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Jake 2.0 Ep 1.6 - A Little Ditty 'Bout Jake And Diane
Friday, October 24 @ 02:59:47 EDT
By Deeablo
"Last Man Standing"
Previously on Jake 2.0: There were no previouslies. However, tonight we get a whole new montage! Diane uses a personal personal digital assistant to keep track of Jake's vitals. He's "technology at its best." Sarah. Ugh. Czuchry (Czuchry! Why do the producers deliberately toy with me? Bastages) exposits, "Georgetown Sarah? Lived-in-the-same-dorm-for-four-years-and-never-asked-her-out Sarah?" A shoot-out in the laboratory caused two deaths as well as Jake's nasty nanite infection. Diane points out how the tiny, tiny robots aligned along Jake's central nervous system to establish contact with his brain. She also explains, "Some of the [nanite-infected] lab mice experienced muscle spasms. In rare cases, they rejected the nanites and the results... not good." Jake wonders what is going to happen to him. I wonder why there is no mention of the electromagnetic pulse bomb that almost wiped out the NSA, Jake rescuing Kyle from the Chinese Embassy, Theresa the Terrorist, Yori the Hacker, or anything else that happened in Episodes 2-5.
Wait. Is that entirely new satellite footage? It is. It looks like the eastern coast of North America. As we zoom in, the subtitles helpfully translate the Italian being spoken. "I received your message. I will met you at the restaurant." NSA building. Diane, listening to some sort of learn-to-speak-Italian CD, repeats these phrases in Italiano as she enters the lab. She flips open a laptop, puts her bag next to it, and removes her headphones. She walks over to the mouse cages, and greets them by name (the mice, not their cages). Lorenzo and Maria are fine, but Antonio isn't moving. A flustered Diane runs back to her bag and pulls out Jake's PPDA. There's no movement on the screen. Diane dials Jake's number, but the line in busy. In a clever shot, the camera focuses on the phone's keypad as Diane rushes out of the lab. When the camera pulls back, we're in Jake's apartment. Why he has the same make and model telephone of one in the NSA laboratory we'll never know. Quickly panning past the desk lamp Diane gave him [Continuity? What the?], we see a bike against a wall before seeing Jake on the couch. He's wearing a white tee-shirt, and his head is tilted back against the back of the sofa. His eyes are closed, and I am not looking at his neck. Another quick pan to Jake's window. Through it we see a gray car hurtling through the alley. The car flies across the sidewalk, including the grass strip between it and the street, and screeches to a stop at the opposite curb. The stunt driver... er, the agent driving the car, Kyle, and Diane run into Jake's building. The camera pulls back through Jake's window and turns and focuses on our unconscious hero. Nice work here with the quick pans and edits creating a seamless-looking shot. And now I'm really not looking at Christopher Gorham's neck. Agent StuntDriver and Kyle burst into Jake's apartment, guns drawn, as Jake sits up, obviously startled and obviously okay. He's also sweaty and disoriented. Ahem. Diane is confused and says, "I was worried about you. I checked your vitals and they showed--" She touches the PPDA's screen; it beeps twice. "Oh no," Diane mutters, looking horrified. "What?" Kyle exclaims, in his only line of the week. Does it count as a line if it's only one word? Diane breathes, "My screen is frozen." She is visibly relieved, Kyle exasperated, and Jake dumbfounded.
Credits. The pouty, superhunk shot of a mouthbreathing Jake at the end makes me laugh for some reason. Maybe because his coat collar is turned up?
Motionless Antonio on a tray. Diane asks her colleague Fran to run another diagnostic screen on the mouse. Outside, Beckett hovers expectantly. Diane apologizes to her for that morning's mix-up, but goes on to voice her concerns about Antonio's paralyzed state. At a computer monitor, Diane explains that paralysis as a side effect happened in rare occasions in "the beta version of the nanites but never before in this version." Both Antonio and Jake have this latest version, and Diane calls them twins. Beckett raises an eyebrow. Diane explains that Antonio and Jake were infected on the same day, and she is concerned. Beckett asks Diane if Jake has shown any symptoms. Almost before Diane stutters out a no, Beckett demands that "Dr. Hughes" tell her immediately if Jake is affected. "I can't afford to have Jake at risk in the field." Diane of courses, but she is worried. Beckett tells Diane to keep an eye on Jake, and Diane says it won't be easy.
Jake at work, looking at a monitor and talking to Sarah on a phone headset. The closed captioning includes her part of the conversation, but we don't hear it. Jake is "amazed" at the "coincidence" of he and Sarah being on "the exact same flight," which he booked only seconds before after getting her travel information. He does the same with reservations at the Bay Lodge (thanks, closed captioning!). This is healthy. Sarah suggests they share a car. Jake agrees and looks adorkable (TM MissWindy). Beckett approaches his work station and startles him into turning the screen away from her. Heh. Without the closed captioning, it looks as if Jake just cuts off the conversation with Sarah with no explanation. Double heh [Heh heh.]. Beckett glances at the back of the screen, decides not to waste her time, and orders Jake to her office. Jake jumps to obey, but is pulled back by his still-attached phone headset. Triple heh. [Heh heh heh.]
Beckett's office. Jake whines that he sent his vacation request to Human Resources three weeks ago. Beckett reminds him that HR does not know that Jake has half a billion dollars' worth of tiny, tiny robots in his body. People would do a lot to get their hands on Jake's... technology. It's only a wedding, Jake insists. Beckett claims he's still at risk. "From what, drunken bridesmaids?" Jake snarks. He wishes. He asks what's next: a chaperone with a sidearm? Permission to go potty? The first time I heard this I interpreted it as permission to go a bit daft, not permission to go to the bathroom. Who's potty now? Beckett assures him that any protection is for his own good, but Jake just wants a life away from all the drama and intrigue the producers didn't bother to show the audience in the previouslies. Jake is the best man in his friend's wedding. He just wants "two days of a normal life."
Cut to Jake waiting for Sarah outside of his apartment. He's practicing opening lines, which include, "it's great about Kev and Jen," "hey, Sarah, hey," and "go out sometime and cut the rug." Cut the rug? Smooth. What is he, a "Swing Kid? Actually, now that I picture it... Damn, there's the car. Sarah unveils her huge teeth as she hugs Jake and apologizes for being late. Her whitening appointment ran over. He manages to talk to her without putting one or both feet in his mouth and even almost asks her out. He reconsiders, "We have all day to talk." Jake climbs in the car and is immediately pressed against another man. Don't get excited; it's Alex, Sarah's date. Alex totally checks out Jake's crotch in this shot, by the way. Kyle would never approve. Sarah wants to sit in the middle (I'll bet she does), so she and Jake switch places as she exudes that this weekend will be so much fun! Ack.
Seattle. No tagline (did someone get fired over the "Phillipines" snafu?), but a shot of the Space Needle, an arena, and a ferry or two. Jake walks from the back of a manor house into the gardens. A Dave Matthews Band wannabe (is that better or worse than the actual Dave Matthews?) croons about "a great big house on a great big hill, and I would never know your name." The house and backyard are quite lovely, with a view of the mountains and the water. I think this is supposed to be the Bay Lodge, where Jake and Sarah (and Alex) are staying. Jake checks out the view and the extras as he descends the stairs. After a pan past a crystal punchbowl, Kev—the groom to be—"heys" Jake and the two men share a hug. Kev is a fireplug of a fella, which means Jake leans down a bit to embrace him. I empathize, man. "Can't believe you're still wearing that same old ratty jacket." Ouch! Especially considering that Kev is either rich himself or is marrying into money. It's good-natured teasing, though, as Jake immediately retorts, "I can't believe you're still losing your hair." Zing! Although, Christopher, honey, we've seen those running scenes. You're not exactly safe from that particular "doom" yourself. Blah blah can't believe you're getting married blah blah thought I'd be the last to go blah blah. Jake wonders if he's the only single person there. Kev thought he was coming to the wedding with Sarah. Well... Kev can't believe Jake hasn't told Sarah how he feels. It's kind of sweet that Kev has such faith in Jake's appeal to Sarah. Jake explains, "It's all about timing." "Years and years of timing," Kev snarks back. He says it happened with him and Jenny. Jake, not at all ironically, says, "You stalked her." Um, Jake? Come to the mirror, boy. "Whatever. She said yes," Kev pfffts, and any appeal he had is now out the window. What is this show teaching our nerdy, hapless children? Kev promises to return with his bride, who can't wait to see Jake.
D.C. Diane reviews Antonio's and Jake's data. She asks Fran to let her know first if Beckett asks any questions about the mice or Jake. Fran, who looks both understanding and worried, agrees.
Backyard reception. Sarah, wearing an odd print dress and holding a glass of wine (what? not beer?), waves to Jake from across the lawn. She is standing next to Alex. Her teeth outshine the sun. Jake waves back and mutters, "Yep. Havin' fun," to no one because he is standing by himself. Scanning the crowd, Jake notices a generically handsome and familiar-looking man staring at him. I recognize Generically Handsome as a baddie from Dark Angel, another show that shot in Vancouver. Jake 2.0 really utilizes the local acting pool, doesn't it? Who wants to start a write-in campaign to get Eric Johnson a guest appearance? If he wants one, that is. The bride-to-be, Jen, distracts Jake. Squealing (yes, ewww), she hugs Jake and breathes a sigh of relief at seeing a familiar face. Jake tells her she looks beautiful. He must be picturing her naked, for though she is a pretty woman, her dress with a large diamond pattern emerging from the center is hideous. She's also taller than the groom and says, "Geeks turn me on." She smooches Kev. I roll my eyes. Jen asks Jake about the best-man toast, and Jake admits he hasn't written it yet. The bride's mother steals her away for a confab with Aunt Lois, and Jake asks Kev about the guy across the lawn, the one who is walking away. He's been looking at Jake. Kev replies that it's his cousin Phil, a "weird dude." But hey—Phil is single!
Okay, a reception with a cut crystal punchbowl, glasses for wine, and being held at a schmancy hotel would NOT be using paper tablecloths, horrid blue and yellow paper plates with sunflowers on them, blue plastic dinnerware, and placecards made from typing paper. Seriously, it rivals a formal wedding I attended where the reception included potato salad served out of those giant plastic boxes you use to store your sweaters under your bed. No lie. Jake sees that the person sitting next to him is named "Sam." Popular shout-out? Sam is, indeed, a pretty brunette female, and Jake immediately holds out her chair for her. He dorks something about how they were supposed to meet but is stopped (too late!) by the arrival of Sam's "partner," Rachel, a big-breasted blonde in a halter top and miniskirt. Jake grits his teeth and curses Kev for putting him at the Lipstick Lesbian table.
Hotel hallway. Jake hears laughing, and recognizes it—like any good stalker would—as Sarah's. She and Alex are giggling about another guest ("Did you see that one? With the beard?") as they enter their room. Jake rolls his eyes—as do I; nice beard joke, writers—and goes to his room. We hear the buzzing, pulsing, crackling noise as Jake zihzihzihzihzuhs to hear their conversation. He stops himself, but the temptation is too great. The camera moves through Jake's keyhole (the keyhole of his door, you sickies), down the hall around a few corners, and stops at Alex and Sarah's room to overhear something about "tickling" before it zihzihzihzihzuh-zooms back to Jake. He puts pillows over his ears. The phone rings. It's Diane, who has noticed some nanite activity on Jake's PPDA. Jake bitches about being monitored at a wedding. Diane reminds him it's her job. Jake apologizes and says he's frustrated. Woo! I know a few volunteers who wouldn't mind helping you out, Jake. Frustrated because his friends are falling in love and having families and he's going "nowhere." Oh. Boo! Diane reassures him that his feelings are common, and she and her medical school chums coined a term for it: "single syndrome." Jake chuckles and asks if it's fatal. No, Diane says. "It's only mildly depressing." She tells him to get some sleep. He thanks her and hangs up. When Diane hangs up, the camera pans down to Antonio, dead in a sealed biohazard bag. Uh oh.
Space Needle. Jake sleeps in his hotel bed. I continue not to look at his neck. Also, thanks so much for that establishing shot. If we hadn't seen that Seattle landmark, I'd have no idea what was going on or where we were. The commercials were only three minutes long, people. A knock at the door startles Jake awake. It's Diane. Jake, confused as all get out, asks what the hell. As Diane explains that she was talking to a friend about the "single syndrome," Christopher Gorham uses the heel of one hand to rub his eyes. So. Fucking. Cute. Diane says she's there "not as your date, just as a friend posing as your date." Plus Diane cashed in some frequent flier miles, always wanted to see Seattle, and loves Jake so much it hurts. She didn't say that last part, of course, but you know she's thinking it. Jake can't believe Diane flew all the way from D.C. Diane tells him, "Yeah, so, you're buying breakfast." He actually looks quite happy to see her. Aw.
Bay Lodge terrace. Jake smiles as Diane as she cutely shares her distaste for the throwing-of-the-bouquet ritual. Their breakfast arrives. Diane has a small plate of fruit, and Jake has a plate full of Misguided Misdirection... I mean, eggs and potatoes. Jake talks about how his stomach is in "knots" as he rubs his tummy. Diane, concerned, immediately whips out Jake's PPDA (that sounds much dirtier than it actually is) and he tells her to put it away, for cry yi. It's not the tiny, tiny robots causing his mild abdominal discomfort; it's the thought of the wedding toast. Misguided Misdirection tastes like ashes. Diane offers her help, but Jake refuses. He says public speaking for him is like a train wreck. "Everyone expects a disaster, and I deliver it. Every time." Kev hails his best man with, "Jake! Dude. Paintball." A group of men walk by with Kev, including Generically Handsome. Jake explains to Diane that it's tradition (it is?) and asks if she'll be okay. She smiles. Jake runs off to be an even bigger boy than usual. Paintball Forest. Jake's jumpsuit is a slightly different color from everyone else's; a royal blue rather than navy. The team captains are choosing sides, and it's down to Jake and a young teenager named Spider. Of course Jake is last. Wah wah wahhh. Kev gives a little speech, kidding that this is "the last time I see you guys... without permission," as Jake notices Generically Handsome a few feet away. Generically Handsome's mask is nothing like the other masks, and his paintball gun looks odd as well. Kev finishes by talking about safety, and right on cue, Jake shoots himself in the foot. "That doesn't count, does it?" he asks. Everyone else sniggers. Jake and Generically Handsome do some minor eyefucking before the group breaks into teams and puts on their face protection.
Bay Lodge. Diane is on her cell phone with Fran getting an update on the results from Antonio's tiny, tiny corpse. Fran has no new information and inquires about Jake. Hen's fine, Diane says, and reveals that she feels "silly" for traveling all the way to Seattle to check on him. Fran reassures her that it was still the right thing to do. Diane hangs up and is immediately accosted by the mother of the bride. Diane whats as Bride Momma practically drags her by the neck into a room off of the lobby. According to the sign—which is similar in quality to the classy typing paper namecards used at the plastic-dinnerware-and-sunflower-plastic-plates reception—(all spelling and capitalization theirs): "Welcome To The Wedding Of Kevin & Jenny. Your invited to... Bridal Beauty Time. For The Girlz Only!" Sigh. I don't make this shit up, y'all. Also, we're apparently now at the Mercer Point Lodge, whose name and logo is at the bottom of the sign. Continuity must be off playing paintball with the fellas, even though I never thought of Continuity as being male. Anyway, Diane tries to beg off, saying that it's not really her thing. Bride Momma pooh-poohs this. "Looking glamorous is every woman's thing." Darn Tootin'. Bride Momma pushes Diane into a chair and hands her a glass of champagne as the beautician removes Diane's shoes and sticks Diane's feet into a bubbling pedicure bath. I distract myself from thinking about the imminent fungal toe infection Diane will suffer afterwards (it happens all the time, no joke!) by admiring the three tattoos on the top of Diane's right foot. They look like Chinese symbols. I'll leave it to the fanfic writers to find out their exact meaning!
Forest Of Testosterone And Paintball. And Continuity. Jake stumbles through the woods a ways before removing his mask to drink water from a canteen. He's now wearing a yellow armband. As Jake moves from behind a tree, that brat Spider shoots at him from a bunker. Jake ducks behind the tree and has no qualms about zihzihzihzihzuh-eavesdropping ("interfacing") to hear the other team's plans. Spider and another dude think it will be "easy" because it's only Foley. Their strategy is to draw Jake out and flank him to one side. They count to three, but of course Jake is ready for them. The two jump up from the bunker and Jake shoots each of them with a wad of bubble gum. Er, I mean pink paint. Why pink? Is it to symbolize the pussification of Kev from single man to whipped husband? I'm thinking too much, aren't I? And perhaps Consistency has popped back to the Bay/Mercer Point Lodge to gossip with the ladies as Spider's "kill shot" has migrated from his right shoulder to the middle of his chest. Jake triumphs. "Well, that was easy!" Heh.
Bridal Beauty Time. Diane sits with her head tilted back against the chair, her eyes closed. The beautician paints her toenails as Diane soaks her right hand in a manicure dish. Sarah, of course, sits next to Diane and declares her love for "mani-pedis." Ugh. Sarah is so the D.C. equivalent of a "Lincoln Park Trixie. Diane confides, "I'm a virgin... well, I'm a mani-pedi virgin. It's my first time. Sarah introduces herself. Diane automatically reaches to shake Sarah's hand and give her a face full of mani juice. Ha! And ew. Mani juice. Sarah, actually, is quite gracious in accepting Diane's apology. Diane shares she's there with Jake. Sarah exclaims she went to college with him and they drank a shitload of beer together. Diane, without missing a beat, meows, "I know he's mentioned you to me before. [pause] Just once." HA! One mani-pedi and Diane's got her freshly treated claws fully extended. Dare I hope the nail polish color is Jungle Red? Sarah, a professional bitch in comparison to Diane's woefully amateur status, says she and Jake shared a car to the airport and he never mentioned her had a date. Diane babbles that she's a doctor and it was a last minute thing. Diane continues to backtrack as she informs Sarah that she (Diane) and Jake work together. Sarah shows a glimmer of interest as she asks about Diane's research. Are they picking up the Sarah-as-investigator subplot from the pilot? See, I told y'all Continuity was at the lodge. Perhaps Continuity is a drag queen. Or a transsexual. Whatever, I don't judge. Sarah is called over to have her hair and makeup done. Diane presses her fingers to her forehead. Oy vey! Diane shouldn't be in the field. At all.
Paintball Forest. There's some really weird sort of pseudo cocktail music groove playing in the background. "Hey Jake," Generically Handsome man intones, pointing his not-very-paintball-looking gun at him. Jake puts his hands over his head in surrender. Generically Handsome chooses to fire what sounds like a gunshot (as opposed to the paintball air THWAP) at Jake. Jake ducks and yells, "Phil! I think you gotta turn your pressure down a little bit." Heh. "Phil" might hurt somebody. Generically Handsome "Yeah"s as he fires another shot. BANG! Jake runs. Run run run shoot shoot shoot. Jake manages to avoid the bullets fired his way. He arrives at the edge of the course, which is marked by that Day-Glo orange netting. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-jumps over the fence and continues running.
For The Girlz (And Continuity) Only! Diane blows on her fingernails; aren't you not supposed to do that? Wouldn't it make the polish run? As a lifelong nail biter (and huge blowhard), I just don't know. The audience is then treated to Sarah post hair and makeup. A horrible horrible song croons, "She's an original, hard to describe. But if she's your friend, she's your friend for life." What does that even mean? Diane gulps and Sarah and her teeth sloooowly spin in slow motion. Honestly, Sarah is no hag, but I don't think she's the hottest hottie who ever hotted. And it's not as if Diane is a troll. Bride Momma coos over Sarah in real time, and the film slows down again as Sarah looks at Diane. Ouch. Diane goes over to a mirror and looks at her reflection as the horrid singer emotes, "she... don't feel... special" at least a thousand times. GAH! Diane sits down to be beautified.
Paintball. Jake joins the group as Kev where-you-beens, "I've got a little thing today. It's called a wedding." Whatever, fireplug. Taking the boys out to play the week or night before your nuptials is great, but the day of? Jake says Cousin Phil was trying to hurt him out there. With paintballs? Kev can barely contain his laughter. Jake doesn't find it funny, however. He's even less amused when Cousin Phil takes off his mask to reveal that he is not Generically Handsome. Or even generically handsome. Jake looks worried.
Bay Lodge. Er, Mercer Point Lodge. Er. Jake confronts Generically Handsome in a hotel hallway, saying he got a little aggressive during the game. "Yeah, there's nothing like a good hunt, huh?" Generically Handsome oozes. Aw, they're flirting! Generically Handsome said he "had" Jake until that jump. Jake lies that it was lower than it looked. Generically Handsome walks to his room as Jake asks for his name. He nonanswers, "See you at the wedding." Jake notices the room number: 214.
Outside. Kev, in his suit, asks a groomsman about Jake. Pachelbel's Canon is playing in the background.
Outside Room 214. Jake zihzihzihzihzuh-opens the door. He (Jake, not the door) is wearing a lovely suit with a vest and a shiny dark red tie. Jake's mouth drops open as he sees one wall completely covered with photographs of Jake. Invoices, maps, and other scraps of paper are also pinned to the wall. Beckett's words come back in an echo chamber, and Jake looks around wildly. "You have half a billion dollars worth of research in your body." Flashes back to Generically Handsome at the reception, at paintball, in the hallway. "Research that a lot of people would like to get their hands on," Beckett's voiceover continues. Hey, Continuity been here! A scrap of paper lists Jake's address as: Jake Foley 1974 Benton Street Apartment 19 Washington, D.C. 20007 We've seen the number 19 on Jake's apartment door in "Training Day" and "Arms and the Girl," so good job, Continuity! Please stick around. Maybe you could bring your friend Spellchecker?
Sorry. Jake also checks out some classified paper files on the desk under the Jake-is-so-dreamy collage. Details include Jake's age (24), Jake's agent I.D. number (NSA412-E5R), Jake's subject profile number (70589-9), and Jake's itinerary, including that fact that he is staying at the Mercer Point Lodge. Take that, Bay Lodge! However, for most of the audience and Jake, the important information is "EXTRACT NANITES" and "HOST EXPENDABLE." Gulp! Jake also notices an open shiny silver briefcase. It looks as if a pistol is missing. Jake mouth breathes into commercials.
This is when I started to suspect that things weren't as they seemed. Would a professional assassin really carry around such a large amount of incriminating evidence? Of course, I'm not always the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Pay phone in the lobby. Jake dials a number. "Secure line to Deputy Director Louise Beckett. What? Uh... oh, yeah. Alpha Tango Charlie 2471." Bride Momma comes over to remind him the wedding is starting. Jake says he'll be right there, and for some reason he doesn't get through. He hangs up and goes to the desk. Jake tells the clerk to call the police; someone in room 214 is trying to kill him. The clerk looks snooty and disbelieving, and Jake's attempt to convince him of the danger are pre-empted by Kev, freaking out. "I really need you." "He needs you," Clerk Snooty snots. Jake agrees, and the men go outside.
Outside. Flower girls walk in front of Jake and Sarah. Sarah's bridesmaid dress is long, lovely, and the same color as Jake's tie. The violinist and cello player in the background are tearing the hell of out Pachelbel; they pack a lot of punch for just two string players. Obviously, there wasn't enough time and money for a string quarter. Sarah tells him she thinks Diane is up ahead on the left. Jake freaks, "What?" as he searches the crowd for Generically Handsome. Sarah continues to talk about Diane and tells Jake, "You keep a good secret." Of course, this is when Jake sees Generically Handsome, who stands up from his front row chair and walks across the aisle in front of the chairs on the other side. No one notices. Jake can't look away, so he completely misses Diane. She's wearing a black dress that has no sleeves and a strap over one shoulder. Her hair is slicked back and she's not wearing her glasses. She looks lovely. She also looks hurt that Jake didn't see her. Jake watches Generically Handsome until he is out of sight, and then stands to Kev's right as the rest of the bridal party approaches. Shouldn't Jake and Sarah be the last couple to arrive before the bride? Eh.
Ceremony. Kev says how he thought "That girl is totally out of my reach" the first time he saw Jenny. Jake is looking around distractedly, so obvious that Diane, Jenny, Sarah, and Kev all notice. Jake clenches his fist and moves his head. Kev has to prompt Jake twice for the ring. Expectedly, Jake has to fumble through a few pockets before he finds it, but it's not for the expected reason of his dorkiness. Jake doesn't even look at Kev as he hands over the ring. Jake rubs his hand on the back of his next, grimacing. "Aw, man," he moans, just after Kev beams "I love you" to his bride. Both Kev and Jenny look at Jake, who tries to save the moment by adding "That was beautiful" and a thumbs up,. Ha! Diane cell phone rings. She actually answers it. It's Fran telling Diane that Beckett was asking about Jake. Diane tells Fran she'll call back. Diane sees Jake wiping his face with a handkerchief.
Suddenly, Jake spots Generically Handsome by some bushes. Generically Handsome unbuttons his jacket in a casual but threatening way, as if he's just waiting to pull out a gun. Diane sees Jake's aggravation and checks his PPDA. His vitals are all over the place. The minister drones on about "cast[ing] a divine light over any misfortune." Jake "come on, come on, come on"s while staring at Generically Handsome. The minister looks a bit appalled but finishes the service he presents Kevin and Jenny, husband and wife. No last names needed, apparently. As soon as Kev kisses Jenny, Jake leaps away from the wedding and chases after Generically Handsome. Diane also leaves quickly. Sarah just stares.
A deserted pathway. Jake can't find Generically Handsome. He tries to zihzihzihzihzuh-listen for him, but Jake ends up clutching his head in pain. After a glimpse of a jacket, Jake tries his enhanced vision. This zihzihzihzihzuhing only causes more pain. He stumbles along. Jake's point-of-view is all shaky. I'm gonna vomit! Jake winces and twists as he falls to the ground. Uh oh, there's Generically Handsome. And Jake's POV now contains tracers and warp-o-vision. Not good. Generically Handsome tells Jake he poisoned him; it was in the water bottle Jake drank from during paintball. Jake writhes as Generically Handsome taunts, "Soon they'll be nothing left. Not even the nanites can help you." Jake tries to punch him and misses. Other people walk nearby, and Generically Handsome is distracted enough for Jake to make a getaway.
Inside the Mercer Point Lodge, Diane calls Fran. Fran has the skinny on Antonio. "There was an abnormal increase in nanite activity around the interior cortex. But this is where it gets weird. On his brain, Antonio has a massive cluster of nanites in his frontal lobe. OH SHIT! Diane thinks.
Jake limps and runs from Generically Handsome, who is not in sight of the Jake POV camera when Jake turns around. Jake manages to get inside the lodge only to fall down a flight of stairs. He's obviously in a lot of pain, but he keeps moving.
Jake's room. A guard outside won't answer Diane's queries, but does give a head nod to the room's interior. Two men are inside, looking through Jake's luggage. They're hotel security, and they saw Jake was seen on a security camera breaking into a room. Diane becomes even more panicked.
Basement. Flickering lights make it harder for Jake as he tried to escape Generically Handsome, who is following him. Through a door, Jake falls and uses his forearms to haul himself across the floor. Soon he can't even do that, and he rolls on the ground in agony. Diane finds him, and he warns her about Generically Handsome. Diane says no one is following him. "It's the nanites. The nanites are killing you." Well, that's an upper to send us to commercial!
Diane's hotel room. She practically carries Jake to the bed. He lies supine (I love that word) as she grabs her laptop and brings it over to him. Jake sees Generically Handsome and tells Diane he's sitting right over there. Diane tells Jake, "The nanites are rejecting you. They are overloading your brain with electrical impulses and making you see things that are not. There." Her emphasis does convince Jake, so she pops a video tape into the VCR and shows him a tape she got from hotel security. Jake is in the hotel hallway talking to... no one. Jake weakly protests, telling Diane about the wall full of pictures. Room 214 was empty. Diane unbuttons Jake's collar as Jake rolls his head to look at Generically Handsome.
A quick shot of the wedding reception. The Lipstick Lesbians cross in front of the camera, and you can see Rachel's (the busty blonde) bra straps. I know she needs some support garment to haul up the girls, but tack. Eeeeee!
Diane's room. She taps on the laptop keyboard, looking for an answer. Jake tells her he can't move. He says there's no more time; Diane has to reboot the tiny, tiny robots. She refuses, saying Jake will die. "Maybe just for a second," Jake weaks. Diane adamantly refuses to "be the one to kill you." Generically Handsome taunts Jake in another tracer-filled POV shot. Diane finally agrees to shut down the nanites and tries to reassure Jake that everything is okay. Jake's POV shows Diane looking directly at him while Generically Handsome holds a gun to her neck. Jake twitches and groans, and then he stops moving. The laptop helpfully supplies the flatline drawn-out beep. Diane checks to see if Jake is breathing, and then checks his neck for a pulse. She begins CPR correctly, with two breaths, but then loses all perspective as she does only three chest compressions before breathing into Jake again. ACK! Diane is a doctor; she should know better. Of course, if she did know better, she wouldn't be doing chest compressions on somebody lying on a SOFT MATTRESS! Jake/Diane 'shippers (Jakane? Diake?) squee because their OneTruePairing is kissing, even if it is in a Clark-and-Lex-by-the-riverbank kinda way. Diane continues to try and revive Jake, finally giving up. She cries and whisper, "I'm sorry" as she grabs Jake's hand and brings it to her face. The laptop beeps, and Diane scrambles over Jake to look at the laptop. His vitals are alive and kicking. She shouts at him, and Jake opens and eyes and gasps. Diane buries a sob in Jake's neck before sitting up with a teary smile. "Hey," she sniffs. Jake looks at her warily and says, "Who are you?" before he cracks up. Diane is too relieved to be mad, and Jake laughs and apologizes and she hugs him again. He is smiling with relief and tries to sit up. Diane pushes him back down on the bed, but he assures her that he is indeed okay. "I have a toast to give."
Wedding reception. Diane uses her cell phone to call Beckett. Beckett asks if she's heard from Jake. "He's fine. I overreacted as usual," Diane says. Beckett can hear the music from the reception on her end. Diane is SO not a spy. Diane hangs up. When we cut back to Beckett in her office, however, we can still hear the music. That's a neat trick. Diane sits at a table not far from a woman with CRIMPED HAIR. Yikes!
The toast. Jake taps on his glass with a fork to get everyone's attention. Naturally, the glass breaks. The crowd laughs as Jake begins, "Life is, uh, hard. You know?" Kev tells everyone to brace themselves, but softens the insult by winking at Jake. Aw. A groomsman—the one who was in the paintball bunker with Spider, actually—gives Jake a fresh glass of champagne. Jake starts again. "Okay. Jenny, Kevin may need more professional help than most, but he's a terrific guy, and he loves you more than anything. And Kevin, science may never discover how it happened, but you won Jenny's heart; and, to me, that's the real miracle here." Sarah is looking at Jake as if he's a cold, frosty mug of beer. "We're lucky if we're able to find someone who is always there for us, who stands by us, no matter what." Jake is speaking to Diane now, and she smiles. Jake finishes with, "Makes life easier. To my friends, to our good friends, Kevin and Jenny." Cheers!
Kev and Jenny on the dance floor. Sarah approaches Jake and drools, "Your toast was really beautiful." I agree that it was a touching tribute, but beautiful? I think Sarah's been spending a lot of time by the keg. Jake inquires after Alex, and Sarah says that Alex is gay. She just hates to "come to these things" alone. "Closest Alex gets to me is a facial." Cough. Cough cough cough. Jake stammers a bit but ends up showing a bit of relief at this news. The news that Alex is gay, not that he and Sarah have "facials" together. Sarah leans in and says, "I think we're supposed to dance now." I'm pretty sure Sarah means that as members of the bridal party, she and Jake should dance together. Jake looks at her and says, "Sarah. I think I need to dance with my date." OOOOOOH! Burn! And bwa ha ha ha! Sarah looks crushed as Jake leaves. Snicker snicker. Jake walks over the Diane's table and puts his hand on Diane's shoulder. He asks her to dance. Diane wonders, "Aren't you supposed to--" "Yes," Jake interrupts, never taking his eyes off her. The walk to the dance floor and start to sway. Jake says he forgot to tell Diane that she looked beautiful. Aw. We zoom through the chandelier, and blast it! There's that recycled recycled satellite footage I complained about in "Training Day" and "Arms and the Girl."
So no one thought it odd that Jake just ran away from the ceremony? And hotel security was okay with a delusional guy talking to himself in hallways and breaking into rooms? Hmph.
© deeablo 2003
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