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Jake 2.0 Ep 1.3: When Wigs Attack!
Tuesday, September 30 @ 13:23:10 EDT
By Deeablo
"Cater Waiter"
Note: As this craptastic episode aired, the Dave Matthews Band was playing a concert in New York City's Central Park. Coincidence?
Previously on Jake 2.0: The exact same previouslys. Well, that was easy to summarize!
Satellite in space. Clouds. Pan down from an overcast (in Vancouver?) streets. Jake—wearing jeans, a gray tee-shirt, and a toffee-colored long sleeved shirt—runs down the center line of a Canadian (sorry, District of Columbia) street. He moves out of the street (good call), runs on a sidewalk, and then shortcuts through an alley. A bright yellow Mustang convertible suddenly appears in Jake's path. He zihzihzihzihzuh-jumps over the hood of the car. The driver, a "punk" with a fauxhawk and a tattoo on his neck, raises his sunglasses and stares at Jake with amazement. His "punk" girlfriend—clad in a plaid derby cap, too much lipstick and J-Lo BluBlockers—looks bored. Jake nods, and continues his workout. Another sidewalk, and Jake is on the move. Jake sees that the Maryland Street crosswalk signal is showing the Big Red Hand, so he zihzihzihzihzuh-zooms through the traffic signal's circuitry and changes the symbol to the Whitelight Walking Man. We zihzihzihzihzuh-zoom out as Jake jogs through the intersection. He soon arrives at the PUBLIC LIBRARY. Is he on a mission? Why else would he run so quickly and recklessly through the city streets? Oh, the suspense.
I hope y'all can sense my sarcasm, because Jake is at the library for one reason and one reason only. That reason, his Number One Crush, Sarah, comes down the library steps and out the front doors. "Jake!" "Sarah!" She asks him what he's doing there. Well, it is a public library, genius, and holy cats what is that extra next to Jake wearing? Some sort of floppy white hat does not distract from the fact that her horribly patterned shirt is tied in a too-cute knot above her black trousers. Jake, who has obviously been working on better cover stories, importants that he is "researching some case laws, privacy issues [heh, as he's totally stalking Sarah], e-mail, NSA stuff." Sarah is there researching "soybeans," and she tells him that he'll never get anywhere, as the library closes early on Sundays. I know Sarah is supposed to be a congressional aide, but who wears a white oxford shirt and a beige miniskirt to the library on a SUNDAY? Girl's gotta own at least one pair of leggings, if not several pairs of sweat pants.
As y'all obviously can tell, this recap is heavy on the clothes descriptions. Not only to distract myself from the awful "plot," but also because there's a lot of fashion—or lack thereof—going on. Be prepared.
Anyhoo, Jake feigns disbelief and disappointment, and then asks Sarah to join him for coffee. At an outdoor cafe, they relive their Georgetown days as Jake recounts story involving tequila and puking on Lincoln's shoes. No, really. I'm taking any tequila references as shout-outs to dearly departed Czuchry. Sarah shares, "We were better with beer." Aren't we all? She then obviouses that Jake has changed a lot since university, and a lot of it is recent. He's more confident, but there's something else and she says she can't quite put her finger on it. All this talk of fingering prompts Jake to say, "I've been working out a little bit." "Can't tell," Sarah replies. Then she laughs and apologizes, saying that he totally set that one up for her. More jocularity (it doesn't really feel like flirting, and am I the only one who thinks Sarah's smiles make her look kind of scary?) as Jake looks pleased to have the object of his affections attacking his lack of manliness.
Night. Cadillac SUV driving along rainslicked (in Vancouver?) streets. The bridge is closed, but the two men in the SUV don't see the sign. A semi almost hits them head on, and as the SUV driver brakes to a halt two SUVs appear behind the Caddy. The driver quickly reverses, but he and his passenger are soon trapped between the truck and the Chinese SWAT team that exits the cars. Agent ShavedHeadsAreNotAGoodLookForEveryone tries to contact his superiors, but the hijackers are blocking his signal. Agent SHANAGLFE reassures the British man in the back seat that they're safe. "The glass is completely bulletproof. The body is a zinc-alloy steel. They're not getting in here." The Chinese, no dummies, start drilling a hole in the body of the SUV. The rightfully panicked passenger opens his briefcase and starts downloading information to disks. The Chinese finish drilling and pump a gas into the car's interior. The agent coughs and tries to tell the British guy that they will only be arrested if they get out of the SUV. Uh huh. Agent SHANAGLFE leaves the car and the earthly realm as he is plugged with bullets from an automatic. The leader of the team then approaches the passenger and says "Give it to me." I think he's talking about the briefcase, but hey. You never know. Who would have thought the Chinese were as flirty as the Irish? The teaser ends with a far shot of the vehicles on the bridge, with the interior of the Caddy illuminated by gunfire as the passenger will never ride and ride again.
Credits. NSA seal. Drink! "Then one day it all changed." Thanks, Jake. Man, the theme music sucks mightily.
Washington Obelisk. Reflecting pool. Lincoln's memorial, where Abe's shoes hopefully are vomitfree. Capitol. NSA seal. Drink! "Go left at the next street," Diane voiceovers. She and Jake are in the lab, and Jake is playing some sort of GTA-esque game on XBox. Diane wants to stop the exercise, but Jake says he's almost to the Eiffel Tower. He zihzihzihzihzuh-boosts the console's effectiveness, and the game speeds up. Jake enthuses, "Hold on, hold on, There it is! Almost there. Come on. There it is, there it is! Yeah. Oh yeah!" The XBox shorts out and explodes a bit, and the viewing audience is spent. Okay, who needs a cigarette? Diane tells him the point of the exercise was not to beat the game but to learn how to control the tiny, tiny robots. A bit of banter before Jake reveals that he had a good weekend and might have had a date. "A sorta kinda date. That sounds intriguing," Diane mumbles. Jake obliviously gushes how "yesterday at lunch"—what library closes at noon on a Sunday?—he and Sarah hit it off. Diane then says, "My advice to you?" Funny, since Jake didn't ask her for her input. "Don't push too hard." Ooooh.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Beckett says the attack was perfect and identifies the dead passenger as John Ramsey. Jon-BenÈt's daddy? "He was transporting preliminary schematics for a next generation composite tank." Is that some sort of dunk tank at a state fair featuring Wil Wheaton on the platform? I'll bet Wil has a lot of mad insults saved up to taunt any ball throwers, yo. Wait, my bad, it's a MILITARY tank made of "plastic and glass fiber" and is 70 percent lighter than boring, made-from-steel-and-other-stuff tanks. Beckett tells Kyle that the heist could possibly involve the Chinese and asks him the last time he saw Mei Ling. He tersely replies that it's been two and a half years and "I can't help you." Beckett reminds him that Mei Ling is the NSA's most senior double agent (is that anything like double secret probation?). Kyle asks about Mei Ling's most recent handlers, and Beckett tells him there's "no one's she's been nearly as forthcoming with." And by forthcoming, Beckett means nekkid. Kyle doesn't want to contact her, but Beckett reminds him that the schematics could be smuggled out of the States by diplomatic pouch. Hee—"pouch." Kyle turns and asks, "Are you ordering me to do this?" Beckett stares at him, not answering. She wants to monitor the meeting because that's the protocol, but Kyle vetoes that idea saying that Mei Ling "reads a room" better than anyone he knows "She can sniff out any agent." There's a pretty visual. Whatever will they do?
Why, send Jake along to the modern art gallery where the meeting will take place. Sigh. This episode is full of these Not In Any Way Misleading Misleads, and I'm already sick of them. First Jake running to meet Sarah at the library, and now this. Anyway, Jake approaches a blonde woman (how predictable) and actually says to her, "They call this art?" The extra walks away, as would almost everyone if put in that situation. Jake turns to see Kyle sitting on a leather bench in the middle of the room. And here comes our special guest star of the week, Bai Ling. Or, as I'm going to call her, Bad Wig. Seriously, y'all, that's some heinous mess atop her noggin. I know UPN is the network that brings us The Mullets, but must the hair disasters permeate every other show as well? Some of you might remember Bad Wig, not so fondly, from the Angel episode "She." [Hee. The one with Dancing Angel and Dancing Wesley. I've blocked everything else.—Illyria] To make up for the fright wig covering her skull, she is wearing a lovely off-the-shoulder black dress with an asymmetrical hem, and her shoes are sweet. She sits on the bench with her back to Kyle, and opens the gambit by speaking Chinese. Kyle responds in kind. She says she knows he's in trouble. Kyle exposits about the missing intel. There's a good angle here showing them in profile. He's sitting up fairly straight, and she is slouching a bit but still manages to look sexy. I am drooling for her footwear. Three framed pictures above and behind them add a contrast. Bad Wig says she knows nothing as a boy with a yo-yo (a yo-yo? What is this, the 1950s?) walks through the foreground and breaks the shot. Kyle asks when Bad Wig became a "patriot." She bitches that it was two and a half years ago and could tell him the exact date if he doesn't remember. Burn! Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-eavesdrops from across the room as Kyle says he remembers. Kyle then offers Bad Wig full asylum and expenses for five years, which, according to Jake's incredulous reaction, wasn't part of the original deal. "This is work, [Bad Wig]," Kyle tells her. "I've never failed you there." Bad Wig demands two million dollars as well, and suggests he work quickly: the schematics, which are currently housed in the archives of the Chinese Embassy in a secure corridor, are to be removed tonight by "diplomatic pouch." Hee. There's a reception at the embassy, and Kyle will be Bad Wig's guest. Bad Wig gets up to leave, Kyle grabs her hand, and the two of them directly look at each other for the first time in guess how many years? "You haven't changed," he clichÈs. She says that he hasn't changed either, and the meeting is over.
Kyle and Jake leave the gallery and Jake rambles that Kyle and Bad Wig "have a Casablanca thing going on." Kyle just strides purposefully, obviously trying to recover from the encounter. Jake adds "I have this situation with someone from my past... " Riiiight, because Jake's college history with the increasingly bland Sarah has everything in common with a hot and twisted love affair between two spies that included espionage, betrayal, and trysts on at least three continents. Kyle eyes shoot daggers at Jake, and Jake answers, "Right, you don't care." Bwa!
Beckett's office. The NSA flag has been replaces with the stars and stripes, so no drinks for us, no matter how much we might want or need one. Kyle says Bad Wig set the terms. Beckett reminds him and the audience that he is no longer a field agent. His cover was blown two years ago, and if he's caught at the embassy (which is the same as being on foreign soil), there's nothing the NSA can do about it. Jake steps up to defend Kyle, saying that "She [Bad Wig] only wants Kyle. . . to do this." Snerk. Beckett asks Kyle if he trusts Bad Wig. His cryptic reply: "I trust her enough." What the hell does that mean? Enough for what? Enough to not skin him alive in the parking lot? Gak!
Jake and Diane walk through a hallway. Diane is worried for Jake because this is like nothing Jake has done before. At the Chinese Embassy, "They have guns, and guards, and foreign languages. I mean, anything could go wrong, Jake." Jake says he's nervous enough about his first mission, and Diane isn't helping. Hello, Joshua Junior. Kyle's cover is Felix Garay, a Venezuelan oil executive. A three-dimensional blueprint of the embassy grounds and building appears on the large screen. At 10 P.M., Bad Wig will pass Kyle a security card. At this point, Bad Wig must be removed from the embassy to insure her safety. Agent DeGrassi (okay, so it's actually Agent DeGrasso, but I can't resist) will drive her out in a catering truck. Kyle points out the cameras he has to pass once he gains access to the secure corridor. The security guards change shifts at 10:30, which is where Jake comes he. Jake grins, all excited. Diane tells the team that "Jake will interface with the security recording devices" and rewind them 30 minutes. The hallways will look empty, and this will allow Kyle to get to the basement as retrieve the schematics. Jake, stoked, starts suggesting his cover: another oil executive (he speaks a little Spanish), royalty ("Too obvious?"—hee!), billionaire software tycoon? Beckett, not unkindly, reminds him that the NSA creates an agent's cover.
Cut to Jake fastening cufflinks, buttoning a tuxedo shirt, putting on a watch, adjusting a bow tie, and putting on a white jacket. I'm surprised they aren't using ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man" as background music. Jake walks through the embassy, thinking he looks like Cary Grant but really resembling an ice cream vendor. He leans against a railing and looks down three levels to the ballroom below. A similarly dressed man taps Jake on the shoulder and asks, "Hors d'oeuvres?" Then, smarmily, "They don't serve themselves." Jake is undercover as not an oil executive, not royalty, not a tycoon, but as a waiter! Oh, how they didn't fool me in any way, shape, or form. Not In Any Way Misleading Mislead #3 takes us to commercial.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Beckett tells Diane that Kyle, Jake, and Agent DeGrassi have special markers so their heat signatures can be differentiated from the rest of the reception guests. Diane can tell by the personal personal data assistant she uses to track Jake's vitals that he is extremely nervous. Cut to Jake sloooowly walking down the stairs carrying a tray of champagne glasses. It reminds me of The Amazing Race Fast Forward in Vienna when the father and son team of Steve and Josh each had to each carry a tray of champagne glasses across a ballroom full of waltzing couples. Jake has an easier time, but not by much. When someone bumps him, Jake fumbles the tray until Kyle helps him steady it. Jake's catering boss snips at Jake to "Stop and go. Stop and go . . ." Kyle, looking very dapper in his classic black tuxedo, sees Bad Wig at the top of the stairs. Her hair is still awful, but she's clad in a tight red dress with thin straps. Kyle appreciates her as she approaches him.
Jake sets down his trashladen tray and starts gathering empty plates. Sarah, of course, is at the reception and apparently recognizes Jake by the back of his head. Now, unless they hooked up in an extremely naughty manner at Georgetown, how can she identify him without seeing his face? Thinking quickly, Jake grabs a glass of champagne and greets Sarah. She says, "Okay, this is freaking me out. I keep running into you everywhere." She chalks it up to fate, and tells him he fills out his tux quite nicely. Is she drunk? Sarah takes Jake by the arm and tells him he has to try the wild mushroom tarts. "I've had a whole tray," he tells her. Heh.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Diane's PPDA tells her that Jake's blood pressure is rising and "his adrenals are activated." I'll just bet they are. Diane wants to take Jake out of there, but Beckett reminds her that the mission hasn't even started yet.
Embassy ballroom. Sarah complains that she's at the reception to find the perfect opportunity to approach Congressman Williams from the agriculture committee. There's a farm bill she wants him involved with, and do we care? Nope. Sarah realizes she's boring Jake and the rest of us and blames it on one glass too many of Clicquot Veuve. Jake sees his snippy catering boss and avoids him by dragging Sarah to the dance floor.
Bad Wig and Kyle are already there, moving together. He twists her a bit and she tries to execute a spin. She stumbles a bit, though, and the editors try to convince us it never happened by cutting awkwardly back to Kyle. It's pretty funny, especially because he immediately says he hasn't danced in a while and she says "I couldn't tell." Ha! Another twirl, this one successful, and Kyle brings Bad Wig against him, his chest to her back. Really, who dances this way at an embassy party? These two are supposed to be all tragicsexy, but there is no chemistry between them. At all. I am distracted by Bad Wig's beige lipstick. She's wearing a red dress; why are her lips so neutral? And speaking of the dress, Kyle tells her he remembers it from Hong Kong. "And I wasn't even wearing it very long," she stilts. Oh, the heat. I've got the vapors.
Sarah notices the complete lack of tension (except she interprets the inaction as "get a room"), and Jake is a bit displeased that Kyle is getting some "play" and he isn't. He says something about "being caught in the moment," and Sarah makes moondrunk eyes at Jake. Bad Wig draws Kyle's hand down her chest to the top of her dress. Kyle palms the security card, but he has to do it badly so the audience can see it. Bad Wig suddenly clutches his hand to her chest. "Right now, if you had to choose, the mission or me . . ." Kyle, not answering, removes his hand and smoothly puts the card in his front pocket. He tells Bad Wig that the waiter behind him is going to take her out of there. Bad Wig leaves the dance floor and presumably leaves with Agent DeGrassi.
Sarah and Jake, still dancing. Jake spots Sarah's "mark," but she doesn't want to work tonight. She wants to forget her job and have fun, you know, like in college? Dude, you graduated four years ago. Get over it. She blathers about how they used to get a six-pack and go to the Lincoln Memorial. Jake says that sounds "perfect." Before Jake can get his swerve on, however, Kyle salts his game by asking for a drink refill. Jake sends Kyle a few eyedaggers of his own as Sarah realizes Jake is not a guest.
At the bar, Jake stands next to Kyle and orders a rye. Damn, Kyle drinks rye? I wonder if he also likes a little honky tonk and heavy petting. Jake whines about the necessity of blowing Jake's cover cover, and Kyle condescends that Jake can't get distracted. Jake retorts that Kyle might not be concentrating fully on the mission either. Kyle says any feelings he has for Bad Wig are irrelevant. And it's showtime, so suck it up. Jake moves back to the dance floor and looks at an overhead camera. A black-and-white monitor in the security office shows Jake looking up. The security guard on duty turns to welcome his coworker, who has scored a dish or grub from the party for himself and his buddy. Nice.
Hello, Joshua Junior. A big clock reads 10:28:23. Diane and Beckett watch the heat signatures and see that Kyle and Jake are in position. For the mission, you sickies. Geez!
Of course Sarah, who is wearing a nice black dress with crossing straps in the back, approaches Jake within 90 seconds of his first mission. She tells him it's okay that he's moonlighting as a waiter for extra money and "You don't have to pretend with me." Jake, stressed and knowing the clock is ticking, confesses, "I'm an undercover agent. I'm here on a huge mission." Sarah smiles scarily and thinks that's "hilarious." She asks Jake what time he gets off. Cough. Jake uhs "Less than an hour." Sarah tells him to meet her at the Lincoln Memorial in 30 minutes. She'll bring the beer. She leaves, and Jake's heart about explodes. He looks at his watch.
Hello, Joshua Junior. 10:29:22. The actual time elapsed is 65 seconds, but at least they tried to make it match. Kyle. Jake. At exactly 10:30, Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-interfaces with the security system and rewinds the film. The guards, sharing the embassy grub, don't notice the glitch. Kyle watches the red light on the camera go out, sets the timer on his watch for 30 minutes, and enters a hallway.
Jake smiles, his work done. OR IS IT? Snippy, the wonder catering boss, asks him what he's doing. Jake says, "I'm quitting." he takes a glass of champagne from Snippy, sips a bit, winks, and walks away. Hee!
Kyle uses the security card to gain access to the archive. At Hello, Joshua Junior, Kyle disappears from the satellite imagery of the embassy. Beckett says Kyle is in, and Diane smiles nervously and plays with her necklace. Kyle checks his watch and see he has 27 minutes left.
Jake walks outside the embassy. He's smiling, probably thinking about Sarah and the fact the mission went well. He slows down, however, when he sees that the catering truck is still parked outside of the embassy. Beckett gets a phone call telling her that Bad Wig never made it to the safe house. Beckett asks about the driver. Jake opens the back of the catering truck and discovers Agent DeGrassi, dead. Kyle, finally in the archives, opens a black briefcase trimmed in silver (that must be China's version of the American shiny silver briefcase) and double-checks for the schematics. He smiles, closes the case, and walks right into Bad Wig and two henchmen. "Unfortunately, you made the wrong choice." This coming from a woman with a heinous 'do and mismatched lipstick? Kyle lands a few punches, but one of the goons pistol whips him (with another automatic!).
When we return, we seen one of the goons giving Kyle an injection. In preparation for torture, Bad Wig and her cronies have thoughtfully removed Kyle's jacket, unbuttoned his collar, and untied his tie. I'd think that a tight collar could be quiet painful. Kyle's arms are tied to the arms of the chair, and his ankles are tied together. Kyle tilts his head back as the truth serum floods his system. Lord, the man has some big nostrils. Blah blah I could have gotten you out. Blah blah delivering you is my final mission. Blah blah could have had a life together. Blah blah you would have been dead. Honestly, whatever. I so don't care.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Beckett tells Diane that Kyle's "intel on our mainland agents is far more important to the Chinese than the schematics." Phone call for Beckett. "Agent DeGrass[i] is dead." What, Jake, no hello?
Beckett tells Jake that his cover is still intact, and Jake should just walk out the front gates. A team will meet him there. Jake asks about Kyle, and Beckett says they haven't heard from him. Jake says he can't just leave Kyle. Beckett, directly contradicting what she told Diane only moments earlier, lies that Kyle is an experienced agent who can take care of himself. Beckett tells Jake to pretend he's talking to a friend on the cell phone and to walk toward the gates.
Kyle tells Bad Wig that he intercepted a message that Chinese intelligence thought Bad Wig was working with the Americans. They had snipers waiting outside a hotel in Seville. If Kyle had showed up for their planned rendezvous, if he had even set foot in the city, the snipers would have killed Bad Wig. He was trying to save her life. "I love you." That's a good line; is she biting? Nope. She tells him it's too late and leaves, but not before looking back regretfully. Torture Goon opens his soft, gray briefcase (again, no shiny silver? hmph.) to reveal various torture implements.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Diane and Beckett track Jake. He chatters some nonsense to Beckett when he stops and zihzihzihzihzuhs. He hears Kyle saying "You're not getting anything" and tells Beckett that Kyle is in the basement. Beckett realizes that the "whole thing" was a set-up to get Kyle. She demands that Jake gets out of there. However, Jake can't do that. He hangs up the phone and strolls back into the embassy.
Torture Goon gets in Kyle's face "All you have to do it give me names." Kyle, predictably, spits in Torture Goon's face. Torture Goon, just as predictably, wipes the spittle from his face with a white handkerchief, and walks to his sadistic buffet. He chooses a huge taser and twirls it like a billy club. Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs though the security entrance and disappears from the satellite imaging. Interestingly, Diane also loses the readings on Jake's PPDA.
Torture Goon caresses the side of Kyle's face with the taser and murmurs something about "75,000 volts." Kyle is stonily silent. Torture Goon slides the taser down and zaps Kyle just above the belt. Yeouch! Jake has arrived in time to watch the Kyle fricassee before ducking back out of sight of the doorway. Torture Goon shuts off the taser and asks Kyle for the names. Kyle go-to-hells him, and Torture Goon says "No worries. I have all night." He goes back to his case, puts down the taser, and chooses a smallish knife. As he turns his back to the door, Jake rushes in but stupidly yells, "HEY!" He tries to punch Torture Goon, but Torture Goon dodges and Jake buries his fist in a wooden filing cabinet. Whoops.
Torture Goon Punches Jake and then swings a roundhouse kick to the face. A leg to Jake's side, and Torture Goon has driven Jake from the room into the hallway. Another roundhouse kick to the face, and we see that Jake's bow tie is one of those already tied kind. Nice detail, costume department. Oh yeah, back to the pummeling. Boot to the head (yah! yah!). Boot to the head (yah! yah!). Torture Goon switches it up a little with a kick to the torso, but then goes back to what works. Boot to the head. Boot to the head. Jake, bloody and slumped against a wall, finally gets mad. The tiny, tiny robots fire up the bloodstream in his brain (try not to think about the science, okay?), and Jake blocks the next kick and gets off a punch as well. Jake then zihzihzihzihzuh-scores a direct hit to Torture Goon's solar plexus, and the impact sends him flat against a wall. Jake is ready for more, fists up, but the bad guy is finished. Apparently the force pushed Torture Goon through some wall reinforcements, which stabbed him in various and numerous places. Now he dead from spokes. Jake is horrified by his first kill, but he doesn't have time to dwell on it. His wristwatch beeps. The 30 minutes are up, and the cameras click back on in real time. The guard gets an eyeful of Jake and Torture Goon on the monitor, and sounds the alarm.
Sirens blare and red lights flash as Jake limps back to Kyle. He grabs a knife from the Torture Buffet, and slices through the rope at one of Kyle's wrists. Kyle tells him that there's no way out, Jake says, "Sure there is," and cuts the bindings at Kyle's ankles. Before Jake can cut the final restraint, Kyle grabs Jake's wrist and says, "I want you to stab me in the throat as hard as you can." Jake whats. "They make me talk, people will die," Kyle grits. "This is what being an agent is all about. Now do your job." Gee, will Jake do as he's told and kill his mentor? Yawn. Is that lemon cake over there?
Back from commercial, we see that Jake has surprisingly refused to sever Kyle's jugular. "My job... is to get you out of here." Jake cuts the rope and he and Kyle limp off into the hallway, leaning on each other for support. Kyle pessimists that there's nowhere to hide. Jake disagrees, and zihzihzihzihzuh-blows the power behind a HIGH VOLTAGE sign just as four uniformed guards enter the archives hallway. Jake pulls Kyle behind a center wall as the corridor plunges into darkness. Kyle's previous exposure to high voltage must have shorted out his brain because he says he can't see anything. Duh. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-infrareds to see the guards pass his and Kyle's hiding place. After the guards are gone, Jake taps Kyle's shoulder, and the two men double back.
Hello, Joshua Junior. Diane notices the sudden reappearance of Kyle's and Jake's sign thermal signatures on the satellite board. Beckett can't believe they're alive. Back at the embassy, Jake and Kyle have exited an unguarded basement door. Kyle, again with the brain damage, asks Jake, "How are we doing this?" Jake sees a parked Cadillac and product placements, "They're completely computerized, right?" Whatever will happen next? If you guessed the car turns on, you'd be right! The guards turn and see the car, which starts moving toward the guards, who have their guns aimed at the Caddy. The car stops after a few feet. Then it moves forward a little more. It stops again. Then it heads toward the embassy gates, where it stops. As a final move, the Jake-controlled car reverses back into its original parking spot. At this point, and not a moment before, the guards open fire. Seriously, y'all: what the fuck? Why didn't the guards shoot the car immediately? Why didn't they shoot the car as it passed them on its way to the closed gates? Why not shoot at the tires? Why wait until the car has stopped moving? GAH!
After emptying dozens of rounds, the guards cautiously approach the car. It must be like that bulletproof glass, zinc-alloy metal SUV in the teaser because the Cadillac shows no damage. The guards open the front doors, and of course no one is inside. At this point, and not a moment before, Kyle and Jake make a break for it. Yeah, why run when the guards are actually DISTRACTED? To make matters worse, the men aren't looking where they are running, instead choosing to watch the guards inspect the car. That makes it easy for Bad Wig to get the drop on them. She's standing in the middle of the pavement next to the embassy with a gun pointed at them. Except for the wig and lipstick, she looks FABULOUS. This woman knows how to hold a gun.
Of course, no one notices this little drama playing out in plain sight. Bad Wig slowly walks to Kyle, as Jake backs away (but not that far, maybe only five feet). Bad Wig approaches Kyle, drops the gun, and instigates what has got to be one of the most awkward screen kisses since Wesley and Cordelia locked lips on Buffy. Jake looks away; we wish we could. Kyle tells Bad Wig to come with him, but she refuses. Jake drags Kyle to the catering truck, and Kyle exchanges not-smoldering glances with Bad Wig as guards run up behind her and start shooting at the truck. Man, I LOVE her dress.
Kyle asks Jake, who is driving, if he's going to open the electronic gates. "Nope," Jake smirks, and lives out every spyboy's fantasy by crashing through them instead. At Hello, Joshua Junior, Beckett gets the news that the fellas are out. Diane is visibly relieved and Beckett reassures her by saying, "That fear thing? It never goes away." Diane nods. This scene had this whole women-waiting-by-helplessly-as-their-men-did-the-dangerous-work vibe I didn't really like.
Lincoln Memorial. It's dawn. Kyle and Jake sit on the steps drinking some beer—I can't see the label. Because I'm near the end and feeling lazy, I'll just transcribe their conversation.
Kyle: On the beach. She was wearing a white dress. No shoes.
Jake: Georgetown, freshman year. I have no idea what she was wearing. I just remember her eyes.
Kyle: She held a gun to my head. Then she kissed me.
Jake: I never kissed her.
The two men look at a greenscreen of the Washington Obelisk and its likeness in the Reflecting Pool, and ponder the ways of women.
What about the schematics? Were they recovered? Destroyed? Should we be worried that the intel could be in someone's diplomatic pouch (heh) right now? Did the media cover the gate crashing? What about the effect of this fiasco on future relations between China and Canada... er, the United States? Did Sarah ever show up at the Lincoln Memorial? If so, did she bring good beer? I'm thinking that Sarah considers skunky crap like Heineken to be good beer.
© deeablo 2003
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