong code. Jake picks up the briefcase and kind of duck walks (heh) out of the room into the corridor as a siren blares and a woman's voice issues orders for evacuation. The hallway is still empty. Jake doesn't get far as Tiranzi backfists him in the face. Ouch! Jake drops the bomb and falls to the floor. Tiranzi lands a hard kick to Jake's stomach. Another. Stop it! At least it's not the face.
Tiranzi intones, "I'll have days, maybe weeks... with nobody watching. Your world will never be the same." One last kick to the midsection, and it throws Jake into a small, empty room. Jake manages to shut the door. When Tiranzi opens the door, Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-pushes him across the hall and right through glass door. Jake, limping and all cut up (he looks worse than Sandstorm did after the plane crash!), carries the bomb to the Tom Welling safe. He zihzihzihzihzuh-unlocks it (combination 6034217), opens the heavy door, and throws in the briefcase. He can't manage to get the door shut completely, so a bit of the electromagnetic pulse escapes. Jake collapses to the floor as the lights go out. The emergency lighting kicks in immediately, and Jake's POV shows us fuzzy vision with not-fun-at-all tracers. I don't think the tiny, tiny robots liked that EMP very much. Jake lurches to his feet and Igors—he looks like a demented hunchback—and uh oh! Tiranzi is not amongst the broken glass. A hapless security guard suddenly appears and tells Jake that he shouldn't be there. Tiranzi grabs the guard around the neck, yanks the guard's gun from its holster, and starts shooting at Jake.
Jake runs. Tiranzi follows. Jake stops to make sure that Tiranzi sees him, and leads our Villain of The Week right into the simulator room. After shooting at phantom Jakes aplenty, the real Jake approaches Tiranzi as the simulator winds down. Tiranzi fires, but the hammer clicks. Carrying a lead pipe, Jake cowboys, "You should always count your shots. Twelve in the mag"—WHACK! Jake hits Tiranzi in the face with the pipe—"and one in the pipe." Heh. Jake's eyes roll back as he falls heavily to his knees next to the unconscious Tiranzi.
NSA computer seal. Drink! In the laboratory Diane checks Jake and his tiny, tiny robots. She tells him he's lucky; any more of the pulse and he might have died. All he needs now is a little programming. Jake thanks Diane for believing in him and "putting up with me." Diane nervouses that they're in it together. Kyle summons the two of them to Beckett.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Beckett tells Jake that she lost "three very gifted agents. Fortunately, I found one, too. Congratulations, Agent Foley." Jake grins hugely as Beckett shakes his hand. Kyle asks him how he knew Tiranzi's target was the NSA. Jake "looked beyond the obvious." "Oh," Kyle smiles. Aw. Hero-mentor bonding. Diane actually punches Jake in the arm before she squeals her congratulations. Theirloveissothirdgrade. Other agents offer words of praise, and Jake takes it all in, a bit bewildered but psyched as well.
Jake's now unpacked apartment. The television signal is still clear and Jake sets the lamp Diane gave him on his desk. A knock at the door. It's the cable guy (Not Jim Carey! Nooo!). Jake asks him to wait a second, and zihzihzihzihzuh-scrambles the cable.
© deeablo 2003
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